I don't want to fit in

With the mighty

And the small people

I don't want to fit in

With the pretty

And the ugly people

I don't want to fit in

With the happy

And the sad people

I don't want to fit in

With the privileged

And the poor people

I don't want to fit in

With the loners

And the famous people

I don't want to fit in

With the norms

And the inherited rules

Heard, unheard

Seen, unseen

Deserved, underserved

I don't want to fit in

With the hellish

And the paradise people

I don't to want fit in

I want to hold that space

In between

I don't want to fit in

I want to fade into that space

Between heaven and beyond

I don't want to fit in

I want to be

Like I never existed

I don't want to fit in

I want to go home

Where none of us ever happened.

Some times

All I want to do

Is nothing

My head

hurts

My mind

Is empty

My heart

Is silent

My throat

Hurts

My eyes

Droop

My body

Won't sleep

My lungs

Won't breathe

My stomach

Hungers

My mouth

Won't eat

My tongue

Is tied

My lips

Are chapped

There's a lump

In my throat

My eyes

Won't cry

My mouth

Won't speak

My voice

Is so loud

In my head

A l o n e

My soul

Is screaming

Unheard

L o s t

Everything hurts

Nothing hurts

I can't breathe

I a m a m e s s

I a m s o t i r e d

It is such a shame

That their hearts will never feel this full

Their veins will never tingle from this much love

Their ears will never hear the whispered letters of the Promise

Their noses will never catch this breath of fresh air, tinged with the sweetest and greatest of powers

Their eyes will never see the hope which beckons the miracles ahead

Their brains will never comprehend just how this universe was CREATED, and not a coincidence

Their minds will never be sated, utterly dependent on a Higher Power

They will get lost in their worries, amidst their demons

Their hearts void and veins, poisoned

Eternally, they will fear the roar of the flames

Shed scalding tears as they burn

Choke on the pungent smell of their disbelief

Feel very very small in a very very big world

Blinded by the lies their unfeeling hands and small minds have created

Their souls will rejoice as they leave such tainted bodies

But they will be the one to suffer

They will beg,

noisily, they will wish

Bitterly, they will regret

The souls, not the bodies

As they themselves are the sinners

But they will not be saved

As these are the consequences

Of their small minds, and they

Will pay, for a time that feels eternal

But is not, because He

Is Merciful and he will forgive

eventually

It is amazing

How badly one heart can hurt

I feel like there is no way forward

That there's nothing at all

My future feels so far away

Yet so close that I can feel

Every passing second

Of this impending doom

And when they ask me if I'm okay

I nod because what else can I say?

They can't understand

Because they are the reason

I feel this weight

A stack of worthlessness

And despair laid upon

a bed of broken dreams

I want to take it off

Drown it all

In whatever numbing substance I can find

Because my other option is worse

I think it but I'm too much of a coward

And I also believe in God

And in Hell

& in everything that can take me there

Now I understand

Why people without Faith

Find it so easy

To end it all.

I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be with people either

I just want to be with places

In places

with the memories that have been made

And the possibilities that still remain there

I just want to see the world

It's huge, isn't it?

The world?

It's the best feeling, isn't it?

To stand outside and look in?

So many people, I wonder what their stories are

I could walk and run, collecting them all

So many beautiful places, I could never see them all in one lifetime

But I could chase time like I hope to catch it

That sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

And maybe it's cowardly too

To stand outside and look in?

I never have to think about myself

So many people, why would one matter?

Maybe to you it might not be a life worth living

To never stay in one place long enough

To find love, build friendships, make families

Have babies, hate jobs, love money, know hurt

But that sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Yes, it does

It sounds like

.........................Freedom

Except this world that I hope to see

It's built on paper, on money

I spread my wings, One flight

and I'm collapsing under the weight of expenses

.

.

.

.

.

.

Freedom is a mirage.

If I'm useless

Why am I so tired?

If it was meaningless

Why am I caught in the fire

Of my not being selfless?

If I won't go far

Where's this place I've reached?

If we don't belong with the stars

What's the point of the pain we breached

Only to end up as scars?

If I don't know much

What are these things I know?

If you don't miss my touch

Why can you not grow

Out of this hatred you clutch?

If I will never know love

What were those promises in your eyes?

If you haven't known love

What's the point of these hurtful lies?

........

I made a mistake

I hurt you

I'm sorry

Don't be afraid

I love you.

He meant nothing.

I s w e a r

When I think about all the movies that made me cry

The fault in our stars, the in between

I want to love, and live like the people in them

And why should you call me a dreamer, and a fool

Is it anymore a fool's imagination than the God some believe in, and the same one some don't?

Is it anymore a dream than the infinity we use to describe miracles we can neither see nor prove?

Is it any less real because it's fiction?

When I think about lying underneath the sky

The galaxies, the light, the stars and clouds entwined

And see not the constellations some people claim

Are they any less real because I neither see nor believe them?

Are they any more fiction than miracles I believe unreal?

Is this life not no one's guess?

Is this poem not a complete mess?

You do a good job making me forget

how unkind you can be most times

all the manipulative little traps you set

how I wish I wasn't yours most times

broken and I can't

understand why I believe the words that come out your mouth everytime.

But I can't be yours, I swear I can't

You gave me life but I don't owe you anything

do I?

No, it's your job to care

but then I also don't wanna feel like a duty

no I don't

I want you to do it all cause you care

love me because you want

and not because you are the reason

I was born.

You do a good job making me forget

what you become when you don't get

all the things that you want

that you are the reason a part of me is broken and I can't

believe what a damn liar you are

and why I fall for it everytime.

But I can't be that again, I swear I can't

You can tell me lies but I don't have to believe them

do I?

No, it's not your job to care

but then I don't really believe

that you'll care at all if it weren't a duty

no I don't

I don't want you to do anything at all

don't care, don't love even if you want

because you are so damn toxic and make me wish I was never born.

I need to know that true love exists

that when I grow just a bit older than I am now

I can find my person

and he will complete me

love me,

make me feel alive

infinite

just like the stories say.