The Power Disgusts Me, Yet
My early adolescence,
During my most vulnerable days. I listened to peers I'd thought friends, tell me what to do for acceptance I believed I already had.
We, my "friend" Chavez and his friend Ned strayed into the woods and prairies behind Chavez's farmhouse. I thought we were simply going to go hiking, shoot a couple Coke cans with our air rifles, talk life and go back home. But a nearby mammal minding its business along the creek changed all that. If only I weren't anatomically made of skin, bone and cowardice...
Ned, with a cryptic grin shouted,
"Hey look at that Muskrat! You ever seen one that fat and wabbly Chavez?"
"Nawh man, look at that stupid thing just chilling." Chavez looked over to a nearby chipped up log and set his air rifle aside.
"You guys wanna see how many hits it takes to kill that fat furball?"
I always told myself the only time I'd kill any living being was for survival, whether it be sustenance or defense. And I especially told myself I'd never kill someone so barbarically. But as I looked forward in a quiet, cold sweat I feel Ned's approving gaze behind me as I hear him lay his air rifle next to Chavez's.
- SPOILER/TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic Animal Cruelty in the Coming Passages -
"Dude I am so down! I'll go first." Without even a moment to contemplate what he was doing, Ned picked the mossy log up and walked up to the muskrat and raised it over his head like the most twisted wannabe Conan I've ever seen and brought it down full force on the Muskrat's shoulder.
BMMPF!
"Hyngsssssssss!" the Muskrat bounced in shock and turned instinctively, clearly wounded by Ned's cruelty. I, to a much milder extent felt the paralyzing helplessness the innocent rodent was enduring as Chavez confidently fistbumped Ned before taking the log and putting his back into it. Chavez dropped the log onto the Muskrat's backleg, causing an immediate yelp.
Ned standing between the poor creature and I,
"Damn, this things tougher than I thought...Natty, you're up. We know we've pushed you over the years, but you're stronger than all of us because of it. Aintcha'?" Ned takes the log from Chavez and sets it in my shellshocked hands, clasping my fingers from behind around the mossy wood so I wouldn't drop it.
Having still not blinked once since the first despicable strike on the creature whose only fault in this world was being in the wrong place at the wrong time (it's own home) Ned and Chavez saw that I 'needed a little help to get it done' they start cheering me on like some kind of frat party.
"NATTY"
"NATTY"
Surely this poor thing is half dead already. I look to my air rifle which I'd already set down only to see Ned wave a finger at me as they continued without missing a beat.
"NATTY"
"NATTY"
"NGGGGGY'UAAHHH!!" I swung that log down harder on that poor suffering muskrat than I did in defense when kids dropped me on schoolyard ice for fun. I took my life out on that miserable creature. As if that's ever justified anything...
I swung.
And I swung.
Having to blame the tears in my eyes on the sunset, as I forced myself with more regret than the swing prior to go until the job was done, knowing these sick bastards would have drawn this sin out as long as they could.
Finally with one last crack, and a hardening of it's poor beady eyes, I watched the muskrat leave his mortal prison by my hands.
"Damn Natty, didn't know you were that strong! Solid work man." Chavez chanted with Ned nodding in passive agreement.
"We should go back soon though. Mom's probably got dinner ready about now." Chavez said, as if we hadn't just committed animal cruelty for 'fun'. How could that sick chach think about food right now?
"Yeah man. C'mon Natty don't just stand there like an idiot. Let's go." Ned shouted already heading towards the farmhouse.
I stared through that muskrat at myself. Stiff as he was from the rigor mortis.
"Why did I do it? Why didn't I stop them? To stay on their good side? So cool kids I couldn't care less about think I've 'grown some guts'?"
To this day I still ask myself why I allowed myself to become the villain. And unfortunately I don't have an answer. I honestly can't think of one that justifies that night.
Other than turning down a wedding invitation, I don't think I've spoken to Chavez or Ned since.
While I've sworn to never harm another being again unless in defense or for sustenance again, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that evening.