Night after night I have the same dream. A dream that all my wishes have come true. I have started my company, and I'm making so much money they feature me on Forbes. My family wants for nothing, and my happiness is bigger than the ceilings in my house. I have this same dream time and time again. I'm starting to believe God is showing me my future. So I'll keep dreaming and maybe one day it'll come true.

Birds have so much freedom. Being able to come and go as they see fit, able to fly away from any and all problems. Now I have that gift, that power to see the world from a different view. The power to sore so high that I, can fly with the birds and be free. I know this gift won't last forever. I know my time is limited. However, I will enjoy this freedom, enjoy this gift. Freedom is, all we all want. It is all we need. So if 24 hours is all I have, I'll make it all I need.

-Kj

I have settled for things, because I felt I didn't deserve better. The overwhelming feeling of not being good enough, has been something I have dealt with for a long time. The idea of settling showed up in my relationships more than any other area of my life. I didn't have a real father figure in my life and my mother wasn't the best example for relationships. So when I started dating, I didn't have much to go off of. Being a young black girl from Baltimore,MD, who stayed on the west side of town, with guys that were up to no good, didn't help. The summer of 2004, I lost a lot of weight and that's when things took a turn for me. I wasn't the fat girl anymore, I was the light skin girl with a big butt and big breast and that's all the guys could see in me. I started talking to this guy(lets call me Jo) and he was selling drugs and in the streets, but I was okay with it because he made sure I was taken care of. When my mother couldn't or wouldn't, he would. He was the reason I learned not matter how pretty you are, men will hurt you. Jo began having a sexual relationship with a close friend of mine. She told me it happened but continued having sexual contact with him. I was told, if I would have been doing it with him, maybe he wouldn't have started having sex with her. On that day I began to make excuses and settle. I told myself "they're right". I wasn't ready to have sex with him and if he is going to keep, kicking out the money, then he can keep having sex with her. I made it all okay. After that relationship ended, I started putting up with anything, as long as I could make it make sense to me. " Yeah, he maybe having sex with you! But I get his time". Or whatever other craziness I could come up with. Fast forward to 08-09 I started dating this guy and he came off so sweet! He had a job and had never been to jail lol. Y'all I thought I was doing something, or making a change with the type of men, I started to date. Oh, how wrong I was. All of my friends told me to stop dating him, to walk away and just put my all into school. They would say "He makes you cry". "He makes you feel bad about yourself ". "You're not focusing on school because of him." I got it all, but I thought I was in love. He broke up with me over Yahoo Messenger! And than told me he wanted a sexual relationship but not to be my "boyfriend" anymore. I guess the title was too much for him. I put up with that until my 20th birthday. That's when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to start talking to new people, because I knew he had a few girls in line. That's when I began building a friendship with my now husband. We both were dealing with our emotions after walking away from relationships. He became one of my best friends. I would tell him about the things that was happening with me and my ex and he would do the same.We help each other. He and I started an emotional healing process together. So after about three months, I made up my mind to be done with my ex completely. As the time passed, my new best friend started to become the love of my life. I started to feel feelings that I didn't understand, because I never had them before. He made me feel like a queen and he would tell me when he was wrong, and showed me that I deserved better. He loved me so hard and it felt so good, I started to love myself just as much if not more. I started seeing what he saw in me, when I looked at myself. I had never had that, not even from my mother. Now, before you ask "why is she telling us all of this"? Here is why. I never had anyone tell me how beautiful and special I was growing up. That lack of, acknowledgment and love sent me searching for understanding and self worth in boys, who didn't truly care about me. I see young women my age or younger (especially young black women) dealing with a man, who doesn't love her and he is just comfortable, or using her for a money, sex, and a place to stay or whatever. I see them not loving themselves enough, or respecting themselves enough and just settling for what is handed to them. Well I'm here to tell you. I love you and you are enough! Love yourself more, tell yourself, you're beautiful even if no one else does. Believe that a person will love you right and don't make excuses for them, when they don't.

Don't settle!

Love you More!

-KJ

The world really did a number on me. From the time I was born life had a plan for me, far be it from a pretty one. My mother and father didn't have my back, and I had to learn things the hard way.

Like my father, he thought he was doing it right, taking me to church and keeping me locked up tight. Yet he started to fail me to, by not believing me when I was telling the truth.

My mother still didn't make life any better, from spending all of our money and taking money from me. She left us homeless and hungry and she loved the Casino more than me. So what is left for a young girl to do?

I began looking for love under every rock, and opening my legs to any man that told me he loved me. I lost myself and forgot that I was put here for a reason "Gods Plan" we all have our seasons.

It hurts me to see myself hurting myself. Running these streets and growing up by myself. Putting my all into a lifestyle that didn't have to be for me, letting boys hit and run (I guess that shit was cool).

Finding love in anyone who would tell me, that I was special. holding drugs and hiding out (I knew I was with it).

Getting drunk and wild'n out just to mask the pain. Having sex and giving up, everyday the same thing. Then I became a mother and hoped things would change but nothing different just a new day.

Here I go loving that man more than I love myself . Dealing with him beating me and my mother taking his side. I slipped away from reality became entangled in self-doubt. Everyone telling me, who I am and I started to believe it! So much so I did nothing to beat it.

Now am a mother of two, still unsure of what to do. Trying to work hard but the odds are stacked against me. Dealing with a sick child and unable to hold down a job, I became a product of my environment, just like my mom.

She has started teaching me how to work the world but not how to win in it. She has misinformed and misguided me, she has me believing I can't and won't win without following her rules.

Control! She has so much control of me, that I can't even see it. No moved made without her say, hell I can't even believe it. I am a mother of three now, the world is forever changing. I try to be a better person. Try to be a better mother. Try to be a bigger dreamer. Yet it is always something holding me back, and keeping me from being. Being so much more than what they say I am. What does the world need from me?

I wish I could love me more, or could help myself find the ending to to my story. I wish I knew the words that i needed to hear, so that someone could say them. I wish them men didn't hurt me so bad and i would be able to see that, it is greatness in myself. I wish I could fight this fight on my own but I know I can't beat it because, I don't understand that I

have all the power in my hands and all I have to do is use them. Use them to take back my life! Use them! Stand up and fight. No longer allow others to rule MY world. Show them babies better, show them it's more to this life. Teach them how to win and how to believe that they can, be whatever they want to be. Embrace my body, and my skin. My ability to love and learn will help me win. So I will stand for something and be QUEEN.

Why didn't you see, you should have been my first love? You should have been the first KING in my life. Yet you walked away and denied me. Was that DNA test not good enough for you? Growing up without a dad is bad for any child. For a boy... he doesn't have the right skills it takes to be a stand up man. He learns how to walk away and how to give up on his family. You teach him how to disrespect women and how to get what he wants, without giving anything in return... His mother can only teach him so much for she isn't a man.. And for a little girl... well, for us we learn young that men will walk away, disappoint us, treat us like we don't matter and maybe only show up when they want something. Why can't you see, you should have opened doors for me? Pulled out my seat? So that I would have standards for the men that came into my life. Why can't you understand, I needed you to tell me to keep my "honey bun" to myself, because it is special and no man should touch it or me until he is willing to put a ring on my finger? Why can't you see my mother couldn't do alone? She was working hard to do her best, but I still ended up between worlds, trying to be the good girl, with good grades and great friends, but at the same time looking for a father in this boy or that man... hoping he would love me unconditionally (you know, the way you didn't?)

You come back around after years of let downs and giving up on me, and act as if I should care for you... the way you never cared about me. You don't get to question me about life as if you didn't miss out it on purpose. You don't get to give me away on my wedding day! As if you did something to get me to this place. You don't get to tell your family about all the good things I have done as if you played a part in that.

Why can't you understand I am no longer hurt? Just done.

Why can't you understand I have forgiven you? But not for your well being, but mine.

Why can't you understand that a little black girl without her dad can grow up to be a mean, hurt, unforgiving black woman?

Take responsibility for the part you played. Stop placing blame on everyone else. And understand this little black girl has moved on.

-Kj

I have been told, that I don’t have much time. So I want to get this off my chest before I go. You have hurt me, more than anything or anyo else in this world. You let me down, you ran awa and you made me feel like it was my doing. As a little gir, all I wanted was you, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Can you answer a few questions for me?

Was I not the child you wanted?

Was a family with my mom that bad?

Did you think of me?

Do you love me?

Can you see the pain in me? do you care?

Even if you can’t answer me, I do want to say “I forgive you” even with everything and all the pain, I can’t do anything but forgive. I close my eyes knowing, that I am making peace with myself and with you.

I have been told, that I don’t have much time. So I want to get this off my chest before I go. You have hurt me, more than anything or anyo else in this world. You let me down, you ran awa and you made me feel like it was my doing. As a little gir, all I wanted was you, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Can you answer a few questions for me?

Was I not the child you wanted?

Was a family with my mom that bad?

Did you think of me?

Do you love me?

Can you see the pain in me? do you care?

Even if you can’t answer me, I do want to say “I forgive you” even with everything and all the pain, I can’t do anything but forgive. I close my eyes knowing, that I am making peace with myself and with you.

I have been told, that I don't have much time. So I want to get this off my chest before I go. You have hurt me, more than anything or anyo else in this world. You let me down, you ran awa and you made me feel like it was my doing. As a little gir, all I wanted was you, but I felt like I wasn't good enough. Can you answer a few questions for me?

Was I not the child you wanted?

Was a family with my mom that bad?

Did you think of me?

Do you love me?

Can you see the pain in me? do you care?

Even if you can't answer me, I do want to say "I forgive you" even with everything and all the pain, I can't do anything but forgive. I close my eyes knowing, that I am making peace with myself and with you.

Girl why are you crying? We are in this together. You don't need any friends or family, I am here for you.

That is what my anxiety says to me, every time I try to open up to you.

I bet you didn't know, I am in a full blown relationship with her. She stops me from going places by myself or talking to that person over there. She keeps me up at night overthinking, and over reacting. She is the one who tells me, you don't love me and that this is all to good to be true.

Why do you think, you can out run me? Like I am not stuck to you like glue. Like I will not follow you to the ends of the earth?!

That is my depression, letting me know I have no way out. Taunting me. Showing me how powerful she really is. I bet you didn't know, I have a side piece who won't take no for an answer. See, she is the reason I cry all alone in the shower. And the reason why the thought of killing myself almost won. She is the reason why I can't forgive or move on affectively. She likes to bring up old shit, and remind me that I wasn't good enough back then or now.

See I have been in a love triangle from the age of 15 and it seems they just won't let go. I tried talking to a counselor (you know, open up and shit) but they both came in with me, one on each side.

"Kj, how does that make you feel?"

Anxiety: "who does he think, he is talking to?" You won't get me to talk.

Depression: "I feel like yelling! I feel like crying! I feel like nothing"...

Me: "I feel fine."

I'm a black girl and I can't have problems like this ( That is what my mother said). Don't go telling people my business, keep that in my house. If you have a problem you talk to me, ( And I will judge you) and I will tell you it's nothing wrong, you are being dramatic, it is nothing wrong with you.

See I told you she wouldn't believe you. I told you! (Both of them).

See they love ganging up on me, making me losing myself, making me feel small or like I am crazy. They enjoy making you look bad to me, they show me things that aren't there.

You try to fight with me. You try to get me to see and understand your point of view, but I am set in their ways. As you see, I said their ways because I am not sure what mine are. You tell me to smile, because you have no idea what's happening in my mind.

Every time I try to yell for help, they both shut me up. Covering up my mouth and keeping the tears from falling in front of you.

Yo, I can't fight with you, I am way to busy fighting with them (I mean) fighting with myself (I mean) fighting.. I Way to busy trying to hide (I mean) trying to survive.

I can't breakup with the two of them, they will not let me. They need me, the same way I need them. Life makes no sense without them, they're the only ones who are consistently around, when everyone else walks away,they stay. They both keep me safe (well in my mind they do).

I know this threesome is hard for you to comprehend, well imagine how hard it is for me...

-Kj