Joining your server,

I felt a bubble build up in my stomach,

a server full of you and your friends,

people I don't know.

People I don't know how to interact with,

so I silently lurk on the conversation,

hoping to find a way to smoothly enter it without it turning awkward,

but I couldn't.

So here I lurk,

not saying anything and watching the messages flow by,

wanting to say something,

but not having the nerve to do so.

I wonder,

do you ever feel this way?

Do your ever feel like your hearts going to spring out your chest,

and a million bees are humming in the middle of your stomach,

and you can't get a word out or even think clearly becaue the only thought running through your head is, will they like me?

Will they accept me,

or will they hate my guts and end the conversation quickly and escape to dms where you're not to avoid me?

Will they be okay?

What if I embarrass myself,

what if they don't like me?

And then time rushes by,

and I don't even have the nerve to say goodbye.

It hurts,

but if I messed up it would hurt worse,

so I'll continue like this till I can't no more,

and my heart is shattered on the floor,

because come on?

Do I look like I have the guts to tell you you mean so much to me?

That you are one of my only friends and I'm always scared you'll leave me alone like the others,

and I'll be trapped with my drowning dreary thoughts alone again in the dark crying,

or that I'm to scared to tell you I love you,

even as a friend or even more because everytime you're around my head swoons with stars and flowers,

and my heart skips a beat,

and my stomach does summersaults and gets the sterotypical butterflies that I know you don't have back?

The sterotypical butterflies you could never feel for me,

because to you I'm just a nervous scared little girl because I'm even too scared to tell you how I really feel and how I really identify,

because what if you make fun of me?

What if you hate me for it,

what if you out me to my family who I am not ready to tell,

because I can see the disappointment in their eyes as they realize the daughter they wanted is more of a failure then they thought?

and on my thoughts will drift,

as you wonder away to sleep,

and my fear eats at me.

I know that I make no sense,

but at this point I don't think I really care,

I can't be anything or talk to anyone,

which means I'm just a puddle of nerves in the dark storm that's fallen above my head,

because no matter how much I try to be happy it comes back,

and every irrational thought clouds my mind and it makes me want to push people away but I'm too tired to do that,

and I can't sleep,

and I just went all my thoughts to go away and to fade into a mystery,

because I cannot clear my head.

I wish I didn't have to deal with them,

but I guess they're here to stay,

so here in my mind they'll get comfy while I waste my time doing whatever to distract myself,

because I know being alone with them will hurt worse and be worse,

but it's not as unbearable as others,

and I'm just being overdramatic so I'll hide them away,

and lock them up with a key and chain,

tossing the key as far away as possible and hoping to never find it again,

or face it again.

Nobody'll notice so it'll be okay,

as long as I don't let them eat me all away.

This probably doesn’t make sense, and I’ve wrote it over a span of a few hours, finishing it around 6 in the morning, I’m tired and my thoughts are fuzzy.

Talking with him is great,

I love it.

It’s refreshing and opens my eyes,

even when I’m nervous,

so I open my heart and let him see in,

hiding my scars and

dark alleys,

but showing more then I want to anyway.

I see very little into his life,

but when I do it’s quite the surprise.

Soon, I’ll lose contact with him,

and many others,

but I don’t know how to tell him,

so I probably won’t for a while.

It’s only a few weeks anyway,

so what’s the harm?

He probably won’t notice I’m gone anyway,

but still I’ll yearn for him to see,

for me to see

our hearts as they’re meant to be.

Not broken,

or sheltered,

or fearful,

and frightened,

but happy,

open,

caring,

and loved.

I don’t know how to say,

but maybe one day I’ll word it the right way.

I let him under my skin,

his words sinking in.

Not in a bad way necessarily,

but more so then I’m used to.

His playful nature digging in,

forcing me to become more like him.

It gives me a smile,

and a giggle filled laugh,

almost like when I was a kid,

but now I wonder,

when I come back will it be the same?

I’m like an open book right now,

easy to read to anyone who passes,

but only clear to those who have read me completely.

I’m not afraid of this change,

or him,

but still I’m nervous about what’s going on,

and nervous about how he’ll respond,

after all he’s the only friend I’ve had in while,

who’s nearby and worthwhile.

He hasn’t judged me or put me down,

he hasn’t made me look like a clown,

he makes me feel happy and safe,

like a warm embrace.

He doesn’t make me scared or anxious like normal,

but he still makes me squeamish.

It’s not a crush like some may think,

but rather a friend helping a friend off the brink.

He’s been here so far,

so I’ll let him in for the ride,

even if it hurts my pride.

I love him as friend,

and love him even more for being here.

I just don’t know how to say everything to him,

but I hear his calls of joy,

and know I cannot leave without some kind of explaination.

Sleepyhead fell asleep first again,

pretty expected but it still makes me chuckle.

The boy has so much energy,

even when tired.

I'm tired too,

and can't write anything coherent,

but I'm glad I'm "winning" this little game of ours.

Even if it's silly.

I know if I lose,

he'll throw it back at me,

so I'm okay with trying to keep my nickname for him alive,

because it gives us something to bond over.

Just a little something,

but it means a lot.

A friend of mine may be older,

but what I find absolutely adorable is when he's tired

sometimes I question if he's the adult or if I am.

He types silly when he's tired.

He acts silly when he's tired.

It makes me want to hug him,

so I tease him.

Sleepy head.

A common nickname but one that takes a different meaning here.

It's just friendly though.

He doesn't seem to mind,

I think he might actually like the nickname.

It can't be anything more but still it makes me smile,

I don't think he realizes.

It's cute,

and tommorow the process will repeat.

Us messaging on and off throughout the day and night until finally he falls asleep,

or I do,

though he usually falls asleep first.

That's why sleepy head works.

It's just friendly banter,

but I'm happy to have a friend.

He's almost like a big brother,

but not quite.

My friend thinks I like him,

but I don't think I do.

I just admire him,

he's too innocent.

He's just a sleepy head.

I understand that I graduated,

and for that I should be proud,

but instead the thoughts are racing inside my head loud.

I’m not ready for that simple change.

I’m not ready to move up another grade.

When I was little,

it all seemed so pointless,

and when I moved another year up,

it was a call for joy.

I was a big kid,

and that meant something,

but now I am a big kid,

and I never want to go.

I am not ready to move up another grade.

I will never be ready to leave them all behind,

because after this year we’re all going our seperate ways.

After this year,

I don’t know where I’ll be.

I am not ready to leave my home behind.

I am not ready to leave my friends behind.

I thought I’d at least have half a year,

but when schools closed early,

I wasn’t even there.

I never got to say goodbye, and now I never will.

I am not ready to leave my school behind.

I am not ready to leave all I know.

I am not ready to leave behind my childhood.

After all,

I’ve been in the same school since I was six.

I am not ready.

At least I’ll see some of my classmates in high school,

I originally thought,

but now it became evident that that wasn’t going to happen.

Away I moved,

not too far I couldn’t go back to visit,

but far enough I was no longer within that school district.

The kids I’ve known all my life,

I know I’ll miss them too.

Next year,

it all starts anew.

With no friends,

and a snuffed heart,

I have to start here too.

I am not ready for this all to bloom.

I am not ready to start high school.

I am not ready for my scattered thoughts,

and scattered self to be forced to grow into an adult without saying goodbye.

A boy who I barely know.

A boy who I barely talk to.

A boy who I’ve only met once.

A boy who is so energetic it’s unreal.

A boy who is not afraid.

A boy who has a voice.

A boy who inspires me.

A boy who I want to get to know.

A boy who I want to meet again.

A boy who lights up the room with his mere presence.

A boy who is everywhere at the same time through messages and music.

A boy who I never want to lose as a friend.

A boy who is comforting.

A boy who could never be more then friends with me,

but still a boy who I love so much.

A boy, who I can’t call a boy honestly,

but a boy who I hope can one day love me too,

even if it’s just platonic.

Here I am.

Siting in a messy room.

Lights on, even though I should be asleep.

Door closed, even though I feel the need for it to be open.

Clothing and toys that are not my own everywhere.

Bed sheet pulled up by my siblings who were jumping earlier, despite my objections.

My blankets huddled in heaps around me, but not on me.

A pillow in the corner.

My glasses dirty.

Cold.

Sitting criss-cross applesauce on the bed.

Crying over a friend's words.

Screaming at the reality.

The many realities.

Especially the one coming in a few days.

Graduation but not.

No face to face interaction allowed.

No big happy event.

No end.

The year would never be done.

I'll never see my friends again and they'll never see me.

My teachers?

Some are retiring.

Some would still be there.

I wouldn't be there though.

I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss the year I lost the most though.

The year that never ends.

Author’s note: This can be triggering to some people, so this is your warning. This post will contain mentions of cutting, blood, and depression. I have never cut and am just describing how it’s been described to me, and I do not encourage or promote this behavior. If you are considering cutting or suicide please reach out for help.

National suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

The poem will begin further down

Out from the cuts on her wrists streamed a plethora of words,

Negativity she had been taught,

Negativity that she had willed into reality,

Negativity she wished would go away,

and maybe that split second of euphoria,

and the feeling of drops of blood streaming down her arm and falling to the floor,

felt worth it to her.

The painted and painfully carved “Masterpiece” that resided on her arm

cleansed the pent up negativity from her.

Even if it was just a for a second.

She longed for more of that freedom,

until she was lying on the floor dead,

unable to register any pain or feelings.

After all,

blood loss is very serious.

When I was in maybe secend grade, that was around when people started judging people by how they looked, and stuff, there was this girl in my class, let's call her Tyri for convience. She would give me odd glances, and stuff, but I always shrugged it off, because we're like seven, and I didn't know what I know now. One day, she just comes up to me at cubby time, where we read, and talk, and unpack ect., and she starts calling me ugly, and how I would never be anything, and I'm just a stupid poor girl, and this, and that, but me being the sensitive girl I was, started crying, and my teacher came over, and asked what's wrong, and Tyri says, "Oh, nothing, she's fine, she just hit her head on the wall when she went to sit down, I'll take her to the nurse if you like." I'm just blown away at how she got away with such an obvious lie, and I'm sent to the nurse, and the nurse just checks that I'm not bleeding, and gives me an icepack. At recess the same thing happened, just I didn't get sent to the nurse or anything. This started to become a daily occurance. Everyday I would come home crying. I started puporsely peeing myself, so I would get sent home.

So, my mom has had enough, and fills out a bullying report, so I'm sent to the school counciler and every lie she tells, is believed. I'm told that I'm just being a sensitive little girl, and am sent back to class.

Tyri continues to get away with it all the way up to fourth grade, and then she's still getting away with it, so we take it up to the school board, and it's found to be bullying, and nothing is done. There are instances I could state, but I'm going to just tell you the most recent.

So, it continues, and i just ignore it at this point, because I had grown so numb towards it, and then we are put in the same gym class. Well, this normally wasn't a problem, because we didn't have to actually interact. We get paired up together, and we are messing with scooters. You have to lie down for the exercise, and Tyri takes the scooter, and runs over my hair, and gets it caught, so the same thing happens, I'm dubbed a sensitive little girl, and it was an a mistake, she was confused, which makes no sense, since I was in an entirely different area then everyone else. It's let go, and it doesn't really get any better, and I'm being made fun of because I don't wear name brands, have a lanky frame, like anime, and play football.

I'm called all types of stuff, but like three or four months ago, I'm at the park playing ghost games, and Tyri, and her friend throw rocks at my head, and my mom had to come, and drag me home because I was so hysterical I would not leave. We file a police report, and things just get worse. I'm called a liar, and many more terms I do not want to mention, and here we are at present day. I never want to go to school, and while everyone else was out playing, and making friends, I was inside crying. it's gotten so bad I might just ask to be homeschooled, but this all reminds me of hate, because this was unnessacary or provoked hate. It has ruined my childhood, and has probably claimed many more too. Sorry for any mistakes I am writting this late at night, anyways here's my response.