blue.

the sort of blue that promises silence.

your stare scared me at first. there was something so honest about it. i wasn't used to that sort of honesty. it had been a long winter.

my own eyes had experienced a lot of tears. warm and salty, falling onto a cold floor. i was tired, so tired.

but you managed to save me.

it couldn't have been anyone, it had to be you. the right place, the right time. it could have never happened.

i know that this won't last forever.

but maybe it will last for a little while.

don't.

there's a strange expression on your face. a shadow. a collection of thoughts, turned into paint.

don't.

i know what you're considering. something that was sleeping for a long time is now awake.

don't.

one decision, that's all it seems to be. it might not matter.

don't.

you've been waiting for too long. the silence is killing you. the missed calls, the empty house.

don't.

it'll be okay. take a deep breath. it'll all be over soon.

don't

become like me.

i have been dead

for a very long time.

it's so cold, too cold.

the air is quiet, my thoughts are loud.

ashes and flame, all at once.

i want to live again

to forget the permanence of death-

i wanted freedom

but not like this.

a terrible flower has come into bloom.

five senses was never enough- images, sounds, colors, things even beyond that. television static, explosions of light. fingers pressing against my back, streams and rivers of sensation.

i try to sift through the words, but there are too many of them. they melt together, a horrible stream of black and white ink, misshapen letters.

i'm on an island in the middle of the sea. water, water, everywhere. i could drink it all and still remain thirsty. it's trying to drown me, to steal away the few breaths that can still emerge past my lips.

sometimes i can picture a single image, a single experience. something that belonged to someone else, now mine.

a whisper, a scream. shadows on the wall. windows filled with broken glass.

a field scattered with flowers, pale petals beginning to waste away. wooden structures, built up just to fall down again.

alone in the darkness. fiery stars and dying planets. endless time, stretched out eternally. unbreakable.

now i'm alone too.

the pressure is building. more thoughts, more feelings. nothing. everything.

it was beautiful while it lasted.

and then

inevitable collapse.

I'm not sure, I may be telling myself a sweet, beautiful lie- it's happened before, but not like this; it's scaring me, but I want to give in- I want to do this all for you, I know you're worth it and this may never happen again; I have to confess, tell the truth, let you know about what's either a marvel or a monster growing inside of me- perhaps, just maybe, there's the littlest chance that you're drowning in the same thing that I am.

(I love you.)

a

single

missing

piece.

a field covered in snow

with a solitary red dot

spreading

bleeding crimson ink

a pinhole

becomes

a canyon

tears lead to deserts

silence causes a hurricane

chaos.

where has the past gone

lantern light extinguished

stumbling in the dark

falling through the floor

searching for sanity

as it all unwinds

a

n d

r e

b a s

k

a

p

a

r

t.

i can see the outline of your face

in the frosted reflection

of a cracked mirror~

echoes

e x p a n d i n g

poisonous words

uttered,

trapped

in the depths of

my mind

broken

from the start

attempting to fix

what is already gone.

weaving your way

through

thoughts

and memories,

recalled.

when

will

you

let

me

go?

fleeting~

passing time

in between

warm sunbeams

and

bitter winds

scattered

picked up and carried away

to somewhere else

somewhere better

curling

and

twisting

and fading

to nothing

covering

the dying grass

soft shades

orange

yellow

red

a blanket

of silence

a whisper

of the winter to come.

sounds.

screeches and groans and the echoing sound of skittering claws.

my stomach twists. the night is dark, so dark. my parent's room is just down the hall, yet it seems miles away. and i doesn't dare to leave the bed- the monster might get me.

i can't pinpoint exactly where the noises are coming from, they're too chaotic, too overwhelming. but my guess is that the monster is under my bed. right where it can get to me.

a roar, and the frame of my bed rattles, nearly tossing me off. i grip the sheets until my hands turn white. i look from side to side, watching the wall, my eyes tracing the floor.

all of my stuffed animals are on my bookshelf, they can't protect me from there. all i can do is wait and hope that the scary noises will go away, that the monster won't kill me.

i want to have tomorrow.

minutes tick by, the red of my clock burning into my eyes.

the sounds go quiet.

legs trembling, i crawl out of bed. the silence, it hangs like a heavy fog. i stand by my bed, not moving.

the tension inside of me snaps, and i get down and look under my bed. there's nothing there, only a gap that shows the bottom of my bookshelf on the other side.

peace fills me. things will be okay.

and then there's one last sound.

the creak of the closet door opening.

bubbling thoughts

rising steam

about to boil over

almost to the edge

but not quite~

a peaceful front

chaos in the background

possibilities are just

possible problems

unspooling a ticker tape of memories

that will soon be erased