Wishing for Spoken Words

I wish I was a social butterfly. I wish I could strike a conversation with someone anytime I felt like it. I wish I didn't default to shy and reserved. I'm not even sure why I'm like this, but maybe if I knew, I could do something about it.

I wish I had a voice. I have a literal voice. I'm grateful to not be mute. When I say I wish I had a voice, I mean I wish I could say what I want to say, what needs to be said. I wish I could say the things on my mind and on my heart. Some of it should probably stay silent, but for the things that really need said, I wish there wasn't a big barrier.

I'm not even sure what the barrier is. I feel like it's me. Or maybe something deep inside of me. I mean, this had to have started somewhere, right? There's got to be a reason why I don't feel comfortable using my voice, right?

I wish I could figure it out. Part of it I could blame on the hearing loss. I don't know what other excuse I have except I've always been like this. My mind often blanks on things to say to people. What if they don't want to have a conversation with me? What if I annoy them? I'm so afraid I'll say the wrong thing.

Why is rejection still a problem for me?

I wish I didn't care what people thought of me or if they think I'm totally weird or stranger or crazy. I wish I had the right things to say to people when they're hurting. I feel like I know so many who are hurting and I don't have the right words to say and it hurts me. I want to see them healed, I want them to see that their lives have purpose and meaning and there is hope.

I wish I didn't crouch back into silence so quickly. I just listen. Then wish I had said something. People are hurting. Why do I sit in silence? I wish I didn't sit and stew in silence and I wish when I did talk, I talked about more meaningful things.