confused

im confused on why someone could want someone else out of their life so bad that they wait until they care for you alot more than they did but in the end it was all your fault and you’re thinking that wow i fucked it up again but you take that persons kindness for granted and truth be told i did do but i only realized after she blocked me i think when she realized i destroyed myself for her and when she noticed she tried pushing you away by moving on getting back with her ex but you love her so damn much that i destroyed my future and mental being just for her and when u have cuts on ur knuckles from getting into fights but thats the only pain u want to feel honestly i would rather have physical pain bc through out my life i was abused, bullied, depressed and at a time suicidal but i pushed through it even though i was put through shit i never gave up but i was about to give up bc of her but i thought to myself even after all of this torture i didnt give up i smiled but as soon as ur heart gets broken u give up i thought thats not you you promised ur family and friends to never give up and u sure as hell aint gonna give up now you will keep chasing her i found my queen but i was never given the love of a normal kid i was given the rough and strict and shitty love but me getting mad jealous and sad doesnt mean im a dick it just means it my broken way of loving you you may have not broken me but i sure as hell wont let u think i dont i may have changed but that doesnt mean im the same person just had time with myself to improve myself in my way but im sorry to her i really am i may have lied but i shouldnt have but how cant i when i think ur the best and i wanna be like you

---zack