Attempts at Being Good

I made a mask for you

Just for you

I crafted the perfect paper mache masterpiece molding the the soggy newspaper to fit like a second skin

I drew on the widest smile I could

The most sympathetic eyes

Cheeks that blush the right amount when you say good things to me

A face the world would love

A face it would understand

And even though it hurts my face and makes the muscles stiff

And even though it's hard to breathe and hard to think under glue spread so thick

I will keep it on

For you

And I can for some days at a time

But I get tired

You see nobody makes a mask for me

Nobody studys my face in the light as my emotions show

Nobody thinks they should conform themselves to the contours of my face

And I put work into my personal craft project so you don't even know it's there

But the fumes make me sick and paper becomes so stiff I cannot even copy you the same anymore.

And the paint starts to peel

And my skin starts to itch

In a way that makes my head spin

In a way that distracts me from my human study

In a way that ends with me on the floor Scratching

Peeling

Tearing

My mask off

And once my mask lies on the kitchen floor

I disappear to you

A half truth for survival

The next time I meet someone like you

I will make a mask for them

Maybe a little less perfect

The paint bleeding at the edges

But I will still stay up all night trying to perfect it

Squishing my face in the mirror

Practicing the inflection of my voice

Memorizing how to be

And I may realize the paper has trouble sticking

And I may notice how how unnaturally it sits on my skin

One day I might be able to take that mask and sit it down in the back of my closest

One day I might be able to breathe

For now I just add more glue