The Big S

My dear hoebag, we meet again. As if once weren't enough, you've descended upon yet another English class and thrown us all into melancholy. Yoi do knoe that everyone hates you. You spent your life dick-riding royalty, so you could keep pumping out those hits. I respect your hustle, I do, but yiu have screwed yourself for many future generstions. If you ever come back, there will be a line of irritated freshmen with baseball bats waiting for you, and Hawthorne too. I actually have more qualms with him, but I've read more of your stuff so this is more personal, in a way.

I'm not going to lie, the nerd in me does really adore you. The ridiculousness of your plays is actually quite impressive. Two kids fucking once and deciding to get married and live happily ever aftee, but can't so they die? That's some shit if I've ever heard it. Little guy doesn't get a promotion so he vows to destroy his boss's life? Jesus, that sounds like a Friday night thriller show. Girls run away to the woods to do something (I skimmed it; it was senior year) still sounds like a marketable plot today.

I think we only hate you because of ye olde language. Everyone loves a good dick-n-balls joke but not when we have to google every word. "Thy scrotildum wath itchity for thine diddled with a tart." No one understands that. You're like the world's funniest Latin comedian. Everything you say is hilarious, but everyone who can understand it has been dust for ages. Except Betty White. It's an old joke and the Queen of England has most likely inherited the friendships your pole jocking created, so I'm not getting beheaded. In short, I love to hate you because it's popular. Just like shitting on the French was popular in your day (I read THAT loud and clear). There's trchnically nothing wrong with you, but when I blow a raspberry after your name, it gets a laugh so socially, there's apparently something wrong with you. I do appreciate the forced gayness though. If you'd written Mulan, that would've been your funniest play yet.