I took the orange pills. In a Simpson's episode, the grandfather figure said they keep you from screaming. I did that in my sleep last night, transforming into someone the old me wouldn't recognize.

I'm in the hospital. Or, I was - not right now, and never in any lucid sense. I was 51/50'd, which the fancy word for saying, there's a cuckoo clock in your head in place of a brain. The old me perhaps wanted to burst out of time itself, and that's why I transformed. I saw the color red as a means to an end, when I was hurting, but in the hospital, everything is stale white, like my heritage and the color of a blank page of writing, where you say everything you don't mean.

They don't allow cell phones in this particular segment of the hospital, so when the nurse said I had a phone call, I got out of bed and hobbled over to the pay phone wall that consumes the front entrance of this man-made hell hole.

My sister's voice was breathy. This was the second my transformation happened. We had just had a huge fight and she was supposed to be pissed - I mean, right? I had blown up at her big party, the one where she gets married.

The breathiness of her voice was followed by a string of words that made my skin burst out of the cocoon of self-preservation I had carefully crafted for myself up until that moment. It was unreal: she said, "There's still room in California for both of us!" "I can't kick you out of the state!"

Up until that moment, I had never died while still alive. This is important because, I think, dear reader, you have never experienced this moment. Imagine your favorite person - the one you love the most - tells you to f*ck off, forever. I went back to my cold hospital cot and thought about how, in my dire moment of being 51/50'd, I had not been in anywhere near this much pain.

This is where you've stopped reading, or want to. There's nothing in this for you. I think, from what I've learned in this life, is that we so seldom relate to other people on the level we hope to.

Here's something you can understand: the click of the line as she hung up. Heartache tears you up from the inside, and the feeling of being gone from her life forever felt as real as the blood pumping into my ears and down my spine, on its way back to what it thinks is home.

The next morning, as I walked home from the hospital, I texted her. Hey, I said. I'm home. She didn't respond. She never would in the same way again.

I think rebirth is shedding all the lining of your old self - like a fur coat that has to be refurbished, with sleeker lining that no one can tell is fake. My personality had just gone through an overhaul, every inch as synthetic. I had slept for two days straight after our phone call. Isn't it funny, how sleeping makes us miss exactly what we intend to miss.

But was it fake, this transformation?

I think arriving home after a stay in the hospital is surreal. Here's this place you lived in before, in the before-times. Now, I looked around and thought about my sanity, how someone once said, "If you don't take care of your mind, where will you live?"

My sister still hasn't forgiven me. But maybe that's not the world the new me is living in. Maybe my transformation, though through the looking glass and down a pay phone cord into the sound of her disappointment, was just for me, so I could come home to the safety net of a brain running on orange pills.

*This is technically a repost of an old & buried piece, so if that doesn't qualify for this challenge no worries

The world drags you down

with tightly packed cubes

made of sugar or offices

but either way, you lose

Long ago it was easy

to run under the sky

hunting, foraging, moving

just trying to get by

You feel that it’s wrong

but can’t move with the weight

they’ve spoonfed your brain

and stacked up your plate

Madness some call it

Madness some say

When you can’t fight the future

You only live for today

Then depression sets in

and surrounds you in waves

your friends are all sinking

you can’t roll any saves

One by one they give in

to the pills or the dark

but within you it burns

that small, little spark

Never it whispers

Not you it roars

If you can’t feel happy

Then I’ll make you soar

Madness some call it

Madness some say

When your mind’s had enough

And it goes its own way

Soon all your thoughts race

through the once empty halls

they tug at your strings

and smash at your walls

You’re drunk on your ego

a wolf among sheep

you can do all you want

except go to sleep

The ride feels so good

when you’re nearing the top

but much like a train

all this crazy must stop

Madness some call it

Madness some say

When you realize you’ve lost

More than just your own way

You clean up your act

you lift and you jog

you start eating veggies

you find a new job

You balance your diet

along with your mood

healthy mind, healthy body

but you’re just being shrewd

For inside you it sleeps

the beast is alive

if you fall in despair

it will make you survive

Madness some call it

Madness some say

But for you it’s a safeguard

Of your ancient DNA

As I lay me down to sleep

I ask God me safe to keep

The childish prayer is not enough

My mind is sly but not real tough

And as I rest upon my pillow

I tell myself to become more mellow

Relax and count the blessings fine

Recount them all in a long, long line

My memory is sweet

It cannot be beat

Sisters chosen, give me support

Lonesome sadness they do thwart

I have food and sturdy shelter

Life continues, it does not falter

And joy within a constant thing

As words written with verve do sing

In gratitude I fade to night

All is well, all is right

And in the morn, I do wake

Alive to face life's new stake

Tomorrow is another day to listen to Taylor Swift's songs, this is the phrase that works for me, it might come out weird or hilarious to some people, but for me? I took it seriously. We never know what tomorrow could bring us, it could be good, bad, sad or anything, but knowing that makes life cool, at least for me. Tomorrow will be a great day, another phrase that just makes me felt better on a hard day, it gives lots of comfort. It gives this reassurance to myself about the next day and there is the day where I knew how the next day would be especially after I did something wrong. I knew it will be bad, but bad day is not a bad life. It is what human goes through, it is normal to have these bad and good days, it will make you felt much more responsible in your own life. You will be feeling better about yourself tomorrow, everything will past eventually, these are my high school teacher words and I will forever be grateful to her for this. Life was not meant to treat you good every time, but once it gave you the great day to live on, that is when you found all the beauties in life, the nature, the buildings and people. If today was a great day for you, cherished it, it is not easy to obtained that but you have work hard to enjoy that. I would like to quote You're on Your Own Now, the line 'Everything you lose is a step you take' and it is fine to lose that whether it is your friends, partner or things or anything at all, it is fine, it will get better, tomorrow? It will be a great day.

They stood in that grocery store aisle, heads together, pretending to read beef jerky labels, of all things. No, this has added sugar. Nope, molasses in this one. Wait-- damn. Brown sugar.

In truth, they were more acutely aware of the blistering nearness, one to the other. The magnetism pulsed. It ached and burned like nothing else. Here they were, venturing out for food, though even that seemed a faint and distant need, a bothersome obligation. Even in the midst of searching out needed nourishment, they could not keep their hands off of one another.

Before he knew it, his arms encircled her and as if by reflex, his lips sought hers. They kissed deeply, eagerly, unaware of their fellow shoppers milling about. This hunger was definitely the more pressing need, locale be damned.

They were also now blocking the entire narrow aisle with their ardent and spontaneous display of public affection.

A middle-aged woman loudly barked, "Get a room!"

To which the female broke the kiss, blushed and moved aside, out of the way. The heckler pushed her cart slowly by and stated more gently to the embarrassed female, "Have fun." Her head motioning to her extremely handsome mate, winking and nodding her approval.

Together, the lovers moved on, hand-in-hand, chuckling to each other, conspiratorially.

Little did anyone know, they DID in fact have a room nearby. No one else could possibly imagine the depths of love they shared there, privately, with all barriers removed.

They doubted any two other people had ever loved as they did. And they'd be correct in their bold assumption. Those two were anomalies of the best possible kind.

We walked through the woods

The afternoon sun filtered through the redwoods

Shadows danced on the lush ferns

His response had startled me

I must have made some utterance

For the life of me, I cannot even remember what

Did I actually say something to cause THAT smile to splash across his beautific face?

For his musical laughter to erupt so spontaneously?

I blushed, enthralled to be interacting with him

So fluidly

So effortlessly

We both glance at a rotting log near the dirt path

Our eyes meet and without exchanging a single word

We smile

He squeezes my hand

My God, he is real

He is breathtaking

Only a few stolen hours

It's all we had

But it felt like heaven on earth

I start with thank you

and then think of every miracle around me

and mention them by name

then I ask

for protection, health and God’s will

as I mentally name those still living in my family tree

then I work my way

through friends neighbors leaders

those in power and pain

in the whole wide world

ending with the prayer of Aaron

bless me

keep me

make your face shine upon me

be gracious to me

and most of all

send me peace.