Editor - Ez Nutz

Hospital Treatment Called into Question:

A controversial treatment which has been the first choice of remedy used by Brownwater Hospital has been called into question due to its safety record. The treatment carried out in the King Richard III suite dates back to Victorian England and is known as the cup and go method. Injuries such as eye infections, nose and mouth infections and sudden blindness have been frequently reported by nurses and attendants applying the remedy. What is the treatment I hear you ask? Well if you hang on a minute, I’ll get to it! Blimey, who’s writing this story? Anyway, the patient lies flat on a bed, face down and a large suction cup is compressed onto the affected area applying inward air pressure. A vacuum is created between the skin and the rubber cup. On removal the vacuum / suction caused by the cup is said to give immediate relief to the patient. The ailment is known as chronic constipation! The injuries are sustained by the nurses and attendants because they are not always able to retreat to a safe distance therefore injury is as a result of flying “debris” exiting the patient faster than expected thus causing the nurses and attendants to be contaminated. Consultants at the hospital are loathed to stop the treatment stating, “it will drop us right in it if we have to use other methods as training will need to take place and there will be a backup amongst the sufferers”. PPE improvements as well as extraction equipment are being looked at. Fans are also to be removed from all treatment areas to prevent the spread of infection.

Gags Pie Eating Champion Retires:

Worditch resident and current Worditch Gags Pie Eating Champion, Rowley Powley famed for his extraordinary skill of eating more Gags Pies than anyone else has given up his title after holding the crown for seven years. He has also ditched the celebrity life he freely flaunted and promoted. He appeared on tv programmes such as “Pie Island” a spin-off of Love Island where celebrity singles swap pie filling recipe’s and spend a romantic night having friendly pie eating competitions. Other appearances include Big Brother but was sensationally disqualified when they found out it was really his sister, Naked Attraction, which he didn’t, Dinner Date, but had the door shut in his face and finally The Great Escape II but got stuck in the escape tunnel. He was also famed for turning down film roles such as The Italian Job II as he could not get into the mini! Worditch News asked Rowley why he turned his back on fame? It was all an accident really said Rowley, I tried one, well one hundred really of them new Gags Vegan Sausageless Rolls and for some reason I lost weight. Then I read about the Gags Diet Plan and how I could lose 10 pounds of ugly fat by following the diet plan, which was actually commercial suicide for me. I ignored the advice about chopping off a leg, but it was too late. I was addicted to the Vegan Rolls and the pounds fell off. I’m proud of my achievements to date and am on 200 Vegan Rolls a day which I get on prescription and am now down to 5 stones, but my career went down the pan along with the weight! A bittersweet tale there from once Worditch Pie eating Champion Rowley Powley!

Stop Press:

Prince Andrew Signs up to TV Show: After months of negotiation with TV bosses and the Palace, Prince Andrew is going to appear on Mastermind. Apart from answering the normal “General Knowledge” questions, his specialist subject is “The Life and Parties of Jeffrey Epstein”. He was recently dropped from a scheduled radio show appearance on “Sorry, I Don’t Have a Clue” because he didn’t!

© Julian Race Comedy Productions - 26/07/2020

It seems we have a failure to inseminate logic.

Today, Republicans and Democrats joined together for a Congresssional lunch provided by none other than the United States of America, or more commonly known as its citizens.

During this lunch, several Senators were undecided in their views on how beautiful the table settings were, and how crisp the salad lettuce was.

There was some talk by Mitch McConnell on the new stimulus bill but basically he was hard to understand while shoving half a brisket into his mouth.

Nancy Pelosi, although an advocate for the stimulus bill, complained that her cheese soup was too thick and asked for chedder but received american chees soup instead. Soup, during functions like this is all she will eat as at any other time she has difficulty keeping her false teeth in.

Ted Cruz was all laughs as he joked with another Senator about how bad things were in Texas with the virus. He was overheard saying, “Things are pretty bad there. Lucky for me I’m in D.C. After all this is the safest place in the country according to the president, and I believe him.”

Speeches were given, applause was loud and one house member puked on his shoes. Garlic was in his food and he’s allergic.

Matt Gaetz from Florida wasn’t even supposed to be there but he gained traction from Senators for getting away with having marijuana in his car a few years ago and bought his way out of jail time and getting elected to office. They say one day he might be president.

Jim Jordan, as usual, arrived without a suit coat and when asked why he never wore one he responded, “I never buy a full suit, it costs too much. Now excuse me, I have to find someone to yell at.”

Susan Collins was having a difficult time sipping her iced-coffee. The cup would shake in her hands from her nervous condition until finally she turned to Senator McCarthy and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have a big, long thick straw, I could suck on, would you?”

All in all, it was a splendid affair and when they all left, McConell was asked if Congress could pass the next stimulus package before they went on vacation in August.

His response, “You have to be kidding me. Pass it? Not on my watch. That will interfer with the stuff that matters like baseball and football, and maybe ping-pong.”

And that ended any political talk for the rest of the day.

A passer-by outside the White House had a comment, however, what he said cannot be put into print. You will just have to fantasize what he said.

So America, it is time to wake up and smell the dirty laundry. Which Senators and Representatives are still wearing underwear from 1981? If you guess incorrectly, then that person will be re-elected. Simple as that.

Go to the polls and guess who.

That’s the only hope we have left.

By An O. Nymous

The world is in shock this weekend as Mike McAvoy announced he is shutting down his satirical newspaper, The Onion.

“We’re running out of material,” he said in an interview. “Reality is stranger than fiction.”

The world breathes a heavy sigh of despair as The Onion has been their quarantine go-to so that they don’t go completely insane.

“I’ll have to resort to Zoom Meeting Bingo and online Solitaire again,” says Jane Doe, 65. She continues on to talk about her grandkids, but no one really cares about a couple of immature teenage boys so I won’t include those comments here.

Speaking of immature teenage boys, our next comment comes from John Smith. John Smith has been an avid reader of The Oniom ever since his dad read it to him as a bedtime story. John expresses sorrow at the untimely end to his favorite newspaper.

“It’s where I get my news. None of the other newspapers tell us the real story.”

But not everyone will miss the newspaper. Don Jackson, 38, lives in Akron, Ohio, in his mother’s basement.

“I, for one, am celebrating. Yeah. I’m super duper happy,” he says, wearing a bright red MAGA hat. “They just are a bunch of fake news. They are against our country. So I’m celebrating. Yeah.” He stares at me with a cigar hanging from his lip. “What are you still doing in my house?”

He refused further comment and chased me out of his house with an assault rifle.

What can I say? Journalism is a dangerous job.

McAvoy expressed how sorry he was in a heartfelt letter:

The Onion is Closing. Period. Oh crap, Siri! That’s not what I meant! Hey wait!! Don’t send! Cancel! Cancel!

It’s enough to make any person cry. Which I am not. I’m not crying. At all.

While most of us will mourn the loss of this iconic paper, McAvoy promises that he will reopen “eventually.”

“As long as we live in this strange world, I’m afraid I can’t accept any more satire stories. Reality is just too weird. But as soon as things go back to normal, we might reopen. Eventually. It just depends on what normal means. What is normal?”

What is normal? Profound advice from Mike McAvoy, advice we should all keep in mind as we spend the rest of our quarantine knitting and crying.

Driver Let's Off Steam in Road Rage Incident For The Fun of It

In what was described as "just another day," driver Timothy MacCready found himself waist deep inside another person's car just beating the hell out of someone. When asked, Tim couldn't recall what caused the incident, saying "I just kind of needed to let off steam." The other driver, Carol Presly, recalls "this guy just reached through my window and started punching my son in the passenger's seat. He didn't seem interested in me at all." Several onlookers remarked about MacCready's flailing legs dangling outside the silver truck. "It was absurd," one of them stated. The victim reported several bruises and a black eye. In the official police report, Mrs. Presly recalled, "It was my son's first fight. I was really excited to be able to share that with him."

..although final negotiations or still going on, it looks like a historic breakthrough has been reached. after more than two years debating the issue in the relevant subcomitee, it seems that the final arguments are being resolved. sources tell us that within a week the bill declaring Aluminum (Al) the national metal and as a further compromise by republicans holdouts, choosing Nitrogen as the national halogen.

"this is nothing less than historic" another source explains. "after years of endless arguments, we are finally able to vote on this important symbolic matter. excuse the pun. "

when asked if the descision had ressistance along partisan line, the source said that while there were indeed some partisan issues, mostly the contention over thr choice itself. "some think that we should have a differentbmetal, say titanium or palladium. others would not hear of nitrogen , choosing instead fluorine, or helium. "

once the bill is voted on, and hopefully passed into law, it would join other national symbols, like the national bird, flower, anthem etc. on a related note, the subcomitee for national symbols is now considering schedualing hearings into a much needed national wallpaper.