Worditch News - Special Edition (Challenge Winner!!!!!!!!!)

Editor - Ez Nutz

Hospital Treatment Called into Question:

A controversial treatment which has been the first choice of remedy used by Brownwater Hospital has been called into question due to its safety record. The treatment carried out in the King Richard III suite dates back to Victorian England and is known as the cup and go method. Injuries such as eye infections, nose and mouth infections and sudden blindness have been frequently reported by nurses and attendants applying the remedy. What is the treatment I hear you ask? Well if you hang on a minute, I’ll get to it! Blimey, who’s writing this story? Anyway, the patient lies flat on a bed, face down and a large suction cup is compressed onto the affected area applying inward air pressure. A vacuum is created between the skin and the rubber cup. On removal the vacuum / suction caused by the cup is said to give immediate relief to the patient. The ailment is known as chronic constipation! The injuries are sustained by the nurses and attendants because they are not always able to retreat to a safe distance therefore injury is as a result of flying “debris” exiting the patient faster than expected thus causing the nurses and attendants to be contaminated. Consultants at the hospital are loathed to stop the treatment stating, “it will drop us right in it if we have to use other methods as training will need to take place and there will be a backup amongst the sufferers”. PPE improvements as well as extraction equipment are being looked at. Fans are also to be removed from all treatment areas to prevent the spread of infection.

Gags Pie Eating Champion Retires:

Worditch resident and current Worditch Gags Pie Eating Champion, Rowley Powley famed for his extraordinary skill of eating more Gags Pies than anyone else has given up his title after holding the crown for seven years. He has also ditched the celebrity life he freely flaunted and promoted. He appeared on tv programmes such as “Pie Island” a spin-off of Love Island where celebrity singles swap pie filling recipe’s and spend a romantic night having friendly pie eating competitions. Other appearances include Big Brother but was sensationally disqualified when they found out it was really his sister, Naked Attraction, which he didn’t, Dinner Date, but had the door shut in his face and finally The Great Escape II but got stuck in the escape tunnel. He was also famed for turning down film roles such as The Italian Job II as he could not get into the mini! Worditch News asked Rowley why he turned his back on fame? It was all an accident really said Rowley, I tried one, well one hundred really of them new Gags Vegan Sausageless Rolls and for some reason I lost weight. Then I read about the Gags Diet Plan and how I could lose 10 pounds of ugly fat by following the diet plan, which was actually commercial suicide for me. I ignored the advice about chopping off a leg, but it was too late. I was addicted to the Vegan Rolls and the pounds fell off. I’m proud of my achievements to date and am on 200 Vegan Rolls a day which I get on prescription and am now down to 5 stones, but my career went down the pan along with the weight! A bittersweet tale there from once Worditch Pie eating Champion Rowley Powley!

Stop Press:

Prince Andrew Signs up to TV Show: After months of negotiation with TV bosses and the Palace, Prince Andrew is going to appear on Mastermind. Apart from answering the normal “General Knowledge” questions, his specialist subject is “The Life and Parties of Jeffrey Epstein”. He was recently dropped from a scheduled radio show appearance on “Sorry, I Don’t Have a Clue” because he didn’t!

© Julian Race Comedy Productions - 26/07/2020