their staring at the clouds. lying down on the newly cut grass. a fox sunbathing. for a long time, it's silent. no wind, no noise at all. they looked down and saw. then blue eyes lying next to them. reached out. holding them close. a wolf's strength. keeping them safe. nothing could make the fox, the wolf leave one another. the clouds drifted into rain. they sniffed the air, grinning. Then the clouds blew away softly, leaving it cold. they shuttered. blue eyes kept them warm. sharing the heat. they both talked without words. a secret language. the eyes told more feeling than any. they both gave affection, sleeping in each other's arms. time gave way and they grew up. different paths yet standing beside each other. a pinky swear. now live 2 with both the fox and wolf mixed. both watch them in the grass, remembering. taken way back. yet the clouds looked the same. but there was noise.

id been drowning

i felt myself pulling up but never floating

for a long time, night to light

then a few words from you

the pressure relased

and i could move

my lungs could breath

my heart could stop working so hard

and i could see

and now im alive again

to m

It's been so long...how do you love ? and I don't mean how as in details just I guess what makes your heart, or soul or mind think this is love?

because I'm in love but I can't do anything about it. I try to say to think of the positives and live in the moment. but life isn't a moment. I'm reading a book, "words in deep blue" by Cath Crowley https://g.co/kgs/qZE6wo. this makes me question meaning. words, actions, thoughts, feelings. what does it really do? I'm a hopeless romantic...and I'm told that means I'm hopeless, and at this point, I agree. fell for someone about a year ago but everything got in the way. and then we stopped talking like we used to. I hated the distance. and right now im just trying to understand if ill have a chance or not. he said i do but sometimes if hes not texting i fear i dont, and i know thats just my self doubt but its still in the back of my mind. but im determined to keep trying. Everything i do has meaning and worth and to me the things i do for him is that exact thing.

when I was younger life was hard but I didn’t know it. I didn’t see what the world really was throwing at me. let’s start at now and work our way to when it began shall we. at 14 I went to a mental hospital, got diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Now I had planned to end my suffering but got offered the option to have help. and I took it. but now I’m on two pills and still currently suffering from small but severe moments of sadness or numbness. after I got out a bit later my ex(call him z) which I’ll tell you all bout further below had told me he hopes next time I intend to end it that I should finish the job and that I fake how I feel and that he lied but at least he admitted it but I never did. which in fact makes no sense when for almost 2 years I tried to save him from himself. so I reported him and again blocked him. although I unblocked him a couple of minutes before writing this for him to see, I’m not lying and that he has no idea how my life has been. because for so long he’d say don’t talk bad about your family because his was worse and I didn’t know true pain so I shouldn’t complain. Now at 13 I had got into more trouble than id ever been in. I got the cops to my door for writing down on a school account google doc what my ex had said about hurting himself, now no I wasn’t in trouble but obviously, my mom was furious because this is 8th grade and in 7th I had this issue with the same person but more severe. see at 12 I met a boy while with someone else( hes m), now 3-5 months go by and I break up with him, then date another boy(we’ll call him H), who messed with my head by saying things than taking them back or putting me down for my decisions and yes, the decisions I made back then were childish but it still made an impact on me. making me want to live up to his expectations instead of finding my own. so I got away from that situation finally. and sadly got back with the boy before me, now he wasn’t a bad person but we had no time to talk about anything or heal what had torn us apart in the first place. so after that finally ended on one day, I sat in my last period holding his hand crying because I loved him but I felt trapped and closed in when he hugged me or put his arm around me. I never knew why but it never stopped. and at the beginning of the year I started getting close with said ex up above, before I broke up with whom I just was explaining about. we talked for 8 hours on the first call we had. from there we were best friends then he started calling me “Lil sis” and I called him “big brother” we used to write it on each other’s hands every day. then at a dance (fall dance), my bf at the time took me but sorta felt out of place so my best friend (z) start talking and sorta being goofy like usual and we both got awkward and I almost reached out to grab his arm like I guess any stereotypical straight girl would do right, and then I realize oh I shouldn’t do that. which we both (z and i) talked about that because I was so close he felt me almost do it. but a bit after that I realized I kinda liked him. so when m and h and I ended he started talking to me in math class on google hangouts. and one day he made a comment that he used to like me and to be honest I liked him back then too but that kinda faded just like the small crush on h then. but I told him I did too, he proceeded to say “really?” and we really talked about it and held hands and hugged a lot and we both were blushing and felt super awkward but happy. slowly we started falling for one another. Now you may think aw that’s so cute. yeah just wait. we started dating on December 6th. he probably doesn’t even remember it. during winter break we called each other at 5 am when my mom was gone at work and played video games and well I yelled at the game and he laughed and said I was “scary”. which I really liked for some reason. We’d asked each other questions while playing games or laying in bed. I really really liked it. and after winter break we were really clingy so much so I got in trouble. and before that actually, my mom found his kms texts and took my phone and made me give him a note to say I shouldn’t date him. but I told him I was sorry and she made me do it, I cried with him in 1st period and it really really hurt me when I saw him cry. but when i got in trouble again she was extremely mad. Mostly everything I had was taken from me. yet I still saw it as worth it because it was for him. at 12 i changed schools to where I am now till next year. i waited for a long time to go to school there. sleeping most of the day or playing video games while eating junk food. then I had to go to school, I had no friends at all and the friends I made at first bullied me. because on my first day two girls decided to write me a note. saying things I knew wasn’t okay. i showed the teacher and they both got in trouble but this continued till almost the end of 7th grade. when I was asked to fight the one main girl (the other moved before 7th grade) my best friend at the time said shed help me if I said yes but we were on the bus and people were recording and watching and I really didn’t want that on my record, so I said no. then that’s when it ended. she got kicked off the bus and suspended for a couple of days. anyway so before all that I had met another guy, um “J” and he introduced me to his gf and I finally approached her sorta and we became friends and to this day (he*) and I are friends. and I also met “M” then. I thought he was really cute and I wanted to know more about him. I asked (L) who he was one day and what’s he like. then I got confronted by him saying he had a gf which yeah really sucked but my old best friend “A” (passed tense meaning after a couple of months of 7th grade, he had to move) had asked me out and said yes. he and I went off and on till “M” became single and started coming around more. so I told “a” I didn’t wanna date, I cried but he understood. so “m” and I started dating on march 14th and he does remember lol.

so think that’s a lot so far if you wanna know more, like or comment.

Is there ever a point where this ends? I have no clue who I am. Yet its asked or thrown in my face everyday. Why..? See my “bf” he’s a straight boy right, and im a pansexual with no clue of my gender. I guess gender blind is really true. Sometimes I think ill miss things. Like ive always wondered how it was to date a fem boy, or an enby. Someone who isnt a masculen boy who is just like every other cisgender guy. Im 14 but I feel ill be missing out on experiences. Yes, I love who im with but, it seems all the same. Like I dont even know if I actually want kids. And i dont really wanna get married. At least not like he does. And I want my kids to grow up with two ppl that both feel that they dont need to be one gender or the other or be gay or straight, but just be who they are.

I dont want to be the stereotype of a hetero couple. Ive never wanted that. And I dont wanna feel like I cant pay for something just cuz technically im the girl in the relationship.That to me is just gross. I dont wanna worry if I figure out my gender is anything else but female my "bf" wont actually wanna be with me.

Quiz

Okay, close your eyes and imagine being in the woods, now who are you with?

There’s a noise in the bushes, the animal pops out, what animal is it?

Now you move on, there’s a house, how big is it and does it have a fence?

Now you go and explore the said house, you walk in the dining room, there is a table What's on it?

There’s a cup on the floor, what's it made of and what are you gonna do with it?

Now you see a body of water outside, how big is it?

And how are you gonna cross it?

Comment your answers and ill tell you what they mean

I wanna spend my whole life with you. I wanna see you succeed in life, to do what you love. See you happy and explore who you are and who we are together. I wanna wake up to your warmth, your arms around me. I wanna tell you good morning in a sleepy voice and give you kisses. I wanna be there for you when your sad, when your stressed. I wanna help you through anything possible and I know you'd do the same. I wanna hear about the work you've done and are doing. I want you to tell me everything even if I don't totally understand it all. I want to go places with you. Learn from you. Chill out with you, laying in bed or on the couch for hours. Have dinner with you, since you like to cook so much. Share stupid stories with you and laugh. Find you outside somewhere. Take pictures with you and post them saying "look what's mine" or something. All because I love you so much, and you're my everything.

Lately, I don't feel anything, my minds sorta empty. Is this normal? I don't know anymore. Two very important people in my life said things to me that usually would make me smile and be happy about but I just sat there staring at the screen like “Idk what to say to that” so I faked it, not the best thing to do but I don't wanna say that to them and it turns into something big. Then again they don't judge me worth anything but still, it's my choice. I keep staring at the TV, my whole body limp and still. I keep trying to ask myself how I feel but I really don't know. I don't know if it's good judgment or not but, I almost told the boy I love that I don't wanna date anyone. I don't know if its im scared or I just don't want to. But if I can just say things like that to myself and be okay with it, do I deserve him, especially when he’s been so good to me. I don't know anymore. Everything’s a mess. I guess one of the reasons I don't wanna tell him is because the last time's it was me who broke it off so, I just didn't wanna do that again. I keep thinking why do we always start off so strong and loving then I get second thoughts. Cant help to feel it's just not gonna work no matter how hard I try. I love him and trust me I don't wanna lose him. I swore I wouldn’t but I feel like if I do or don't tell him I will. So I don't see a good option here. Nothing sounds good.

you know, there's a point when I think, maybe if I leave him alone he’ll get it, but he never does. I never left you for someone else. *sigh* I guess it doesn't matter what I write you think what you want. But in your worst times, I was there even if it was killing me to see you like that. The time I left, I said it was to change and that's cuz I wanted to be able to help you, to help myself not feel so broken and unfunctional but you didn't see that. I believed everything you said to me, but I knew deep down you weren't being truthful, but I pushed that away, guess love is blind. Funny thing is, you never "destroyed" yourself you just broke down and felt bad I was gone, I'm not yours, not anymore. I'm glad you aren't gonna give up but don't follow me like a lil puppy doing whatever you think I want or would do because none of what your doing is what I'd do. But none the less I don't want you to be more like me, trust me it won't work. I really wish you'd stop saying sorry btw. And I never said you were that name just because of how you loved me, we have those things in common but you're more emotional than I am. Look I get it, you miss me and that's cool ig but *sigh* I chased you long enough, too long. I told myself a long time ago if I dated again they'd respect me, they'd trust me, talk to me about things, listen, help me with life, and let me do the same.

I have some question....just to vibe over or what not :)

What are your hobbies?

What’s something you won’t go without wanting?

What’s your fav thing to wear when you’re alone?

Do you collect any sort of thing?

How long do you like to sleep?

What’s your sign?

What’s your fav game, video or not?

What makes you feel comfortable?

What’s that one weird thing others notice that you don’t?

Do you watch anime, if so who is your fav character?

Like for part 2 and comment or tag me in your answers.

Love

Sunflower