uncertainty collects like coins
my family broke apart before i was even born, the day my mother
discovered she wouldn't be the only one of her anymore; no, tucked
inside her was the creature with the same blood running through their
mutt veins, and an unwritten destiny with a promise of uncertainty.
and so i discovered doomed eternity when i learned that my dad wasn't
my father and the color of my skin signed me up for bullying, i was a
bucket that collected other people's spit; yes, but i didn't like it.
it was a decade of consuming nights that started off crying and ending with
nightmares and lucid dreaming that taught me that uncertainty didn't
always mean happy endings; sometimes, it only meant an ending. perhaps,
if i didn't fall in love with the player on the football, confessing to him all
my secret tragedies or attempted to string together a friendship with my
adopted mother and leaving the one who birthed me behind in a forbidden
history; perhaps, things would've ended differently. but i did. and 'cause of
it, i can't change a damn thing. if only those things were my uncertainties.
so play me like a broken record, only the one where it skips straight toward
the ending, because at least then it'll save you a few undesired miseries; and,
if you ever see me, just run up and start holding my hand, 'cause i promise
you regardless of the moment (even when i'm smiling or in the middle of
kissing a former boyfriend), i promise you i'm still slowly breaking. it's the
uncertainties that kill me.
trust me, i knew someone who lived a life to sixteen just for it to end because
the uncertainties drowned him and the thoughts controlled his life for him;
sometimes i still think about him, and even though i told jesus i needed a
moment away from him, i even still pray for you.
yes, uncertainties collect like coins; i got a jar of them.