I'm not okay.

I could love you.

I love you.

I hate this.

I don't trust myself.

I'm sorry.

You're broken, but not the same way I am.

People scare me

People scare me because

there's always a part of us

ready to listen to and follow through with evil

People scare me because

people talk

even when they don't listen

People scare me because

people try to empathize

when they should only listen

People scare me because

people try to understand

when they couldn't possibly ever get it

People scare me because

people listen

then make you a cautionary tale or an example

People scare me

so when I'm lost

I crawl into my head because

better the devil you know

right?

In my head,

I turn to music

and poetry

I turn to that other part of me

that wants to heal

and I speak to her

like I would speak to people.

I'm trying

I am

But these mindless conversations

somehow

they tear me apart

split me open

and forget to put me back together

this emptiness

this....this

feeling of being

unloved

no...

unknown

no one wants to know

what's my favorite memory

am I happy?

am I sad?

why?

do I love myself?

do I love you?

did you miss me?

Or did you not even notice I was gone

If I died, would you cry?

Or would you be glad to move on?

why am I trying to rhyme now?

God, why am I either too much

or not enough?

And I'm writing this across from you

I feel the urge to share it

God, why am I always so afraid?

Am I not letting you in

Or am I just not being asked to?

I don't want to fit in

With the mighty

And the small people

I don't want to fit in

With the pretty

And the ugly people

I don't want to fit in

With the happy

And the sad people

I don't want to fit in

With the privileged

And the poor people

I don't want to fit in

With the loners

And the famous people

I don't want to fit in

With the norms

And the inherited rules

Heard, unheard

Seen, unseen

Deserved, underserved

I don't want to fit in

With the hellish

And the paradise people

I don't to want fit in

I want to hold that space

In between

I don't want to fit in

I want to fade into that space

Between heaven and beyond

I don't want to fit in

I want to be

Like I never existed

I don't want to fit in

I want to go home

Where none of us ever happened.

Some times

All I want to do

Is nothing

My head

hurts

My mind

Is empty

My heart

Is silent

My throat

Hurts

My eyes

Droop

My body

Won't sleep

My lungs

Won't breathe

My stomach

Hungers

My mouth

Won't eat

My tongue

Is tied

My lips

Are chapped

There's a lump

In my throat

My eyes

Won't cry

My mouth

Won't speak

My voice

Is so loud

In my head

A l o n e

My soul

Is screaming

Unheard

L o s t

Everything hurts

Nothing hurts

I can't breathe

I a m a m e s s

I a m s o t i r e d

It is such a shame

That their hearts will never feel this full

Their veins will never tingle from this much love

Their ears will never hear the whispered letters of the Promise

Their noses will never catch this breath of fresh air, tinged with the sweetest and greatest of powers

Their eyes will never see the hope which beckons the miracles ahead

Their brains will never comprehend just how this universe was CREATED, and not a coincidence

Their minds will never be sated, utterly dependent on a Higher Power

They will get lost in their worries, amidst their demons

Their hearts void and veins, poisoned

Eternally, they will fear the roar of the flames

Shed scalding tears as they burn

Choke on the pungent smell of their disbelief

Feel very very small in a very very big world

Blinded by the lies their unfeeling hands and small minds have created

Their souls will rejoice as they leave such tainted bodies

But they will be the one to suffer

They will beg,

noisily, they will wish

Bitterly, they will regret

The souls, not the bodies

As they themselves are the sinners

But they will not be saved

As these are the consequences

Of their small minds, and they

Will pay, for a time that feels eternal

But is not, because He

Is Merciful and he will forgive

eventually

It is amazing

How badly one heart can hurt

I feel like there is no way forward

That there's nothing at all

My future feels so far away

Yet so close that I can feel

Every passing second

Of this impending doom

And when they ask me if I'm okay

I nod because what else can I say?

They can't understand

Because they are the reason

I feel this weight

A stack of worthlessness

And despair laid upon

a bed of broken dreams

I want to take it off

Drown it all

In whatever numbing substance I can find

Because my other option is worse

I think it but I'm too much of a coward

And I also believe in God

And in Hell

& in everything that can take me there

Now I understand

Why people without Faith

Find it so easy

To end it all.

I don't want to be alone

I don't want to be with people either

I just want to be with places

In places

with the memories that have been made

And the possibilities that still remain there

I just want to see the world

It's huge, isn't it?

The world?

It's the best feeling, isn't it?

To stand outside and look in?

So many people, I wonder what their stories are

I could walk and run, collecting them all

So many beautiful places, I could never see them all in one lifetime

But I could chase time like I hope to catch it

That sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

And maybe it's cowardly too

To stand outside and look in?

I never have to think about myself

So many people, why would one matter?

Maybe to you it might not be a life worth living

To never stay in one place long enough

To find love, build friendships, make families

Have babies, hate jobs, love money, know hurt

But that sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Yes, it does

It sounds like

.........................Freedom

Except this world that I hope to see

It's built on paper, on money

I spread my wings, One flight

and I'm collapsing under the weight of expenses

.

.

.

.

.

.

Freedom is a mirage.