Challenge Rant - Challenge Accepted
I feel like this challenge could get out of hand quickly. "Go on a rant." (Insert evil laugh here). Well, if I'm going to rant, brace yourself for a hate-fueled explosion of things that piss me off. Almost everything pisses me off.
Assholes that flip their collar up piss me off. I suppose the fuckers are so cool they can't were a shirt correctly, and I want to apologize if this is you, but I won't. Put it down. Please. Put it down.
Tailgaters piss me off. Blind rage. I'm not going faster. If you see my mouth moving, I'm insulting your mother in the vilest of ways. I'll slow down uphill and floor it on straightaways. My goal is you ask me to pull over. I have a plan for that. It's called beat your ass. Not getting it? Brake check! Please...rear end me. I beg you. I'm insured. Well. Are you? Guess who's getting paid? This guy. I'm getting paid. So get off my ass and I'll stop talking about your mother.
Dick heads that double park piss me off. I don't get it. Is that car your bank owns really that damn special? Is it? Is it?!??!? Well fuck you. I'm not fond of walking a quarter fucking mile to buy a loaf of bread because you so ass-wrecking important that your precious Kia can't be parked within a reasonable distance to another licensed driver. Guess what douche bag? I don't enjoy driving violations. So bet on me loving me more than you, and assume I won't t-bone your shitty car for fun. Got it? Ok good. Glad you agree.
Shoppers that block the aisle piss me off. I'm also excited you ran into someone you know at the store, but please stand to the side. It's not that miraculous. Control your excitement, try not to wet yourself and move out of my way. I'm sure your friend Betty is special, but move your ass. I know people. They're called my kids and I don't think they want to see their dad go to jail because you can't be troubled with the fact that you're not the most important person at WalMart.
Guys that eyeball my wife piss me off. I mean, she has kids and I'm right here. Really? You think I want you to look away, but really, I'm watching out of the corner of my eye, praying from the bottom of my heart you cross the line. Just begging. Please. Do it. I know how this ends. You move sluggish, slow. I already see you on the ground. Go ahead. Cross that line fucker.
People that tell me I'm wrong piss me off. Yes, I get it that you're a dumbass and would do it differently, but got this. If I valued your opinion, I'd ask.
People that crowd my space piss me off. I can feel your breath. Too close. It's called a voice. Fucking project. I'll hear.
Stupid commercials piss me off. I'm amazed these people make a living for this crap. I don't spend money when annoyed.
People that wear their hat backwards and block the sun with a salute piss me off. I don't feel this needs explanation.
Sitcoms piss me off. Sorry America, but every man isn't a twobit dumbass. Every woman isn't a raging smart ass. Is this really the best we can do?
Nosy people piss me off.
Typing all this on a phone pisses me off because I live in the middle of nature due to the fact that people in general piss me off and I rather enjoy my happiness. And satellite internet pisses me off so much I miss dual up.
That being said, I piss me off because I can't bring myself to stop being polite about things that piss me off.
PS. This is intended as comedy. I hope you got a chuckle.