Girl without A Plan

The world really did a number on me. From the time I was born life had a plan for me, far be it from a pretty one. My mother and father didn't have my back, and I had to learn things the hard way.

Like my father, he thought he was doing it right, taking me to church and keeping me locked up tight. Yet he started to fail me to, by not believing me when I was telling the truth.

My mother still didn't make life any better, from spending all of our money and taking money from me. She left us homeless and hungry and she loved the Casino more than me. So what is left for a young girl to do?

I began looking for love under every rock, and opening my legs to any man that told me he loved me. I lost myself and forgot that I was put here for a reason "Gods Plan" we all have our seasons.

It hurts me to see myself hurting myself. Running these streets and growing up by myself. Putting my all into a lifestyle that didn't have to be for me, letting boys hit and run (I guess that shit was cool).

Finding love in anyone who would tell me, that I was special. holding drugs and hiding out (I knew I was with it).

Getting drunk and wild'n out just to mask the pain. Having sex and giving up, everyday the same thing. Then I became a mother and hoped things would change but nothing different just a new day.

Here I go loving that man more than I love myself . Dealing with him beating me and my mother taking his side. I slipped away from reality became entangled in self-doubt. Everyone telling me, who I am and I started to believe it! So much so I did nothing to beat it.

Now am a mother of two, still unsure of what to do. Trying to work hard but the odds are stacked against me. Dealing with a sick child and unable to hold down a job, I became a product of my environment, just like my mom.

She has started teaching me how to work the world but not how to win in it. She has misinformed and misguided me, she has me believing I can't and won't win without following her rules.

Control! She has so much control of me, that I can't even see it. No moved made without her say, hell I can't even believe it. I am a mother of three now, the world is forever changing. I try to be a better person. Try to be a better mother. Try to be a bigger dreamer. Yet it is always something holding me back, and keeping me from being. Being so much more than what they say I am. What does the world need from me?

I wish I could love me more, or could help myself find the ending to to my story. I wish I knew the words that i needed to hear, so that someone could say them. I wish them men didn't hurt me so bad and i would be able to see that, it is greatness in myself. I wish I could fight this fight on my own but I know I can't beat it because, I don't understand that I

have all the power in my hands and all I have to do is use them. Use them to take back my life! Use them! Stand up and fight. No longer allow others to rule MY world. Show them babies better, show them it's more to this life. Teach them how to win and how to believe that they can, be whatever they want to be. Embrace my body, and my skin. My ability to love and learn will help me win. So I will stand for something and be QUEEN.