Anxious

Joining your server,

I felt a bubble build up in my stomach,

a server full of you and your friends,

people I don't know.

People I don't know how to interact with,

so I silently lurk on the conversation,

hoping to find a way to smoothly enter it without it turning awkward,

but I couldn't.

So here I lurk,

not saying anything and watching the messages flow by,

wanting to say something,

but not having the nerve to do so.

I wonder,

do you ever feel this way?

Do your ever feel like your hearts going to spring out your chest,

and a million bees are humming in the middle of your stomach,

and you can't get a word out or even think clearly becaue the only thought running through your head is, will they like me?

Will they accept me,

or will they hate my guts and end the conversation quickly and escape to dms where you're not to avoid me?

Will they be okay?

What if I embarrass myself,

what if they don't like me?

And then time rushes by,

and I don't even have the nerve to say goodbye.

It hurts,

but if I messed up it would hurt worse,

so I'll continue like this till I can't no more,

and my heart is shattered on the floor,

because come on?

Do I look like I have the guts to tell you you mean so much to me?

That you are one of my only friends and I'm always scared you'll leave me alone like the others,

and I'll be trapped with my drowning dreary thoughts alone again in the dark crying,

or that I'm to scared to tell you I love you,

even as a friend or even more because everytime you're around my head swoons with stars and flowers,

and my heart skips a beat,

and my stomach does summersaults and gets the sterotypical butterflies that I know you don't have back?

The sterotypical butterflies you could never feel for me,

because to you I'm just a nervous scared little girl because I'm even too scared to tell you how I really feel and how I really identify,

because what if you make fun of me?

What if you hate me for it,

what if you out me to my family who I am not ready to tell,

because I can see the disappointment in their eyes as they realize the daughter they wanted is more of a failure then they thought?

and on my thoughts will drift,

as you wonder away to sleep,

and my fear eats at me.

I know that I make no sense,

but at this point I don't think I really care,

I can't be anything or talk to anyone,

which means I'm just a puddle of nerves in the dark storm that's fallen above my head,

because no matter how much I try to be happy it comes back,

and every irrational thought clouds my mind and it makes me want to push people away but I'm too tired to do that,

and I can't sleep,

and I just went all my thoughts to go away and to fade into a mystery,

because I cannot clear my head.

I wish I didn't have to deal with them,

but I guess they're here to stay,

so here in my mind they'll get comfy while I waste my time doing whatever to distract myself,

because I know being alone with them will hurt worse and be worse,

but it's not as unbearable as others,

and I'm just being overdramatic so I'll hide them away,

and lock them up with a key and chain,

tossing the key as far away as possible and hoping to never find it again,

or face it again.

Nobody'll notice so it'll be okay,

as long as I don't let them eat me all away.