1949

My mama died giving birth to my little brother, Kenny. I was sixteen months old. My big sister, Ada, was five. My daddy wasn’t married to my mama. They couldn’t marry in Virginia – it was against the law since she was black and he was white. They moved north; she was a teacher and he had a store. I have no memory of that life. I don’t know if we all lived together. I just know Ada and I were alone with mama when she died in the bathtub giving birth to Kenny.

And I haven’t seen Kenny almost ever. Aunt Maxine took him to Georgia with her when he was a few days old. He must be five and half now since I just turned seven.

And I only see Ada sometimes since she lives with Grandma and Grandpa in Virginia.

I live in New York City with Aunt Helen. She’s my godmother. She calls me stupid a lot, but she takes care of me, so I can’t complain. It could be a whole lot worse I know. Could be better, too. I could have a daddy. He’s not dead or even that far away. He just doesn’t want me.

My birthday was last Saturday. I hardly slept the night before I was so excited. Aunt Helen had promised to take me to see him. Finally, I was going to meet him!

I dressed in my best dress, from Easter, with the fancy white tights and shiny black patent leather shoes that almost still fit. He would be so proud when he saw me. He would apologize and cry and hug and kiss me and take me home with him. I just knew it.

Aunt Helen and I had to take a train and two buses to get to where he was. Some place called Mount Vernon. And then we walked quite a bit. We stopped across the street from a store where a white man was outside sweeping. I just stared. I knew it was him. I had no memory of him, but still, I knew it. I started grinning. When I would have run across the street, Aunt Helen grabbed my arm and pulled me back. “No,” she said firmly in a low voice. “You can’t go over there. I said I’d bring you to see him, not talk to him.”

I didn’t understand. Then a pretty white lady with shiny hair the color of honey came out of the store carrying a child on her hip with another clearly in her belly. The man stopped sweeping and kissed the woman and the child and shooed them back inside. As he turned to follow them, he looked at Aunt Helen and gave a little shake to his head before he went inside.

My daddy never even looked at me.