Self Harm

It’s often said that homophobia stems from one’s inability to accept their own sexuality, or the fear of having one’s own sexuality challenged.

It’s funny, really - we say sexuality isn’t a choice, yet these folks seem to fear theirs will be taken away somehow.

Growing up I had the honest-to-gods blessing of being raised in a loving atmosphere of tolerance. Had I actually been homosexual, I would have had no issues coming out to my family, friends, etc. Everyone around me supported me - even down to my grandparents, who wouldn’t agree with it but still made it clear would love me nonetheless. I know this because thanks to my quirky personality many of my family/friends thought I really was homosexual. To the point I would get annoying little hints like “You know it’s okay...” with the obvious subtext of “Why aren’t you coming out already? Don’t you trust me?”

Growing up I got teased and called homophobic nicknames in school, but it never escalated; I’m a pretty chill person and I had a strong circle of friends. I ignored it, which was easier because I knew it wasn’t true. It probably didn’t spread more since I never had an actual homosexual relationship either.

I rarely got hit on in high school, probably partly thanks to my perceived homosexuality as well as the stifling small town that snuffed out non-straight relationships, which meant I didn’t get hit on period. When I went to college I finally did get hit on - just by people of my own sex. It never bothered me; in fact, I found it flattering. They were often higher than my own so-called “hotness rating”, to the point that having to politely turn them down actually depressed me. I could clearly see I’d be way more of an MVP on the other team. I just couldn’t change my jersey.

I’ve even had a few random homosexual dreams, none of which phased me; they just weren’t as exciting as the straight ones. I actually understood them to express my frustration at having to take care of my own needs for so long stuck as a single, misunderstood straight person.

But all this is because I accepted my core. I knew either way I went it wouldn’t change my important relationships, or who I really was. I never felt threatened or scared by homosexual behavior or advances, because I knew if I did swing that way it wouldn’t matter. I had the safe space to question, consider, and understand my own heart.

And that is why homophobia is so hurtful and damaging. If others won’t accept us, how can we accept ourselves? If we put conditions on our love and tolerance for others - on their behavior, on their relationships, on their mannerisms - how can they navigate their own feelings with confidence?

Many of my LGBTQ+ community friends constantly point this out in their efforts to ensure legal protections as well as push for religious reforms in their own community churches. LGBTQ+ kids are at higher risk for suicide and depression. Maybe they’re not being literally lynched - but the fact that they’re killing themselves means homophobia is nonetheless lethal. They’re being ostraciszed by their so-called Christian neighbors. They’re being treated like they have a disease by fools who buy into “conversion therapy” and its ilk. They’re being penalized for “displaying” homosexual behavior, when the media splashes straight sexual behavior all over without a second thought and they can’t escape that constant reminder of how they’re not fitting the norm.

If homosexuality bothers you, look inward not outward - why does it bother you? If you know your own heart, your own tastes, your own core - why does someone else’s matter? I’ve been mistaken as a homosexual, hit on by homosexuals, seen homosexual porn, cried at homosexual love stories, smiled at homosexual PDA’s -- guess what? I’m still straight. Still not bothered.

Because it’s just love. And I have recognized love has no threat or impact on me - as opposed to fear, which definitely does.

And I may not play on that team - but fuck if I will not fight for their right to play.