Losing

Most of my days are good. Actually, almost all of them are good. Even when things don’t go exactly how I planned them. You know those days where nothing goes right: you spill coffee on your white shirt, you are refused at job interviews, you lose an argument about some intelectual matter. And it is alright, when I have one of these day I just tell myself ″it’s just a bad day, the stars are not on your side now″.

But after a series of very good and not so good days, something comes out of me and says: it’s over today.

You’re done.

Don’t get out of bed. You don’t talk to anyone. You don’t like the taste of coffee that tastes the same as every time. You don’t feel good about anything and in fact you’re not capable of anything.

Try writing something. Wait, you’re not even good at that. Maybe go out for coffee with the girls. No, you’ll annoy them with your apathy.

Stay in bed, smoke cigarettes like a tractor driver and don’t eat anything. You deserve not to eat anything because you don’t know how to appreciate anything. Go brush your teeth. Shower? What is that? Maybe you should feel on the outside as miserable as you are on the inside.

You know your boyfriend, right? The person that loves you so much and has convinced you to eat again. You trusted him completely but today it ends. You have no reason to believe that but you know. He will call you and will say that he cheated on you with his ex, or he will tell you that he wanted to cheat on you with her and it would be better if you would break up. You see, last night he slept with her. You know better, your intuition, she never lies to you.

You want to cry? You can’t. Just keep everything inside and let it grind you. You cried when you woke up? Of course, you knew it was going to be one of your dark days. Take a break from writing now. Smoke another cigarette and think about what a mess you are. That’s the reason why not even your parents can’t stand you. With this behaviour no one is going to marry you, that’s what they tell you.

Remember, you don’t leave the house unaccompanied. Last time you didn’t care about the color of the traffic light and a ford almost took you out of the game. You wouldn’t want to upset anyone with your death.

You want to listen to music? Indeed, it lifts your spirit. It doesn’t matter, you can’t concentrate for more than three seconds to a song. Scroll all day on the phone without paying attention to anything.

Today you’re done. Stay where you are. You’re doing good to everyone.

In the dark days I lose control.

Something else from deep within me takes it. Something ugly and disgusting.

Something that manages to hide so well, that it makes me believe that I won’t have other days like that.