Married in Quarantine
"It's a casserole thing."
"Well, yeah, that's my chili cornbread casserole?"
"I thought you'd just made cornbread for dinner. I was really excited. Then I realized there was stuff underneath it."
"Why are all these pics of women on your computer screen?"
"I'm looking for better hair ties."
"Ah. That makes more sense."
"Hey honey, how's the sky look today?"
"Like a late 80's, post apocalyptic Highlander set?"
"Just remember to keep your head."
"I don't think that top is office appropriate."
"Meh. Go file a complaint with HR."
"I can't. She's outside with her chew toy."
"Didn't you use your stimulus check to buy yourself a coffee machine that foams milk?"
"No? I just bought a regular coffee machine."
"Then how did you get all that foam on your coffee?"
"...I shook the oatmilk carton really hard?"
"My grandmother wrote us."
"Yeah. She says when her grandmother lived through the Spanish Flu she got sick and they had to drain her blood and remove one of her ribs, but they didn't stop working and shut all the businesses down like they're doing now."
"There's too much to unpack in that paragraph."
"Yeah. At least they're still writing to us and their retirement home isn't infected yet."
"Why does the front of the card have beaches and the inside has a bird on a snowy branch? I thought your other grandmother had dementia?"
"So wanna play?"
"I'm crocheting, can I just watch?"
"I thought you finished your crochet project."
"That was the last project."
"How many projects are there?"
"The top headline on my Google news feed says Animal Crossing is nerfing the egg rates for Bunny Day."
"Oh thank god, that's the news I've been waiting for."
"I think we've become one of those happy, complacent couples."
"Is that a problem?"
"It just sets unrealistic expectations. I think we should fight more often."
"Okay then. I want a kitten."
"Holy headlines - cocaine hippos!"
"Wait, that's what you're clicking on?"
"Shit, I know these hippos, dude! They're still in Columbia and they're wrecking the local ecosystem!"
"Biden's president, the vaccine is rolling out, extremists are using ham radio..."
"FUCKING COCAINE HIPPOS!"
"Everytime I hear this radio commercial I wonder why my car needs tits."
"Okay you've ruined this ad for me now."
"Uh-huh. You know you'd put tits on your car."
"Where would I even put them??"
"Are you kidding? You realize the cover in the front is literally called a bra?"
"...how did we end up in this conversation?"
"I'm not even a motorhead and I know what guys mean when they refer to headlights. Come on, babe."
"Even my inner horny teenage boy can't grasp this right now. I'm getting more coffee."
*recording homework for online class* "I liked this commercial, but I would have prefered - and I'm showing my age here - that they had the actor call home to leave a voice message for his dog. On a landline, meaning when you leave your voicemail the machine plays it audibly so it can be heard - fuck, why am I explaining this..."
*struggling to remain quiet in background* pfft -BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
"Ok, redoing that one..."
"It's okay love, nobody believes how old you are anyway!"
"You get tea this morning. No choices. Not unless you buy more coffee filters."
"Ok, so I should buy more coffee filters at the store today?"
"Only if you want to see your friend coffee again."
"Why has this become a hostage situation?"
"We just want what's best for you. Your buddy tea over there, though, I don't know if his caffeine is up to the challenge."
"I'm putting coffee filters on the list, okay?"
"Number two, like the pencil. Capiche?"
"Honey? Help! I can't hold my wine glass and the game controller at the same time!"