Settle

I have settled for things, because I felt I didn't deserve better. The overwhelming feeling of not being good enough, has been something I have dealt with for a long time. The idea of settling showed up in my relationships more than any other area of my life. I didn't have a real father figure in my life and my mother wasn't the best example for relationships. So when I started dating, I didn't have much to go off of. Being a young black girl from Baltimore,MD, who stayed on the west side of town, with guys that were up to no good, didn't help. The summer of 2004, I lost a lot of weight and that's when things took a turn for me. I wasn't the fat girl anymore, I was the light skin girl with a big butt and big breast and that's all the guys could see in me. I started talking to this guy(lets call me Jo) and he was selling drugs and in the streets, but I was okay with it because he made sure I was taken care of. When my mother couldn't or wouldn't, he would. He was the reason I learned not matter how pretty you are, men will hurt you. Jo began having a sexual relationship with a close friend of mine. She told me it happened but continued having sexual contact with him. I was told, if I would have been doing it with him, maybe he wouldn't have started having sex with her. On that day I began to make excuses and settle. I told myself "they're right". I wasn't ready to have sex with him and if he is going to keep, kicking out the money, then he can keep having sex with her. I made it all okay. After that relationship ended, I started putting up with anything, as long as I could make it make sense to me. " Yeah, he maybe having sex with you! But I get his time". Or whatever other craziness I could come up with. Fast forward to 08-09 I started dating this guy and he came off so sweet! He had a job and had never been to jail lol. Y'all I thought I was doing something, or making a change with the type of men, I started to date. Oh, how wrong I was. All of my friends told me to stop dating him, to walk away and just put my all into school. They would say "He makes you cry". "He makes you feel bad about yourself ". "You're not focusing on school because of him." I got it all, but I thought I was in love. He broke up with me over Yahoo Messenger! And than told me he wanted a sexual relationship but not to be my "boyfriend" anymore. I guess the title was too much for him. I put up with that until my 20th birthday. That's when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to start talking to new people, because I knew he had a few girls in line. That's when I began building a friendship with my now husband. We both were dealing with our emotions after walking away from relationships. He became one of my best friends. I would tell him about the things that was happening with me and my ex and he would do the same.We help each other. He and I started an emotional healing process together. So after about three months, I made up my mind to be done with my ex completely. As the time passed, my new best friend started to become the love of my life. I started to feel feelings that I didn't understand, because I never had them before. He made me feel like a queen and he would tell me when he was wrong, and showed me that I deserved better. He loved me so hard and it felt so good, I started to love myself just as much if not more. I started seeing what he saw in me, when I looked at myself. I had never had that, not even from my mother. Now, before you ask "why is she telling us all of this"? Here is why. I never had anyone tell me how beautiful and special I was growing up. That lack of, acknowledgment and love sent me searching for understanding and self worth in boys, who didn't truly care about me. I see young women my age or younger (especially young black women) dealing with a man, who doesn't love her and he is just comfortable, or using her for a money, sex, and a place to stay or whatever. I see them not loving themselves enough, or respecting themselves enough and just settling for what is handed to them. Well I'm here to tell you. I love you and you are enough! Love yourself more, tell yourself, you're beautiful even if no one else does. Believe that a person will love you right and don't make excuses for them, when they don't.

Don't settle!

Love you More!

-KJ