see through the cracks

"How are you."

"I'm fine, but how are you doing?"

This is how most of the beginning of my conversations go.

Like if I can get off the subject of me fast enough, I won't have to continue lying.

I won't have to explain how I cry myself to sleep every night.

How sometimes, I can't use my most effective coping mechanism because my hands are shaking too much

How my chest is so tight, it feels as if I can't breathe most days.

How I can't make any decision without feeling like I'm making the wrong one and no one will love me anymore because of that

How I'm a burden by just existing

How I constantly have to prove my worth or no one will love me.

How I'm drawn to toxic people because I think they are the only people who could ever want me

How when I see myself in the mirror, the first thing I feel is repulsed.

See if I don't change the subject off of me,

They might see through the cracks of the smile I've plastered onto my face.

They might actually see me.

And that scares me