DJT and the White House Apocalypse

I was told I needed to write up this report about my experience last night, so here it is. Might be a bit short since I have to get to the club by 9 AM so I can beat Tiger Woods. Sucka!!

Alright, listen up, so it’s a Tuesday night, and I’ve just finished this incredible meal by our favorite chef (well, Melania says he’s the best, but I’m not so sure...I mean, he’s kinda ugly compared to that hot lady chef we got). Anyway, so I’ve just finished eating when I look up from wiping some sauce off my shirt and I see none other than Joe Biden standing next to me. He’s hovering over me, like an idiot, with this cheesy grin on his face. I’m like “whoa, what the ****!” (they told me to bleep out the cussing in my report...you can decide for yourself what four-letter word I’m saying. After all it’s a free country, right Joe?). He’s still standing there, just grinning at me, you know. And he just won’t stop. And I say, “Joe, what are you doing just standing there grinning at me? Did you get lost on your way to the basement?” I thought that was a good one. But he doesn’t respond, just keeps on doing that weird grinning thing. It’s a little unsettling.

So I’m just staring at him, trying to figure out what to do with him. I mean, what would be the nice thing to do to your top political rival who’s just dropped into your house for a visit with no warning? Offer him some food? Give him a peek at my exclusive solid gold golf club collection? Let him have the pick of my staff to take him on a tour of the place? I mean, d***, he’s so sure this is gonna be his house anyway so why the h*** not? Show him what he’ll never have. D***, this censoring thing is so not fun. It’s terrible. It’s completely unconstitutional. This must be what it’s like to work for Facebook, right? Just go in there and delete everything you don’t like? And then while you’re at it, replace it with something fake that sounds nice or maybe horrible depending on who or what you’re talking about. Man. So sad!

Alright, anyway, back to my story. This is the good part now. This is when it starts to get really incredible, okay?

So I’m looking at Joe and wondering what to do and I look over at Melania and suddenly she’s all doing that staring and grinning thing too! “Melania!” I say. “What’s going on here?” And of course she doesn’t reply. Just keeps staring. And then I look at the agents over in the corner, and they’re looking at me all weird grin and stuff. I’m like, what the h*** has gotten into everyone tonight?

Well, you can probably guess what happened next, but I still have to write it out here, so tough. But yeah, can you guess who I saw next? I mean, who else walks into my dining room and comes to stand right next to Joe Biden, other than Obama himself. And now Obama is doing that crazy staring and grinning at me thing. I mean, is this for real? And then, you can probably guess what happened next, but what do you know, Hillary herself walks in the door! And then like three others from the Far Left Libs come in after her. I mean, what is this s***? Are they totally ganging up on me right now? Trying to scare me out of the White House before my time? People just can’t do that.

But believe it or not, that’s not even the worst thing that happened.

I look over at Melania again and say, “Melania, you gotta help me here. You’re on my side, remember?” And I won’t ever forget what happened next because it’s practically burned into my brain as one of the top ten, no top five, most terrifying things to ever happen to me. Maybe even top three.

Melania opens her grinning mouth even wider and suddenly her teeth are all black and disgusting and her eyes and her cheeks sink in to the bone like an old lady and her hair starts falling out and she literally turns into a zombie, right in front of my eyes. I am not kidding here.

Then I take a closer look at Biden and the same thing’s happening to him. Sunken face, black teeth, bald head, the whole shebang. Same thing with Obama and Hillary and Pelosi and the other Dems. Surprisingly they don’t look as bad as Melania does right now. H*** that’s gonna give me nightmares for weeks.

And then they all start to move toward me with terrible zombie faces and grunts like in the movies. I’m seriously thinking, did I just fall into a zombie movie or something?

I look around frantically for Barron but I don’t see him so he must’ve decided to get out of there while he could. Smart boy. So I do the next best thing I can think of and grab my phone and dial up Don Jr. He’s so good at talking he can even talk circles around me and that’s saying something. He’ll be able to think up a way to sweet talk these zombie-fied people into being normal humans again. It’s really in their best interest to get human again. Why would anyone choose to become a zombie? It just doesn’t make sense.

So Don Jr answers his phone and I say, “Don! Son! You gotta come over here right now!” At first I don’t hear anything and then he says, “You okay, Dad?” And I say, “Not really, there’s a bunch of creepy zombie creatures stalking me in the dining room! And Melania’s one of them!”

“Dad?” he asks again and I don’t know what the h*** he’s doing, probably in the middle of making some speech like he’s so good at doing, but there is a time for making great speeches and there is a time for coming to your father’s rescue, am I right?

Hillary is reaching her arms out and trying to step over Joe to get to me and one of her eyeballs is hanging out of the socket--and I’m telling you, if I weren’t so scared out of my mind right now, I’d be laughing my head off at these Left Wing Libs, they look so comical with their big gaping jaws and ugly decomposing faces and arms swinging back and forth, it really suits them. But I’m so scared I don’t think about that, all I’m thinking is getting out of that s***hole as fast as I can, so I jump back a few steps to the other side of the table and yell into the phone. “Son! I need you to come over to the White House stat and get these Radical Leftists back in line! Do you hear me?”

Then I hear him say something to someone else that sounds like, “It’s just Dad having another bad trip.” But I’m not on a trip! I’m right here at home and I need help here before I get eaten to shreds! “Donny!” I shout louder, but then what do you know, he just hangs up on me! He actually leaves his poor father in a lurch. What is this world coming to?

Then I call Eric, and he doesn’t even answer. Why don’t you get the h*** off Twitter, Eric! I mean, what does a father have to do to get his son’s attention? I wonder if I should call up Ivanka but I’m terrified that she’ll turn into a horrifically ugly zombie like Melania. I don’t think I could handle both of them letting themselves go like that.

So I call one of my lawyers and the second he answers I yell at him, “Get over here right away and I’ll double your fee if you promise to get rid of the zombies for me! No I’ll triple it!” And the moron, he says, “Are you okay, Mr. President? Should I call your psychiatrist?” And I say, “Of course not, you idiot! I’m about to get eaten by my wife! Call the military or NASA or somebody! Call Putin! Or one of the other world leaders at the UN! I think we’re being taken over by body-snatching aliens that look like zombies that used to be Melania and the entire Radical Left!”

By this time I’m forced to run to get away from the zombies. I have no clue if they’re really aliens, but I wouldn’t put it past them. I’m making my way to the door, but suddenly Pelosi jumps out of nowhere and grabs at me with an evil chuckle. I’m so shocked that I just drop my phone but I can’t bend down to pick it up because she’s looking like she’d like to take a bite right out of my neck. So I just hope my lawyer got the message and make a mad dash out of the dining room. I start running like crazy down the hall, but when I look back the whole horde of zombies is right behind me and Melania’s at the very front. It’s like they have superhuman speed now, which kinda makes sense because they’re not human anymore. They must be superhuman. Or supernaturals of some kind. Most likely aliens. Aliens always have some sort of supernatural power or strength. Now why did they evolve far enough to get super speed and we humans here on our great planet with all our incredible technology can’t even find a solution to world peace? Or famine, or bring born with bad teeth? It’s just not right.

So anyway, by now I’m thinking I must be having some kind of horrible dream. It was probably the lobster I ate. I think I heard them saying it came from some strange place in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and you know, the water’s so cold there and it’s kind of near China too, so no wonder it did strange things to my head. I don’t know, at least that’s what I’m hoping. A bad nightmare would be much preferable to actually being invaded by zombie aliens. But I definitely wouldn’t put it past them to take advantage of this time of political turmoil in our country and quietly invade us, with the help of the Left Wing Radicals, of course.

So I’m running and I’m running and I turn down another hallway and what do I see but a whole group of illegal immigrants charging down the hall toward me. See, this is what happens when we don’t secure our borders! And they’re all zombies too. And they’re holding up ridiculous signs that say stuff like “DJT is a bad, no-good president” and “Trump is the worst golf player of all time” and “Donald J. Trump is a terrible wall-builder” and “Melania is an alien.”

What have I been saying about Fake News? No matter what you do or say, they give you bad press. This is all of that stuff I’ve been speaking out against, coming to life, right here, center of the White House of all places. Even this great place of residence is not safe from corruption. You know, after I finish writing up this report I’m going to make a copy of it and bring it up in my next cabinet meeting. I’ll probably talk to them about letting me include it in my next campaign speech. Definitely in the State of the Union. It’ll be phenomenal. Really wake our country up. Make us great again.

So back to my story, I feel like I’ve been running for hours, just...hours, you know? In circles around the White House, down every hallway and back again, ten times in a row, twenty times. I think I have the layout of the building memorized down to every corner by now. And these zombie aliens, they just won’t stop chasing me. Almost caught me a few times, but I outwitted them. Had to. I mean, I’m not just gonna die right here in my own home, okay? That’s not American.

I keep looking out the windows for the sun to come up and wake me from this horrible dream, but it’s still dark. For hours and hours, right? Then, the most amazing thing happens. Pence must’ve been praying for me or something, ’cause this bright golden door appears in the hallway in front of me, just brighter than the sun, blinding white light all around it. It’s fantastic. First thing I think is, I’m finally saved! I totally beat those left wing zombies. Second thing I think is, I wonder if they have golf courses in heaven. But I don’t have time to think about that for long.

The door starts opening as I’m running toward it, so I muster up my strength and I launch myself head first through that door. Last thing I remember is soaring like an eagle through the clouds and seeing the beautiful mountains and lakes and fields below me. I feel majestic and powerful and so proud of my country right now. This is what it feels like to live in our great country.

And then suddenly I feel a massive punch to my stomach and I’m tumbling down down down through the air until I open my eyes and see Melania standing over me, with a mostly normal face, thank God. She tells me I ate something bad for dinner, but I’m still keeping my eyes open for suspicious looking liberals. I’m telling you, never trust a grinning Democrat.

Alright, this is over and out from your President. I promise you this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. (I’m putting my hand on a Bible as I say this. I am not making this up.)

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** I apologize if this causes offense in any way; it is meant to be nothing more than a lighthearted parody for comedic purposes. **