life time(some deatils are left out bc i dont see anyone wanting to know them)

when I was younger life was hard but I didn’t know it. I didn’t see what the world really was throwing at me. let’s start at now and work our way to when it began shall we. at 14 I went to a mental hospital, got diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Now I had planned to end my suffering but got offered the option to have help. and I took it. but now I’m on two pills and still currently suffering from small but severe moments of sadness or numbness. after I got out a bit later my ex(call him z) which I’ll tell you all bout further below had told me he hopes next time I intend to end it that I should finish the job and that I fake how I feel and that he lied but at least he admitted it but I never did. which in fact makes no sense when for almost 2 years I tried to save him from himself. so I reported him and again blocked him. although I unblocked him a couple of minutes before writing this for him to see, I’m not lying and that he has no idea how my life has been. because for so long he’d say don’t talk bad about your family because his was worse and I didn’t know true pain so I shouldn’t complain. Now at 13 I had got into more trouble than id ever been in. I got the cops to my door for writing down on a school account google doc what my ex had said about hurting himself, now no I wasn’t in trouble but obviously, my mom was furious because this is 8th grade and in 7th I had this issue with the same person but more severe. see at 12 I met a boy while with someone else( hes m), now 3-5 months go by and I break up with him, then date another boy(we’ll call him H), who messed with my head by saying things than taking them back or putting me down for my decisions and yes, the decisions I made back then were childish but it still made an impact on me. making me want to live up to his expectations instead of finding my own. so I got away from that situation finally. and sadly got back with the boy before me, now he wasn’t a bad person but we had no time to talk about anything or heal what had torn us apart in the first place. so after that finally ended on one day, I sat in my last period holding his hand crying because I loved him but I felt trapped and closed in when he hugged me or put his arm around me. I never knew why but it never stopped. and at the beginning of the year I started getting close with said ex up above, before I broke up with whom I just was explaining about. we talked for 8 hours on the first call we had. from there we were best friends then he started calling me “Lil sis” and I called him “big brother” we used to write it on each other’s hands every day. then at a dance (fall dance), my bf at the time took me but sorta felt out of place so my best friend (z) start talking and sorta being goofy like usual and we both got awkward and I almost reached out to grab his arm like I guess any stereotypical straight girl would do right, and then I realize oh I shouldn’t do that. which we both (z and i) talked about that because I was so close he felt me almost do it. but a bit after that I realized I kinda liked him. so when m and h and I ended he started talking to me in math class on google hangouts. and one day he made a comment that he used to like me and to be honest I liked him back then too but that kinda faded just like the small crush on h then. but I told him I did too, he proceeded to say “really?” and we really talked about it and held hands and hugged a lot and we both were blushing and felt super awkward but happy. slowly we started falling for one another. Now you may think aw that’s so cute. yeah just wait. we started dating on December 6th. he probably doesn’t even remember it. during winter break we called each other at 5 am when my mom was gone at work and played video games and well I yelled at the game and he laughed and said I was “scary”. which I really liked for some reason. We’d asked each other questions while playing games or laying in bed. I really really liked it. and after winter break we were really clingy so much so I got in trouble. and before that actually, my mom found his kms texts and took my phone and made me give him a note to say I shouldn’t date him. but I told him I was sorry and she made me do it, I cried with him in 1st period and it really really hurt me when I saw him cry. but when i got in trouble again she was extremely mad. Mostly everything I had was taken from me. yet I still saw it as worth it because it was for him. at 12 i changed schools to where I am now till next year. i waited for a long time to go to school there. sleeping most of the day or playing video games while eating junk food. then I had to go to school, I had no friends at all and the friends I made at first bullied me. because on my first day two girls decided to write me a note. saying things I knew wasn’t okay. i showed the teacher and they both got in trouble but this continued till almost the end of 7th grade. when I was asked to fight the one main girl (the other moved before 7th grade) my best friend at the time said shed help me if I said yes but we were on the bus and people were recording and watching and I really didn’t want that on my record, so I said no. then that’s when it ended. she got kicked off the bus and suspended for a couple of days. anyway so before all that I had met another guy, um “J” and he introduced me to his gf and I finally approached her sorta and we became friends and to this day (he*) and I are friends. and I also met “M” then. I thought he was really cute and I wanted to know more about him. I asked (L) who he was one day and what’s he like. then I got confronted by him saying he had a gf which yeah really sucked but my old best friend “A” (passed tense meaning after a couple of months of 7th grade, he had to move) had asked me out and said yes. he and I went off and on till “M” became single and started coming around more. so I told “a” I didn’t wanna date, I cried but he understood. so “m” and I started dating on march 14th and he does remember lol.

so think that’s a lot so far if you wanna know more, like or comment.