Help Me Understand

My waves of thought are crashing down on me and pulling me apart like a riptide.

The only thoughts flowing through my mind are all the bad things I've ever done to myself or others.

It's like my brain is trying to punish me for everything...

Like the time I threatened to kill myself if my best friend didn't go to prom with me...

And the time I seriously considered sleeping with someone other than my significant other "just to get the feelings out."

Or the time I overdosed... Times**... Either to try and kill myself or to have someone realize how lonely I am...

And the only ones who knew about it couldn't help...

Who the hell would know what to do with me anyway?

It's sad, I had to threaten to kill myself for anyone to go to prom with me...

Or that I had a seizure, threw up everywhere, and felt true pain from lack of connection and drug overdoses...

I've felt all kinds of love and pain but it never feels real...

I just feel numb... I feel nothing, like any other inanimate object...

Nothing I've ever done has been positive...

All I can do is put on a smile for the day and distract myself from the pain until I have to fall asleep beside my demons...

And let them take over for the night...

Just to control the horridity of my thoughts and dreams...

Why does anyone like me? All I've ever done is get angry at everyone and try to kill myself...

Who could love a piece of shit like that?

I don't understand...

Please...

Help me understand...

Hopefully closure will help me sleep soundly eventually...

I'm just not sure when that'll be...