Behind my Smile
As I sit at my desk smiling
I feel like I’m on a boat going under
It’s sinking, and the only thing I can do is try and keep my head above the water.
I feel the current pulling me.
And I am giving in because I can’t handle the weight of my own body anymore
The water welcomes me in with warm, loving arms
But it’s a trap
The air is ripped from my lungs, and I let out a single tear
Because I know that’s the only thing I can do
She’s pathetic, they’ll say
A real trainwreck
Little do they know behind my smile, I’m sinking
I experience halloween year-round
for years I have been a pumpkin, and everyone has been scraping out my insides
I dress up as a clown every day I put my makeup on and show the world that I have a smile on my face
I put my jester costume on because I aim to please everyone else in my life while slowly falling apart
I mutilate my body as a slaughter victim
All while screaming help me
my future husband
He is perfect
Can you die from smiling too much?
If so, then I should be dead.
Even thinking about his smile makes me smile.
It sparks a light inside of me that I haven't felt before.
It takes away all my loneliness.
It's unapologetically perfect, just like him.
I don't know what I would do if he stopped smiling.
So I spend my days laughing with him.
when he says my name i feel like the only girl in the world
when he sings to me i feel as if i'm home
when he tells me he loves me i cry
i never knew i could feel so happy
until i heard his voice
everytime he looks at me I melt.
i can't breathe.
how can someone look that perfect?
i start feeling dizzy.
this is what love feels like.
my heart races.
can I kiss him forever?
my palms sweat.
he makes me feel alive again.
i close my eyes.
does he know how much I love him?
I think and feel all of this everytime he looks at me. He has no idea what he has done to me.
see through the cracks
"How are you."
"I'm fine, but how are you doing?"
This is how most of the beginning of my conversations go.
Like if I can get off the subject of me fast enough, I won't have to continue lying.
I won't have to explain how I cry myself to sleep every night.
How sometimes, I can't use my most effective coping mechanism because my hands are shaking too much
How my chest is so tight, it feels as if I can't breathe most days.
How I can't make any decision without feeling like I'm making the wrong one and no one will love me anymore because of that
How I'm a burden by just existing
How I constantly have to prove my worth or no one will love me.
How I'm drawn to toxic people because I think they are the only people who could ever want me
How when I see myself in the mirror, the first thing I feel is repulsed.
See if I don't change the subject off of me,
They might see through the cracks of the smile I've plastered onto my face.
They might actually see me.
And that scares me
She is a waste of space.
Or at least that’s what she has been told
In reality, she is a goddess
Long blonde curls
Eyes bluer than the Pacific
Smile that lights up the world
Dimples that are perfectly placed
That’s not what she sees though
She sees how unsymmetrical her face is
She feels the constant back pain
She notices that once again, she can’t hear what someone has said because of her hearing loss
She gets frustrated because she once again cannot read her own words because of her blurry vision
What she doesn’t acknowledge is how
She spends her days helping others
She educates those who cannot educate themselves
She loves those who cannot love themself
And she takes in those who have no one else
All the while, she goes on believing she is a
All I wanted was to feel close to you
All you did was close me out
Why do I stay alive
I stay alive so that someday I may be able to feel happy.
I stay alive so that someday I may be able to feel hope.
I stay alive so that someday I may be able to feel alive.