uncertainty collects like coins

my family broke apart before i was even born, the day my mother

discovered she wouldn't be the only one of her anymore; no, tucked

inside her was the creature with the same blood running through their

mutt veins, and an unwritten destiny with a promise of uncertainty.

and so i discovered doomed eternity when i learned that my dad wasn't

my father and the color of my skin signed me up for bullying, i was a

bucket that collected other people's spit; yes, but i didn't like it.

it was a decade of consuming nights that started off crying and ending with

nightmares and lucid dreaming that taught me that uncertainty didn't

always mean happy endings; sometimes, it only meant an ending. perhaps,

if i didn't fall in love with the player on the football, confessing to him all

my secret tragedies or attempted to string together a friendship with my

adopted mother and leaving the one who birthed me behind in a forbidden

history; perhaps, things would've ended differently. but i did. and 'cause of

it, i can't change a damn thing. if only those things were my uncertainties.

so play me like a broken record, only the one where it skips straight toward

the ending, because at least then it'll save you a few undesired miseries; and,

if you ever see me, just run up and start holding my hand, 'cause i promise

you regardless of the moment (even when i'm smiling or in the middle of

kissing a former boyfriend), i promise you i'm still slowly breaking. it's the

uncertainties that kill me.

trust me, i knew someone who lived a life to sixteen just for it to end because

the uncertainties drowned him and the thoughts controlled his life for him;

sometimes i still think about him, and even though i told jesus i needed a

moment away from him, i even still pray for you.

yes, uncertainties collect like coins; i got a jar of them.