I See Orange
I took the orange pills. In a Simpson's episode, the grandfather figure said they keep you from screaming. I did that in my sleep last night, transforming into someone the old me wouldn't recognize.
I'm in the hospital. Or, I was - not right now, and never in any lucid sense. I was 51/50'd, which the fancy word for saying, there's a cuckoo clock in your head in place of a brain. The old me perhaps wanted to burst out of time itself, and that's why I transformed. I saw the color red as a means to an end, when I was hurting, but in the hospital, everything is stale white, like my heritage and the color of a blank page of writing, where you say everything you don't mean.
They don't allow cell phones in this particular segment of the hospital, so when the nurse said I had a phone call, I got out of bed and hobbled over to the pay phone wall that consumes the front entrance of this man-made hell hole.
My sister's voice was breathy. This was the second my transformation happened. We had just had a huge fight and she was supposed to be pissed - I mean, right? I had blown up at her big party, the one where she gets married.
The breathiness of her voice was followed by a string of words that made my skin burst out of the cocoon of self-preservation I had carefully crafted for myself up until that moment. It was unreal: she said, "There's still room in California for both of us!" "I can't kick you out of the state!"
Up until that moment, I had never died while still alive. This is important because, I think, dear reader, you have never experienced this moment. Imagine your favorite person - the one you love the most - tells you to f*ck off, forever. I went back to my cold hospital cot and thought about how, in my dire moment of being 51/50'd, I had not been in anywhere near this much pain.
This is where you've stopped reading, or want to. There's nothing in this for you. I think, from what I've learned in this life, is that we so seldom relate to other people on the level we hope to.
Here's something you can understand: the click of the line as she hung up. Heartache tears you up from the inside, and the feeling of being gone from her life forever felt as real as the blood pumping into my ears and down my spine, on its way back to what it thinks is home.
The next morning, as I walked home from the hospital, I texted her. Hey, I said. I'm home. She didn't respond. She never would in the same way again.
I think rebirth is shedding all the lining of your old self - like a fur coat that has to be refurbished, with sleeker lining that no one can tell is fake. My personality had just gone through an overhaul, every inch as synthetic. I had slept for two days straight after our phone call. Isn't it funny, how sleeping makes us miss exactly what we intend to miss.
But was it fake, this transformation?
I think arriving home after a stay in the hospital is surreal. Here's this place you lived in before, in the before-times. Now, I looked around and thought about my sanity, how someone once said, "If you don't take care of your mind, where will you live?"
My sister still hasn't forgiven me. But maybe that's not the world the new me is living in. Maybe my transformation, though through the looking glass and down a pay phone cord into the sound of her disappointment, was just for me, so I could come home to the safety net of a brain running on orange pills.
DOA DNA
*This is technically a repost of an old & buried piece, so if that doesn't qualify for this challenge no worries
The world drags you down
with tightly packed cubes
made of sugar or offices
but either way, you lose
Long ago it was easy
to run under the sky
hunting, foraging, moving
just trying to get by
You feel that it’s wrong
but can’t move with the weight
they’ve spoonfed your brain
and stacked up your plate
Madness some call it
Madness some say
When you can’t fight the future
You only live for today
Then depression sets in
and surrounds you in waves
your friends are all sinking
you can’t roll any saves
One by one they give in
to the pills or the dark
but within you it burns
that small, little spark
Never it whispers
Not you it roars
If you can’t feel happy
Then I’ll make you soar
Madness some call it
Madness some say
When your mind’s had enough
And it goes its own way
Soon all your thoughts race
through the once empty halls
they tug at your strings
and smash at your walls
You’re drunk on your ego
a wolf among sheep
you can do all you want
except go to sleep
The ride feels so good
when you’re nearing the top
but much like a train
all this crazy must stop
Madness some call it
Madness some say
When you realize you’ve lost
More than just your own way
You clean up your act
you lift and you jog
you start eating veggies
you find a new job
You balance your diet
along with your mood
healthy mind, healthy body
but you’re just being shrewd
For inside you it sleeps
the beast is alive
if you fall in despair
it will make you survive
Madness some call it
Madness some say
But for you it’s a safeguard
Of your ancient DNA
Affirmation
As I lay me down to sleep
I ask God me safe to keep
The childish prayer is not enough
My mind is sly but not real tough
And as I rest upon my pillow
I tell myself to become more mellow
Relax and count the blessings fine
Recount them all in a long, long line
My memory is sweet
It cannot be beat
Sisters chosen, give me support
Lonesome sadness they do thwart
I have food and sturdy shelter
Life continues, it does not falter
And joy within a constant thing
As words written with verve do sing
In gratitude I fade to night
All is well, all is right
And in the morn, I do wake
Alive to face life's new stake
Tomorrow is another day to listen to Taylor Swift's songs, this is the phrase that works for me, it might come out weird or hilarious to some people, but for me? I took it seriously. We never know what tomorrow could bring us, it could be good, bad, sad or anything, but knowing that makes life cool, at least for me. Tomorrow will be a great day, another phrase that just makes me felt better on a hard day, it gives lots of comfort. It gives this reassurance to myself about the next day and there is the day where I knew how the next day would be especially after I did something wrong. I knew it will be bad, but bad day is not a bad life. It is what human goes through, it is normal to have these bad and good days, it will make you felt much more responsible in your own life. You will be feeling better about yourself tomorrow, everything will past eventually, these are my high school teacher words and I will forever be grateful to her for this. Life was not meant to treat you good every time, but once it gave you the great day to live on, that is when you found all the beauties in life, the nature, the buildings and people. If today was a great day for you, cherished it, it is not easy to obtained that but you have work hard to enjoy that. I would like to quote You're on Your Own Now, the line 'Everything you lose is a step you take' and it is fine to lose that whether it is your friends, partner or things or anything at all, it is fine, it will get better, tomorrow? It will be a great day.
Public Display of Affection
They stood in that grocery store aisle, heads together, pretending to read beef jerky labels, of all things. No, this has added sugar. Nope, molasses in this one. Wait-- damn. Brown sugar.
In truth, they were more acutely aware of the blistering nearness, one to the other. The magnetism pulsed. It ached and burned like nothing else. Here they were, venturing out for food, though even that seemed a faint and distant need, a bothersome obligation. Even in the midst of searching out needed nourishment, they could not keep their hands off of one another.
Before he knew it, his arms encircled her and as if by reflex, his lips sought hers. They kissed deeply, eagerly, unaware of their fellow shoppers milling about. This hunger was definitely the more pressing need, locale be damned.
They were also now blocking the entire narrow aisle with their ardent and spontaneous display of public affection.
A middle-aged woman loudly barked, "Get a room!"
To which the female broke the kiss, blushed and moved aside, out of the way. The heckler pushed her cart slowly by and stated more gently to the embarrassed female, "Have fun." Her head motioning to her extremely handsome mate, winking and nodding her approval.
Together, the lovers moved on, hand-in-hand, chuckling to each other, conspiratorially.
Little did anyone know, they DID in fact have a room nearby. No one else could possibly imagine the depths of love they shared there, privately, with all barriers removed.
They doubted any two other people had ever loved as they did. And they'd be correct in their bold assumption. Those two were anomalies of the best possible kind.
chrysalis
Well experienced, I am
Entering the kind chrysalis of sleep
To emerge with new wings tomorrow.
Affirmation
"I am grateful for this day and all that it has brought. I am excited to see what tomorrow will bring."
I made an angel smile
We walked through the woods
The afternoon sun filtered through the redwoods
Shadows danced on the lush ferns
His response had startled me
I must have made some utterance
For the life of me, I cannot even remember what
Did I actually say something to cause THAT smile to splash across his beautific face?
For his musical laughter to erupt so spontaneously?
I blushed, enthralled to be interacting with him
So fluidly
So effortlessly
We both glance at a rotting log near the dirt path
Our eyes meet and without exchanging a single word
We smile
He squeezes my hand
My God, he is real
He is breathtaking
Only a few stolen hours
It's all we had
But it felt like heaven on earth
I Pray
I start with thank you
and then think of every miracle around me
and mention them by name
then I ask
for protection, health and God’s will
as I mentally name those still living in my family tree
then I work my way
through friends neighbors leaders
those in power and pain
in the whole wide world
ending with the prayer of Aaron
bless me
keep me
make your face shine upon me
be gracious to me
and most of all
send me peace.
Where Past and Future Meet
My end-of-day affirmation:
The future is just as much a part of my life as my past; press on.