september night, hours frozen

i drown my reflection in a lake

without rippling the black surface

for i have run out of escapes.

my reflection floats into a curse

with no human heart weighing it down.

the face of a mannequin

disappears as soon as i blink.

my skin peels off in liquid dreams.

step into the void, and i knew

i had drowned the wrong reflection

but i have run out of escapees.

i fold into the lake, the underside

of my conscience is scraped.

shredded lungs, spilling cold ink

but i am breathing for the first time.

the waters were knocked-over pallets

stolen paints from northern skies.

open my throat, dishevel in silence

i run out of escapes and into life.

my body casts no shadow in the water

for the lake held hostage, tightly

the color of your colorless eyes

and i am drowning without metaphor.

- deathetix

Dear dad,

my smiles got frozen

cause you aren't here

to tickle my fantasy

Miss you.

#ajrfanz

the house is quiet

a prison with glorified walls

thoughts magnified

pacing the stairs

the creaking steps

looking out the window

waiting for an

unspecified return

of someone

who traces the line

between hate and love

if a spark loses to the darkness

did it ever even burn?

Nobody does alone better.

I wear both halves of friendship charms,

tell waiters “table for one, please,”

poor two glasses of wine for both me and myself,

play both sides of the chess board,

and keep stock photos in frames.

I watch all of my movies alone in the dark.

Romances are better when seen by yourself.

I cook half Mac and cheese boxes,

make lasagna in 4 x 6 inch pans,

yet buy ice cream by the gallon.

I mailed myself a birthday card

and gave myself $10.

“Hey siri, play me breathing sounds”

and “Siri tell me jokes”

I’ve bought cologne just for my hoodies, and I’ve practiced kissing on my hand.

If they didn’t come with me, I’d only have one arm, one hand, one leg, one eye.

Alone and I have gotten, now, to be the best of friends.

Some say you only feel loneliness when you are all alone.

This is not entirely true.

Yes, you can feel lonely when you are in a room by yourself, or when you are at a party but don't know anyone there, so you are sitting alone in the corner.

But I feel the most alone when I am in a group of people who I have know my whole life, but they don't really know me.

Or maybe they do, but they don't really see me.

I may be sitting on the same couch with five friends and my family, but I feel completely alone.

Unheard.

Unseen.

Unloved.

Because sure, maybe these people like me, but we all know none of them respect or love me.

And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

A room of people you've known since birth, but none of them actually want you there.

I’m never alone .

Be it demons in my head ,

Monsters under my bed ,

They always accompany me ,

asleep or awake .

I named one of them ” Ensan ”

Another ” Bethani ”

One ” Sakeih ”

Ah...I forgot the twins...

” LinMei & LunMai ”

That one hasn’t visited me in awhile...

I wonder where they went .

Am I crazy?

.

no...

I feel most alone when they are not there .

See , they were my friends ,

before I knew what the word meant .

How odd .

.

right ?

Rather than the warmth ,

of a normal human hand ,

I felt more comfort ,

more at ease ,

with a hand I could never touch ,

only see .

Maybe it’s because they never talked ,

just like me . . .

Their eyes ,

always had such a sad , angry shine to them .

They felt outcasted ,

decieved .

Maybe they needed a friend ,

just like me . . .

Their hands were always so cold ,

but ,

strangely enough ,

they emmitted warmth .

A cold warmth .

Maybe they needed a hand to hold ,

just like me . . .

They were always beside me ,

behind me ,

on top of me .

Sometimes , they were me .

Maybe they were lonely ,

just like me. . .

Sadly ,

they left me .

One by one .

back when I was seven .

Ensan was the last to leave .

(Please...)

.

hi

Looking back now ,

I realise why they left .

I was slowly being surrounded ,

with more and more humans ,

all of similar age .

(Who are.. .you?)

.

hi

I guess they thought I didn’t need them anymore .

.

.

.

I guess I thought I didn’t need them anymore .

First it became seconds ,

when I couldn’t see them .

Then it became minutes .

Then hours .

Turned to months .

And finally years .

It came to a point where I thought ,

when I actually thought

they weren’t real anymore .

Honestly ,

real to you ,

it may never seem .

But real to me ,

shall they always be .

The emotions they conveyed ,

not through words ,

but by actions alone .

(.. .hello?)

hi

You could see their words .

friends ?

You could taste them at times .

Metallic.

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

The clock striked nine

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

We are your disguise

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

Do you want to die

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

Spread your wings and fly

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

Ensan

Bethani

Sakeih

LinMei

LunMai

.

.

.

.

.

.

Join me in my mind?

( .. .hi.. . )

eating lunch with a friend

chewing slowly on cafeteria food

while she talks about our latest project.

all i want to do

is sit in the library and type

but the library is closed

so she drags me to the bleachers in the gym

and i can't escape her.

i'm not exactly an introvert,

and if you get me going

i'll talk for hours.

but i just don't want

to be around her,

because when i am,

i feel lonely,

because to her,

everything i do is trash

and yet she calls herself my friend

because unlike me,

she has the crushing desire to

never be alone.

whereas i am the opposite,

always wishing for solitude.

i guess opposites attract,

but now i just wish i could

switch myself around

and repel away from her

magnetic field.

Loneliness is hard to explain. Sadness and depression definitely play their part, but there's more to it than that. It's almost as if you go from fading into the background. To becoming the ground, like you are joining the rocks or trees and watching everyone else move forward with their lives. While you are stuck in the same spot physically unable to

join everyone else in living out your life.

The longer you stay in this pit of loneliness. The harder it is to find the strength to pull yourself out of it. Or even decide if you want to leave it at all. Unable to escape this feeling that there is something wrong, but never able to effectively communicate your feelings to others.

They look at you with a confused look. Saying, "What are you talking about? I'm right here. You have so many friends. People would kill to be in your shoes." Yet, they never understand, because they are either unable to understand the abyss that is inside of you. Or they are just too scared to gaze into the abyss.

You think your life has hit a bump in the road

As You look around to see, nobody is home

Tears lost meaning many cries ago

Not that they need it,

They fall on their own

Happy Traces of smiles at old watering holes

Too soon to leave, away they go

Another tear arrives but remains unshown

You know the reason for pains undertone

Many faces you’ve met

And still you’re all alone

As your hand remains outstretched

Hoping for a someone that’s meant

And as Tears become counterfeit

you begin to speak to the one you’ve got left

I see you, and I won’t forget

I’ll make many Prayers and won’t relent

for you who found solace so deep in your head

There is something behind me

There is something behind me

I can feel its breath on my neck

Its fingers tickle my spine

A blade or a gun? What's it gonna be?

Which should I choose?

Oh,

wait,

that's just the wall.

Even if there was something behind me

What would I do?

How loud would I have to scream?

How fast can I run?

I locked the door, I won't open it fast enough

I'm too far away

From the door, from the world

Crash!

What was that?!

Oh,

wait,

that was just the TV

Why did I turn it up so high?

And as I feel what's not there

And hear what doesn't speak

And see what my mind should not seek

I know all I have to do

Is get off the couch and walk to the door

The world waits outside

Bright and loud

But I remain sitted

And I walk sideways

So I can see all sides, but my back still remains unwatched

And I'm alone in so many ways

And I still jump at every sound

All I have to do is walk out

But I don't

I chose to be lonely

But I hate this loneliness

But I can't change it

Afterall, I chose to be lonely.

The demage has already been done

I will carry the paranoia to the grave

When they asked what I wanted

Lonely was the answer I gave

And now I will never get the chance to be brave.

This is how my life started

And this is how it will end

What's that smell?

I swear, someone just set my house on fire

They are trying to set me ablaze!!

Oh, wait, that's just my food burning.