ugh

Nowhere. Emptiness. Where should I be? What is my purpose here? What should I become? What and where am I destined to be? Who am I supposed to be with? These are some of the hundreds of questions I find myself pondering day in and day out. From waking up to going to sleep--or well lack thereof when it comes to sleep--but this nonetheless probes deep reflection.

I find myself pondering these questions out of the feeling of lostness. It is not true and completely lostness. I do and do not have the answers--which is the hardest part. I only have bits and pieces to the puzzle and I have to work with that, but I don’t want to. I want more pieces that seem impossible to find.

I find more of myself and what I want to be, but then I am still lost at what I want to be and who I am. It is almost a never-ending conflict of what I am and what I want to be. I think I know, but only to be proven that I don’t know. Along with this, I do not know where to look for more answers. Look in spots I have never looked before. The feeling of being lost haunts me constantly.

I feel lost, alone, helpless, and misunderstood constantly--all the time. I feel inferior and feel like I am always in an uphill battle fighting--fighting for myself, all alone. It’s this constant state of misunderstanding that kills because I feel as though no one truly--truly--knows and understands me. Maybe I am looking for a level of understanding and connection that is only known and understood to me.

Maybe it is a feeling of unsettlement that these original feelings are causing me which makes me unsatisfied in life. Maybe it is the constant miss understanding my whole life that has caused me this. If that is the case I would think I would have adapted to this, but I haven’t. Maybe it is the lonely nights I spend doing everything for: working out, writing, reading, learning, listening to music, laying on the floor, sitting on the floor in the darkness of the basement of the kitchen, maybe it’s the laying in bed staring at the walls looking for the answers in every aspect of my life, maybe it’s the pain caused by others from the past that continues to hurt me deep down, maybe its the pain my mother causes me that I try to stop and try to fix the problem but it is never enough, maybe it’s thinking I had a healthy relationship with my now ex but then realizing it wasn’t because I was losing myself to help her so so much with all her problems since deep down I am a very caring person and I hate to see people suffer and in pain, but I never show that I am caring to most people so I am not taken advantage of since my mom uses my forgiving nature and my emotions as her punchlines to win an argument where she beats me down for feeling hurt. Maybe it’s not being able to sleep well on a constant basis for as long as I can remember. Maybe it’s me burning myself out at work all the time. Maybe it’s the depression that haunts and strikes me when I am weak. Maybe it’s me wanting to give up because I am tired of fighting. Maybe it is because I do not know when to stop fighting and concede. Maybe it’s me trying to hold everything together like a bunch of glass shards from a broken mug. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it is because deep down I am hurt and continually hurt by things but I never show it. Maybe it is because of that, that I am in pain. Maybe it is the nightmares that scar my memory. The scenes of death of myself and others. Not just death by the detailed experiences of death and torture. Maybe it is waking up from those nightmares in pain mentally and physically. Maybe it is the feeling of getting impaled or the feeling of death I experience in those dreams that traumatizes me. Maybe it is that. Maybe it is those dreams of pain. Maybe that shows the pain I suffer is deeply embedded in me, so deep down it speaks to me through my dreams. Maybe it’s the never-ending thinking I have to cope with the pain and suffering I have. The lack of being able to relax and not do anything. Maybe it is the fact I always feel like I got something to prove in every aspect of life. Maybe it was being bullied as a kid. Maybe it is from being hit in the head over and over by my mother as a discipline. Maybe it is the “you are to be seen and not heard” or the silence when out in public or the constant reminder that I am a child and know nothing. Maybe that is why I have an addiction to learn and to know. Maybe that is why I feel like I have something to prove. Maybe that is why I care so much about others, especially those close to me. Maybe, maybe I am not normal. Maybe I am broken and do not belong in society. Maybe that is the case. Maybe it is true that I don’t think like other people. Maybe I think on some wacked upscale that I do not belong or conform to society. Maybe that is the case. Maybe it is. Maybe that is the reason for my pain. Maybe.

Who knows? Cause I sure as hell don’t and get so tempted just to fucking give up, but I don’t and that is probably one of the most terrifying things--the day I truly quit. The day it is too much. That day--that day--has a date attached to it that I do not know when it will appear, but it will probably strike when I am knocked down in life. The day I do not get back on my feet. That will be the day it is done and over.