If I were without my problems who would I be?

All these problems play their role in me being me.

Although, not all of my problems seem fair

These problems of mine are my cross to bare

May they be mental, physical or emotionally earned

Within these problems are lessons I have learned

without any and all of problems I wouldn't be me.

So without my problems who would I be?

Everyone

is good

at something...

the key

and

the difficulty

is discovering

what

that thing

is.

Thus,

the real

superpower

is

the sticktoitiveness

required

to get to that place

while

you don't know where

you're going

or if

you'll ever get there...

till

you do.

Perfection donned human skin,

and played

the violin.

People cheered

in a daze

But never figure what the song says.

A smile of a thousand stars.

Enthralled hearts kept in jars.

Her greatest fear long gone;

Who fears failure if they're never wrong?

Perfection donned human lungs

And spoke

in human tongues.

Issues solved

with her voice,

Though those who listened seldom had choice.

A smile of a thousand stars.

Enthralled hearts kept in jars.

Her greatest fear long gone;

Who fears failure if they're never wrong?

Perfection donned human head,

but with

kind thoughts instead.

And smart ones

filled her too.

How could someone be so wise and true?

A smile of a thousand stars.

Enthralled hearts kept in jars.

Her greatest fear long gone;

Who fears failure if they're never wrong?

Perfection donned human brain

and soon

felt disdain.

"How," she wailed,

"Can this be?

Without success, who could value me?"

A s̶m̶i̶l̶e̶ of a thousand stars.

Enthralled h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶s̶ kept in jars.

Her greatest fear l̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶g̶o̶n̶e̶;

Who fears failure if they're n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ wrong?

P̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ donned human heart.

Slowly

rose to restart.

Smiled behind

tearstained eyes.

Prospect of perfection: naught but lies.

A smile of a misty sky,

with loved ones by her side.

She'd always fear failure.

But everyone makes mistakes, see?

So it's okay.

The God given

head start

that the Hare

had wasted

and the Tortoise

worked for.

Here I sit

Edge of the Earth

Dry holes where life once was

Feet hanging off the edge of existence

I look at the barren land.

Which once housed greenery and growth

Gray and brown and sad

Death of our own doing

Lack of vital resources

Rough scraping movement of my parched tongue

Scaly lips beg for the slightest hydration

Our hope too far strained to be healed

The world around me crippled by desertification.

Why wait to witness the inevitable end?

You tell me no

But your texts said yes

How dare you

You yelled out I'm not worthy

But you messaged me how great I am

How dare you

You laughed at me with all your friends

But you told me that you loved me

How dare you

You play your silly little games

But I'm the one laughing now

I put the car in park

Deep breath

I can do this

Practice smile

I can do this

Try out laughing

I can do this

Watch myself in the visor mirror

I can do this

I enter

Smile

Laugh

Nod

No one turns to me

No one asks

No one encourages

I pretend to be one of them

But I'm invisible

I return to my car

I cannot do this

I sat there, tainted.

An image in my mind,

that I couldn't get out no matter how much I tried.

Her blue eyes and plump lips,

dark hair and straight teeth.

"Ew"

She mouthed the words,

I knew them before I heard them.

I'd heard them enough times before,

I just never thought they'd be from her.

"Ew"

The word keeps replaying in my head

like a tape recorder stuck on repeat.

"Ew"

That describes me

What she thought of me

What I thought of her didn’t matter

It didn’t matter

if I thought her eyes were beautiful,

if her laugh was my favorite sound,

if her cheeky comments made my day,

Or if her slight blush would make me crumble if it was ever directed my way.

It didn’t matter if I’d smile everytime our fingers touched,

Or lie to her about my grade just to make her feel better.

It didn’t matter,

Because to her,

I was just an “Ew”

This is scary. My mind is a scary place. I lay next to my husband right now, I'm 18 years old, and I met him 7 months ago. I got married 4 months ago- I've been married to Evan longer than we knew each other before we got married. I wrote a song but am a little afraid of showing it to people because what if I just want attention? It's called "Your Closeness" by me of course. It's about the Holy Spirit. Yes, I'm religious, as other people call it, but I know it as a relationship between me and my Abba in heaven. And Jesus. And the Spirit inside of me. The bracelet on my wrist says "Trust in His love". I've been wearing it for over a year, since my second round of eating disorder treatment at a residential center in Texas. Cypress, TX- Center for Discovery. It was a 15,000 sq foot house! My life isn't tragic, but it has been crazy for me being on this earth for just 18 years. Well I'm turning 19 on the 19th of next month. I wonder why there's a bird with cherry blossoms on the bottom of my laptop screen. Anyway... where was I? I used to struggle with anxiety as a little girl, then depression for my teenage years until now. Hey I just realized this birthday is my "golden" one! Did you know I can touch my tongue to my nose? Uh huh! Impressive, right? So, again, anyways- let me be clear- I'm not crazy. I don't think so at least. I mean it is 11:19 at night so maybe I'm a bit sleepy. Yeah, I am. That pretty much empties out my brain for now, see you again in 10 seconds.

I pondered the question for hours

How should I bring it up?

When was the best time?

You were speaking so obviously not then

What if you were busy?

What if you said yes, but truly meant no?

I would look like a fool.

I´m tired of walking on eggshells

I run and take the leap

I look like a fool.

I should not have asked.