I will love you forever...

Death was never something he thought about. He did not lay awake nights, heart pounding in his ears, choking his breath, threatening to burst from his chest as he contemplated the thought that this might be the night he didn’t wake up. And if not tonight, some other night or day as yet unseen. Mind spinning in a whirlwind of existential angst in the silent darkness, body flooded with the energy of fear, fear of death, fear of the unknown, fear of un-being.

No, despite middle-age, he had a child's blissful ignorance of his own mortality.

And then, without the fanfare of mortal illness, fatal accident or advanced aging, he died.

No. Scratch that. His life was taken from him.

He was killed.

And, worse still, he did not immediately achieve eternal bliss, floating with angels amongst the billowy clouds of the heaven depicted in some famous work of art he’d once seen in a museum, nor did he suddenly find himself the repository of all the answers to the mysteries of the universe that have plagued humanity for as long as humans have had hours to dedicate to ideas rather than just the necessities of food, shelter and clothing. On the contrary, he was somehow still there, present in the home he had shared with the love of his life, trapped in the walls like secrets or black mold.

“Serena…” Her name spilled from every crevice of the room. His love…

He watched with what eyes he knew not, as her body crumbled over his, as her tears fell, silently, profusely, on what was a quickly chilling, rigor mortis-ing corpse. He screamed along with her, a mouthless, silent scream that equaled or surpassed hers in the agony of loss.

He did not know how long his mouthless scream endured, but when he once again was aware of his absent presence, his stepfather, Nick, was pulling her from the room and her dearest friend, Liana, was covering his body as she called 911 on her cellphone. As he watched from everywhere and nowhere, she slipped the friendship bracelet she had recently made for him from his wrist. A memento of a life that was no more. She had been a good friend to them.

And then, he – can I still be I, when I am no longer?– was alone. The physical evidence of his life, his body, removed at some point he did not experience. How much time had passed? What is time in this place, this space, where I am nothing but memories seeping through the cracks in the wall?

He didn’t know how to not be where he…wasn’t, and so he remained there, suspended, as it where, like a frog in a jar of formaldehyde.

It was not long before there she was and his heart, if he had had one still, would have broken as his stepfather carried her listless form and lay her upon the bed, pulling up the blanket and kissing her forehead. She grabbed his hand, eyes full and dark and sad, and whispered, “Please, don’t leave me, Nick.”

“Never,” he replied, his own voice raspy and full of grief that mirrored hers. Mine. Holding her hand, he sat on the edge of the bed.

Our bed.

Pain radiated everywhere, all their hearts breaking, broken.

Laying on her side, curled into a ball but for the arm extended to hold Nick’s hand, she moaned “I just don’t understand. He wasn’t sick. He exercised. He ate well. He didn’t smoke. He rarely drank alcohol. He wasn’t overweight. How does all that turn into a heart attack, Nick? How?”

“I don’t know, Serena. It was just his time.”

“Why him? Why now? Why not me? How will I live without him, Nick?”

“I am here for you, love. As you and Steve were for me when Elena passed.” Head bowed, he continued, “I can’t believe it’s only been six months.”

“Serena?”

Serena and Nick looked to the doorway to find Liana looking in. Nick released Serena’s hand and stood. Steve felt a slight chill pushing back the weight of grief in the room.

Anger?

“Leelee,” Serena cried lifting her arms. Liana ran to her side and embraced her. Nick walked to the door. He watched for a moment, his eyes soft, then silently left the room, closing the door behind him.

“Everyone is gone, love. I told them you had a headache and needed to rest.” Liana stroked Serena’s hair as Steve longed to do. As he had done so many times before.

“Thank you, Leelee.”

“I cleaned up downstairs so you don’t have to worry about it. There is a ton of food in the refrigerator and the freezer. It will last you for weeks.”

“What would I do without you?”

“Anything for you, Serena. Anything.”

“Will you stay with me, please? I don’t want to be alone. The bed is so big without Steve next to me.”

“Of course, love,” Liana whispered, laying down and curling herself around his love, as he never would again.

The room was suffused with emotions so thick it is a wonder that the walls did not press in upon them and swallow them whole. Sadness, grief, pain and…lust. And then the scene melted away and once again he was alone in his state of…nonbeing.

True to their word, Nick and Liana were frequent companions for Serena. Steve would hear one-sided conversations between them as they planned walks and dinners as well as visits to her favorite café. His only sense of the passage of time was the subtle change in Serena as her grief passed, her sadness lightened and she began to smile again.

“Hey, Nick…I’m good. Really good…Yeah, we’re still on for Saturday…getting ready to go out with Liana…Yeah, she’s been her wonderful self. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few months without both of you…yeah, she’s still staying over nights…” she looked towards the bed, “the bed is so big when I’m alone…yeah, I know. Soon. Soon….okay. See you then.”

As she ended the call, she and Steve both felt rather than saw that she was not alone. She looked up quickly and then relaxed with a smile.

“Hey, Leelee. I didn’t know you were here already. Just let me get my dress on.”

“Was that Nick?” Liana asked from the door as Selena ruffled through the dresses in her closet.

“Yeah. He’s been great checking up on me. Keeping me busy. Like you.” She paused as she pulled a short, black dress out of the closet. “What do you think?”

Liana’s eyes flitted to the dress, “How about the red one?”

Serena looked up. “I don’t think I’m ready for red yet.” She looked down. “And the red was Steve’s favorite.”

“And mine,” Liana said softly.

“Next time,” Serena said. She took a deep breath and then pulled on the black dress. “I was thinking, I want to start a garden like yours, Leelee. I think it will be soothing for me. I need a hobby…something.”

“Let me zip you up. Hold your hair.” She pulled up the zipper, and before she released it, she bent to kiss Serena’s neck, then stepped back quickly. “Gardening? Um, sure, love, I’ll give you some cuttings from my plants.”

“Thank you so much! I especially love that one with the purple flowers.”

There was a distinct shift in the room temperature before Liana responded, “I’ll give you several of the plants that are both lovely and easy to care for to begin. You and gardening have never been on the best of terms.”

Serena laughed, saying, “You’re right, of course. Let’s start tomorrow, okay?”

Liana said, “You got it. We’d better go before we’re late. Ready?”

“Let’s go.”

When Steve was once again alone, he was left with a sense of uneasiness, a feeling that he was missing something important.

Later that night, Serena entered the room, Liana not far behind.

“Really, Leelee. You can go home tonight. You’ve been wonderful staying with me like this, but I think I’m ready to sleep alone.”

“It’s no problem at all, Serena. I love being here with you,” Liana responded, drawing closer. “It’s like when we were teenagers.” She stood before Serena. In a quiet voice, she said, “I always loved our sleepovers.”

Again, there was that something niggling at Steve’s…consciousness.

“I love it, too, Leelee, but I need to learn to be alone.”

“But you don’t have to be alone. I’m here. I want to be here.” With that, Liana lifted her hand and caressed Serena’s cheek gently, tipped her chin and then kissed her lips, softly.

Serena stood very still but didn’t pull away.

And then Liana deepened the kiss; with a groan, her arms enveloped Serena, pulling her close as she moaned Serena.

Their dresses were on the floor, their bodies entwined in the dark, Liana whispering, my love, my love. Finally.

Finally.

Finally?

It was then that he understood.

Visions passed in the space around him of their lives. Of Liana always present. And he realized, or perhaps he had always known somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind where we tuck away uncomfortable knowledge and pretend it does not exist. He knew that she had always been longing. Always loving. Always lusting…for Serena.

And then he saw Liana’s garden. And he saw the friendship bracelet she had given him.

And he knew.

And with the knowledge, he was suddenly not just an ephemeral presence but a real presence and it was no longer night but rather day and not the following day but some other day, perhaps Saturday for Serena was once again dressing for the evening, but for dinner with Nick and Liana was sitting on the bed looking none too happy.

“It’s just dinner, Leelee. He’s lonely since Elena died. We’ve helped each other with our grief. He doesn’t have feelings like that for me.”

“Of course he does. Everyone loves you, Serena. You just don’t see it.”

Serena looked at Liana and then her eyes got wide as she looked just beyond her. And he knew that she saw him. That he was present. Corporeal. Her hand went to her throat, “Steve?”

Liana looked concerned. “You okay, Serena?”

Serena ignored her, still looking at him. He replied, “I don’t know how long this will last, your being able to see me. I hope you can hear me. Can you hear me?”

She nodded, eyes still wide, body trembling.

“Serena?” Liana queried again.

“Serena. I did not just have a heart attack. It was induced. I don’t know how she did it but my guess is it has something to do with her garden and the bracelet she gave me just before I died. Find out about the plants she keeps out of the main beds and only touches with gloves. Behind the shed. Do you understand, Serena? She is not well. She killed me. Be careful, my love.”

He knew his time was up as he felt himself one once again with everything, and therefore, nothing.

“Steve!” Serena screamed before crumpling to the floor.

“Serena!” Liana said leaping to cradle his wife in her arms.

The bell rang. Liana lifted Serena and put her on the bed. “I’ll tell Nick you can’t go out tonight. I’ll take care of everything.”

“No!” Serena yelled. Then in a normal voice, “No. I’m fine. I just…I just felt Steve close. So close. No, I’ll go. And you, too. You go home. I want to be alone tonight. I need to be alone.”

Liana looked angry then controlled her features, “Okay, love. Whatever you need. Call me if you want me to come over after you get back.”

“Thanks, Leelee. Um, I better go let Nick in.”

She ran out of the room and Liana stood there a moment looking around, eyes narrowed. In a hard voice, she said, “She’s mine. Mine! Steven,” and then walked out of the room leaving behind the scent of fear. Whose, he didn’t know.

Then, it was dark. Serena lay in the bed alone. Eyes peering into the darkness she whispered, “Steven?”

Though he willed himself there beside her, he remained in that space where dreams go to die and memories live. Serena was a whisper she could not hear.

“I know I’m not crazy. I know you were here. I’m so afraid. I don’t know what to do. Nick thinks I imagined you, that it was my own mind putting together pieces that have always been there but that I am only now putting together.” She sat up in the bed, hands around her knees and rocked. “Steve, I know it’s more than that. I know you are here. Even now. Looking over me. Wanting to protect me.”

“No, he’s not, Serena.” The bedroom door closed. “I’m here. I am always here for you. I have always been here for you. And you never cared. It never mattered. I was just your bestie when you were my everything. My reason for being. And now, when we are finally together, you bring him between us. Again.”

“Leelee…I…uh…I don’t understand.” Serena had slowly gotten out of the bed.

Liana sighed. “It doesn’t matter. Why don’t you get back in the bed? I brought you some tea to help you sleep.”

“Ah, thank you? But, uh, no. I’m fine. Um, you can go home now, Leelee. Really. We can talk in the morning.”

“No. We can’t. There is nothing more to say. Drink. The. Tea.” She held the cup up and Serena noticed she wore rubber gloves.

And she knew.

In the blink of an eye, Serena grabbed a pillow and threw it at Liana, jumping back as the tea splashed into Liana’s face. Liana screamed, first from the scalding water that splashed on her skin, into her mouth and eyes and up her nose. And then, there was only a choking sound as she fell to the ground, unable to breathe, her heart racing to its end.

“Serena,” she rasped, reaching towards her.

Serena kept far away as she called 911.

When the blinking lights of emergency vehicles began to swirl on the walls, Liana felt Steve’s presence like a cocoon around her.

And then he was gone.