As I sit at my desk smiling

Yet

I feel like I’m on a boat going under

It’s sinking, and the only thing I can do is try and keep my head above the water.

I feel the current pulling me.

And I am giving in because I can’t handle the weight of my own body anymore

The water welcomes me in with warm, loving arms

But it’s a trap

The air is ripped from my lungs, and I let out a single tear

Because I know that’s the only thing I can do

Cry

She’s pathetic, they’ll say

A real trainwreck

Little do they know behind my smile, I’m sinking

TW: SH

I experience halloween year-round

for years I have been a pumpkin, and everyone has been scraping out my insides

I dress up as a clown every day I put my makeup on and show the world that I have a smile on my face

I put my jester costume on because I aim to please everyone else in my life while slowly falling apart

I mutilate my body as a slaughter victim

All while screaming help me

He is

selfless

kind

beautiful

amazing

my future husband

authentic

loyal

genuine

trustworthy

crazy

a weirdo

irreplaceable

brave

witty

affectionate

adventurous

blue-eyed

enchanting

He is perfect

Can you die from smiling too much?

If so, then I should be dead.

Even thinking about his smile makes me smile.

It sparks a light inside of me that I haven't felt before.

It takes away all my loneliness.

It's unapologetically perfect, just like him.

I don't know what I would do if he stopped smiling.

So I spend my days laughing with him.

when he says my name i feel like the only girl in the world

when he sings to me i feel as if i'm home

when he tells me he loves me i cry

i never knew i could feel so happy

until i heard his voice

i'm caught.

everytime he looks at me I melt.

i can't breathe.

how can someone look that perfect?

i start feeling dizzy.

this is what love feels like.

my heart races.

can I kiss him forever?

my palms sweat.

he makes me feel alive again.

i close my eyes.

does he know how much I love him?

I think and feel all of this everytime he looks at me. He has no idea what he has done to me.

"How are you."

"I'm fine, but how are you doing?"

This is how most of the beginning of my conversations go.

Like if I can get off the subject of me fast enough, I won't have to continue lying.

I won't have to explain how I cry myself to sleep every night.

How sometimes, I can't use my most effective coping mechanism because my hands are shaking too much

How my chest is so tight, it feels as if I can't breathe most days.

How I can't make any decision without feeling like I'm making the wrong one and no one will love me anymore because of that

How I'm a burden by just existing

How I constantly have to prove my worth or no one will love me.

How I'm drawn to toxic people because I think they are the only people who could ever want me

How when I see myself in the mirror, the first thing I feel is repulsed.

See if I don't change the subject off of me,

They might see through the cracks of the smile I've plastered onto my face.

They might actually see me.

And that scares me

She is a waste of space.

A burden

Or at least that’s what she has been told

In reality, she is a goddess

Hourglass figure

5′2

Clear skin

Long blonde curls

Eyes bluer than the Pacific

Smile that lights up the world

Dimples that are perfectly placed

That’s not what she sees though

She sees how unsymmetrical her face is

She feels the constant back pain

She notices that once again, she can’t hear what someone has said because of her hearing loss

She gets frustrated because she once again cannot read her own words because of her blurry vision

What she doesn’t acknowledge is how

She spends her days helping others

She educates those who cannot educate themselves

She loves those who cannot love themself

And she takes in those who have no one else

All the while, she goes on believing she is a

~mistake~

I stay alive so that someday I may be able to feel happy.

~

I stay alive so that someday I may be able to feel hope.

~

I stay alive so that someday I may be able to feel alive.