Look at the Stars

Abruptly awakening, Azora sat up, desperately searching beside her. It had been almost an entire year, 321 days since… Her searching was useless. The bed was cold and she was alone. Bringing her knees to her chest, Azora hugged herself as tears began to fill her eyes. It was just another night…

Another night that she wished things could be different, that she didn’t feel so alone. Even Elaria could do nothing to help her to feel welcomed, at home, and no one could make Azora feel loved. She didn’t deserve it. 

So here she was again, waking during the dark hours of the morning as she did every night. She’d cry herself to sleep and then the sun would say hello before saying goodbye as casually and thoughtlessly as it rose in the morning. It didn’t care that as each day passed Azora preferred her nightmares more and more to reality. It didn’t care that each day made the distance further and further from him.

She missed him. She missed him so much, but Azora needed to get used to this. Ash deserved better, not the monster she was, vile and maimed. Loneliness was all that Azora deserved… all that she was meant to have. 

When her tears finally were under some control, Azora slipped on a coat and some boots, nearly crying in frustration when her foot didn’t immediately fit into the shoe. Stepping throughout the house as quietly as possible, she silently cried as she exited out the back door. The air was chill even in the summer night and Azora wrapped the coat more tightly around her. She missed the desert heat, she missed the warmth… Hastily wiping a stray tear, she folded her arms and began to slowly walk across the property, always keeping her eyes on the floor as she aimlessly wandered.

Typically Azora stayed in bed until she entered her nightmares again, desperate to return. But she didn’t feel like pulling at her hair tonight, or biting her lip until she tasted blood… digging her nails into her palms until her fingers were slick. She didn’t want Elaria to need to patch her up again. It was the only sign Azora ever showed that she was hurting. As far as the rest of the world knew, Azora was kind, she was innocent, and she was happy. But Azora knew none of those were true.

The sound of water washing up the shore caught her attention and Azora looked up. Across the lake, the surface was made of glass, reflecting the stars beautifully. Azora crumbled, hugging the ground below as she curled into herself and cried. For the first time in several months, her cries had a sound. She hated the sounds coming from her mouth, wanting to stop, desperate to not wake anyone. She couldn’t wake anyone. She couldn’t be found like this.

Without words, Azora cursed the stars. 

From the time she left him, she couldn’t bear to look up at the night sky, averting her gaze from the moon and stars or sleeping under trees to block the view. The stars tormented her. They were the same stars she would admire with him. The same stars that she would see reflected in his eyes. Ash loved the stars as much as she once did, but now Azora couldn’t stand to look at them. They gave her no peace as they once provided, no joy, no love…  All she saw when she looked at them was loneliness.