Beauty.

It doesn't take the form of a human but rather a soul.

One's love and compassion gives more strength than the sight of an attractive, heartless demon.

Beauty is beyond what words can describe;

A fantasy where the flowers are bloomed, the animals are free, and your love gives the world a pink tint;

Color gives you emotion;

Beauty gives you color.

Avoid the gray darkness of the monsters we call "humans" and welcome the angels that give your life color and beauty.

Welcome the beautiful souls that provide empathy and compassion;

Welcome the flowers that bloom with the sweet aroma of freedom and love;

Welcome to a place where physical attractiveness doesn't define you;

Welcome to a world where beauty is defined by your kind-hearted soul;

Welcome home.

My waves of thought are crashing down on me and pulling me apart like a riptide.

The only thoughts flowing through my mind are all the bad things I've ever done to myself or others.

It's like my brain is trying to punish me for everything...

Like the time I threatened to kill myself if my best friend didn't go to prom with me...

And the time I seriously considered sleeping with someone other than my significant other "just to get the feelings out."

Or the time I overdosed... Times**... Either to try and kill myself or to have someone realize how lonely I am...

And the only ones who knew about it couldn't help...

Who the hell would know what to do with me anyway?

It's sad, I had to threaten to kill myself for anyone to go to prom with me...

Or that I had a seizure, threw up everywhere, and felt true pain from lack of connection and drug overdoses...

I've felt all kinds of love and pain but it never feels real...

I just feel numb... I feel nothing, like any other inanimate object...

Nothing I've ever done has been positive...

All I can do is put on a smile for the day and distract myself from the pain until I have to fall asleep beside my demons...

And let them take over for the night...

Just to control the horridity of my thoughts and dreams...

Why does anyone like me? All I've ever done is get angry at everyone and try to kill myself...

Who could love a piece of shit like that?

I don't understand...

Please...

Help me understand...

Hopefully closure will help me sleep soundly eventually...

I'm just not sure when that'll be...

Scissors and knives look me in the eyes like a tiger stalks its prey.

I get the urge to kill like the drinks that fill me up at night.

And sometimes if it's bad, I'll be more mad at myself than anyone else.

I remember one time when I spilled the wine and I threw the glass at the door.

I scared my wife then pulled out a knife as I tackled her to the floor.

She screamed and cried until the knife was gone and her scissors were in her hand.

I will never know what was said, I was out of my head and my wife was scared to death.

Rehab, therapy - nothing helped, so I jumped off a bridge and held my breath.

I fell through the air as the wind slapped my face.

Before I hit the ground, I heard a sound of a snip.

It made me open my eyes;

I had died in a way I won't ever forget:

In the arms of my wife, I feel myself fall softly through a cloud;

I find it odd that she's pulling me down;

I will never live my life again...

Not ever, not now...

"I won't hurt you," he said.

"Just let me kiss you," he said.

Feeling depressed and nothing;

he took advantage of me.

I only did what I thought was right,

I did't owe him,

I didn't - NO!

He pulled me closer so fast, said I "wouldn't even feel a thing."

Paralyzed in my whole body,

I couldn't even blink.

And, oh, the thoughts in my mind -

They wouldn't even form.

I felt like a tortoise being tossed into the shore.

He looked over at me...

Could tell I couldn't breathe...

He just watched me leave...

It didn't mean anything...

Floozy, tramp, slut, whore -

What did I even come here for?

He pulled me closer so fast, said I "wouldn't even feel a thing."

Paralyzed in my whole body,

I couldn't even blink.

And, oh, the thoughts in my mind -

They wouldn't even form.

I felt like a tortoise being tossed into the shore.

Seeing my friends see me...

was worse than being me.

They knew before I did.

"I think he raped me," I said.

They couldn't believe it at all.

"Maybe it's no one's fault."

But I told them,

"He pulled me closer so fast, said I 'wouldn't even feel a thing.'

Paralyzed in my whole body,

I couldn't even blink.

And, oh, the thoughts in my mind -

They wouldn't even form.

I felt like a tortoise being tossed into the shore."

"Come and meet him outside."

I said, "No."

I go and meet him outside,

He doesn't go away.

It doesn't go away.

It doesn't go -

I moved onto the rooftop and felt myself look around.

One foot through the fence and I'll be lying on the ground.

I could die on the ground...

I won't die on the ground...

Have you ever wondered what it's like to lose someone?

Have you ever felt so depressed that you couldn't even get out of bed?

Have you ever been through something traumatic?

Have you ever attempted suicide?

Do you know what war is like?

Do you know how I'm feeling?

Of course you don't, you're not me.

I've been through it all.

I've been through everything you could ever imagine,

and I'm still here.

Glory.

That's what this is.

I am honored to still be alive.

You should feel the same way.

You matter.

Love.

You can never get enough of it.

All you need is love.

Remove the toxins from your life,

and just fill it with love.

Legend.

You are legendary;

one of a kind.

You mean the world to me,

so please stay.

Pain.

Do you know what heartbreak feels like?

The deepest pain you could ever imagine?

It runs through your body

and feels like someone has taken a knife to every inch of your soul.

You're not me.

You can never understand.

Wherever I walked, I left a trail of literal darkness behind me. I tried to keep it from happening, but it was hard when there were so many things bringing out the sadness within me. So many idiots were out there who didn’t understand what it was like. They didn’t know. I didn’t know either. I didn’t know why I was different; I didn’t know where I came from; I didn’t have a home; I didn’t have a name; I didn’t have a family. But I called myself Cassie. It made me feel... normal.

Life is difficult when you’re anything like I was. When you don’t know where to go; when you can’t make friends because nobody trusts you. I had this power; it was hard to control. I’ve had many unpleasant thoughts which I somehow had the ability to literally give to others. I didn’t mean to give them those thoughts; I didn’t really want to hurt anyone. If anyone deserved to be hurt, it was me.

Of course, somehow I still had to go to school. Even without a birth certificate, even though nobody knew about my existence, I still had to go.

Why am I torturing myself? All the people who do know I exist are afraid. That’s why I hide. I hide under my hat. I had this purple beanie. I wore it so people couldn’t see what I actually looked like. I had it my entire life. I didn’t know where it came from, but it hid the death in my eyes. It covered up this monster in me...apparently this monster can also be physically seen by others too. When I wore the hat, my eyes would become a normal hazel color like most humans. No one knew how I looked without the hat on… Not until high school.

Honestly, the first day of freshman year wasn’t the worst first day I’ve had. Nobody was being rude to me, they mostly just pretended I wasn’t there.

This was really a normal day for me. As long as nobody made me anxious, mad or depressed, or worse than I already was, then everyone was safe. That’s why school was extremely difficult for me.

I’ve had moments in the past where I accidently used my power on a teacher...That teacher ended up killing a student… and herself… Luckily, there was no way they could trace it back to me. Nobody knew about my power… I think… At least not at the time.

So the first class I have today is Creative Writing. Good, a class I can handle.

I walked into the classroom and I sat in the back corner.

Nobody wants to sit near me, anyway. I understand.

To my surprise, a girl came over to my corner and sat right next to me. She looked directly at my eyes, grinned, and then looked at the ground, smiling.

That’s not the reaction I’m used to.

I looked at my desk. Then at my backpack. I got my pencil and notebook out for class; I looked back up at the girl. She had her stuff out and she was already writing.

Her skin is pale. She has natural forest green eyes. She wears thick, black eyeliner. Her eyes are big and the green color shines off of her eyes. Dark brown hair- almost black, but not quite. Her bangs cover up most of her face. She’s wearing black, like me- but with some red and more color and she looks beau-

“Alright, hello class. I am Ms. Zcivokotorp. That is Zvick-tore. The last ‘P’ is silent and the ‘C’ is pronounced as a ‘V’. Zcivokotorp. You can call me Ms. Z. That’s easier for everyone-”

Ok, class is starting. Just listen. Don’t worry about anything. If you worry, things will get bad. No, stop thinking. Oh, no. I’m worrying. I’m worrying pretty bad. Merrr.

I looked at my wrist and it looked like it was smudged with black ink.

No, this is my power. The worries are showing. I’m getting hungry. No, I don’t want to be hungry. Good things don’t usually happen when I’m hungry. I need to go to my happy place.

I looked back at the girl next to me. My heart felt like it was in a knot and my stomach whirled.

I don’t know what this is. I’m not worried though. I don’t know what this feeling is.

My worries started going away and the black on my wrist faded back to my semi-normal pale skin tone.

I guess that means this feeling isn’t bad. Nobody looks like they got hurt. I’m not as hungry. Did I just control it? That never happens. I don’t know what just happened. I...I think I need to leave. I’ll wait for the bell then, I guess.

The bell rang and I waited for everyone else to leave the room before I slowly made my way out the door with all my stuff packed away in my backpack. I walked down the hall and into the stairwell. There’s always a door at the back of every stairwell, so I walked through that door right out of the school. Once I got outside, I started running. My school is right next to where I “live,” so I didn’t have to run too far. I climbed over the gates across the

street from the school and I sat in a dark, shady spot under a bunch of trees. I threw down my backpack and I sat in my “bed.” Everything there was already dead, so I didn’t have to worry about hurting anyone.

I just continued to sit, and I started thinking. I thought about how that girl made me feel.

I didn’t even know her name.

Suddenly, I felt lonely. Once I thought, “loneliness”, a beautiful red rose on the bush beside me turned gray. Its thorns shot out, it made a noise like it was screaming, then the rose fell to the floor, turning black.

It’s fine, I’m used to this. It was my last living rose, though.

It started to get dark outside. I scanned the general area of the cemetery I “lived” in, then I closed the coffin and stared at the darkness. I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my breath. I pushed open the coffin and looked around. It seemed brighter than usual. It was weird.

I stepped out and grabbed my backpack to go to school.

Forget food and everything else, I need to know that person’s name.

I rushed to the cemetery gate and quickly climbed over. I ran across the empty streets.

Why are the streets empty?

I ran into the school and realized I was really late. I never usually slept in that late. It was already second period.

Which class do I even have?

I turned around to grab my backpack. Right behind me, I saw the girl. She was with a friend, but once she saw me, she smiled.

She looks cute with her eyes shining... Her hair looks like it’s floating.

Her friend looked at me. Her eyes widened, her face turned white, and she turned and walked away quickly.

She’s scared of me. Ok, if that’s how she wants to be. I don’t care. Everyone’s like that with me, anyway. You’re just like the rest.

Without having noticed, I had been “triggered.” I looked back at the girl and I froze. “I...I gotta go,” I said, and I dashed out of the school through the same stairwell.

I think I left another stupid trail of darkness. I don’t like this, it’s annoying.

“Hey!” the girl yelled over to me. I stopped right before I reached the street and I turned around.

“Yes?”

“I’m Evelyn…” she said loudly, yet softly at the same time.

“I...I’m Cassie,” I responded. I slowly turned back around, eyes wide, and I ran across the street. I climbed over the gates back to the cemetery. I turned around again to see that the girl followed me over here. She looked around. I think she was reading the tombstones. Then she looked back over to me blankly. She threw her backpack beside a tombstone with my name on it. (Yes, I got my name by reading a dead person’s tombstone. I didn’t have anyone name me. I’m pretty sure the government doesn’t even know I exist.)

“Why did you follow me here?” I asked Evelyn.

“I was, uh...I don’t really know. I mean...the ground started turning dark where you walked and I was wondering what was happening.”

No, my power. How do I explain this to her. I think I can probably trust her. I don’t really know her though. Who cares, how else am I expected to make friends?

I looked at Evelyn and I reached for my purple beanie. “Before I show you the real me, I need to warn you: I have a power that basically makes everything dark and depressing. I don’t like it, but I was born like this. I...have been trying to hide it for a long time. Nobody has seen the real me. Please don’t go,” I said.

She stared at me blankly. I probably freaked her out, but too late. I already said I’d show her.

I slowly took off my hat and held it tightly in my hand. I stared at Evelyn and watched her reaction to what I was hiding; a dark, broken half-dead figure with limbs falling off, and completely black eyes that stare deep into your soul.

She didn’t seem as much scared as she was surprised. Her eyes widened and she smiled slowly. “Whoa…”

Well that was not the reaction I was expecting. I forced a laugh and I put the hat back on. “Anyway…”

“Cool,” she said, still staring at me.

“You’re not scared?”

“Why would I be scared?”

“Did you not just see me?”

“I’m not going to judge you based on what society thinks is right or wrong…”

Wow. Not many people are like that. I knew there was something about her that was...different. I like this.

Since that day, Evelyn and I had been hanging out pretty often. Each of us would choose a place that we want to go and we would hang out every other day.

I remember when I brought her to a park near the cemetery; I remember when she held my hand. I remember going on the swings and jumping off like I was flying; she did the same and landed right next to me. Another time she took me to a baseball field that she would go to when she was little. She used to play baseball and I remember the stories of when she played. I remember sitting on top of the batting cage and we watched the sunset. I remember that I kissed her cheek and she turned and kissed my lips and I remember sitting there together until the sun went down and the dark filled the sky.

Evelyn brought her friend. She loved her friend and she loved me.

I was doing pretty well controlling my power for a while. Until something happened... Why does something always have to happen?

One day, I went over to Evelyn’s house. She offered me food and everything. I couldn’t say no. I stayed over for a while. Then her dad came in. It started out ok. Her dad kept asking me questions. He wanted to be sure that he “approves” of me. That’s what dads do. Then he went a bit too far with his “questioning.” Evelyn left for the bathroom and things got really intense. Her dad was basically yelling at my face. No, he was yelling at my face.

“Get away from me! I never plan on hurting anyone!” I yelled.

“If you don’t tell my daughter the truth, I want you to get your ass out my house right now!”

Nobody ever yelled at me like that before. I was scared. I didn’t mean to react. There was no turning back time. I could see the darkness in his eyes. I gave it to him. Right then, he was triggered too. There was nothing I could do but run out of the house as he grabbed a gun from a safe. He fired it at me a few times from just outside his front door, then he pointed it at his own head and pulled the trigger.

I saw Evelyn come out of the house. I froze when she saw her dad on the ground...dead. She looked up at me- I swear, I will never forget how she said this- “You’re a Monster.”

It was obviously not my day that day. Tears started streaming out of her eyes. She reached for her dad’s gun and pointed it at me, but she couldn’t shoot it. It was too hard for her.

I was triggered very badly at that moment and I could see the darkness go into Evelyn’s eyes. Evelyn stopped what she was doing and dropped the gun on the ground. She started to scream and she put her hands to her head. She looked like she was hurting.

At that point, I realized what I had done. I ran back to her.

“Evelyn-”

“Get away from me!”

“But I know how to help-”

“I said GO AWAY, BITCH!”

“Evelyn- Ev… Those are my thoughts. I… I know how they work. I can seriously help-”

“You can’t help me, Cassie. My dad was the only family I had left. You killed him-”

“That was only a part of me - you know what? Come here.”

“What? Where are you going? I’m not coming with you-”

“Please, just trust me on this.”

“But I… ok,” Evelyn said.

She got up slowly and reached for the gun.

“No, put it down.”

“But-”

“Please trust me.”

She paused for a couple seconds. Then she backed away and left it on the ground.

“Ok, now follow me.”

I took her to a place that always calmed me down. It was a quiet place right by the water. There were a bunch of rocks. All you could feel was a nice breeze with the smell of fire. A sweet fire. And leaves. You could hear the water being pulled down the creek and it was beautiful. I looked back over at Evelyn and she had no expression on her face; she seemed pretty calm to me, but she wasn’t used to these thoughts. So many bad things that were going on in her mind.

I should’ve apologized, I should’ve right then. That was the last time I ever got to see her. The next day, I went back to her house to see how she was doing and if she was okay . There were a couple police cars around her house. I asked an officer what happened. He told me that they were still investigating, but both Evelyn and her dad were gone for good. It was my fault.

I know now that I just can’t handle love. They’ll always end up getting hurt in the end. Ever since Evelyn died, I’ve spent my days alone in the cemetery. Maybe I was never meant to have love. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone. Maybe I was born to kill. Maybe I’ll never know. But I do know that I never want to make that mistake again. If I ever end up meeting someone like Evelyn, I will try not to make as many mistakes. Maybe there’s a way that I can get all this darkness out without taking it out on people. I will find out eventually, but there’s no turning back time. I will just have to figure it out for as long as I “live.” That is, if “living” is what I’m really doing…

Nom nom- hee-haw!

Like the sound of a dying donkey

Forced into water so it can’t breathe.

Screech chomp on nom nom!

All I ever hear when you put something to your lips-

It sounds like nails on a chalkboard,

But the chalkboard is exploding with painful knives that make your ears bleed-

But the blood doesn’t come from your ears,

it comes from your mouth.

Everything mashed up and spit out-

Not purposefully but accidentally.

At least you have no more food left for you to eat.

It’s all on the floor now...

Help.

Help me, I'm stuck.

Stuck in a place where no one knows anything except me.

Stuck in my mind.

You're the only one who can save me.

Only you.

Time.

Time is running out...

for you and me.

We don't have to stay here.

These thoughts take me to a place where no one knows anyone except me.

And I'm stuck.

Help.

Help me.

Forever.

You said forever is all we need,

but you're not here now.

I need you now.

Stuck in a place where no one knows anywhere except me.

And I need you,

not me.

These thoughts conquered me head.

I can't spell them out for anyone,

not even you.