Disappearing

Note: I wrote this a little while ago. It still needs some editing and fixing up. Also, I know the beginning doesn't make sense and seems kind of childish but I promise it gets better. xD

There once was a girl. She found a tunnel. A variety of factors led her there, but soon she forgot. When she arrived at the entrance, she saw a sign. It was held in place next to the tunnel by many tiny nails. It said, “I can solve all your problems and teach you control. I can make you beautiful and strong,”. Underneath that, some faded, wobbly looking words were partially scribbled out with red pen. She squinted to read them, “Do not forget what you are giving up.” How dramatic, the girl thought. I can always turn around. So she took the first step in. It smelled like lemon water.

A voice greeted her, “Hi! I’m Ana!”

Who? Where are you?

“I’m at the end of the tunnel. I’m here to help you. When you make it to me, I will reward you and make you happy,”.

The girl was startled, “Um, sure. Okay.”

I’ll only go a little ways she thought, just to see what happens.

“No you won’t,” the voice said.

“Ah! How can you hear me think?” The girl jumped.

Ana just laughed, “Soon you will understand,”.

Curious, the girl began to walk, and as she did they talked. Ana told her that to be happy, she must be pretty. So the girl listened to Ana. Skeptical, she ate a little less and walked a little farther into the tunnel.

“Mediocre,” said Ana.

The girl just laughed, “You’re weird,”.

Every night for months the girl left the tunnel and ran home to a big dinner with all her family.

Then the next day Ana would scold her,

“How could you leave me? I do so much for you!”

The girl would apologize, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, but you haven’t made me happy!”

The girl became miserable and sick, but Ana kept making promises.

She clicked her tongue in disgust, “You are unhappy because you are fat, but don’t worry, I can help you. When you are thin, everything will be better.”

So Ana explained what to do. The girl began to skip meals entirely.

“Do you feel that? That is what empty feels like. That is what pride feels like.”

The girl nodded, and went to run home. That night the tunnel felt longer than normal. When she returned the next morning, Ana wasn’t pleased.

“You had a big dinner last night. Pig. Don’t you want to have joy? It’s time to teach you guilt.”

The girl came sprinting back early the next day. She was crying, “Ana you were right! Who am I? I should do better!”

Ana nodded, "Remember, hunger is strength. Every chest pain, stomach ache, weak muscle, every symptom of starvation means you are doing something right. If you are full, then you don't get to rest until those worthless calories are gone. Understand? You understand."

Weeks passed and the girl began to notice things. When she listened to Ana she felt good, and when she didn’t she felt terrible. Pleasing Ana consumed her thoughts. She was addicted. The girl was confused though. People outside the tunnel had begun to look at her strangely. They did not approve, and Ana said that she had to hide her transformation from them. So, the tunnel reeked of lying. The girl didn’t pay attention to it though, she knew that others just didn’t understand. Ana understood. Ana reassured her what was right and wrong. Next time when the girl returned, she was excited.

“Ana, I didn’t eat all day and it felt like I was floating.” The girl kept walking, “Ana?”.

“Running burns more calories.”

But I’m tired, thought the girl.

“You will never be enough until you reach the end. You are a horrible person, you deserve the pain!” Ana cried.

Her voice lowered to a whisper, “When you are a skeleton, you will be perfect like me.”

So the girl ran, and as she ran, the walls thinned. She was confused until she caught sight of herself in the tunnels shining walls. Her skin was gray. Her eyes had dark under them, like slashes of paint. Her arms were bruised. Her stomach sunk in like the tide had gone down, and her hip bones rose as mountains of marble. Her ribs poked out of her flesh like fingers she could count. She had thinned too.

“Ana, am I skinny now? Skinny is pretty right?” she slowed to a walk.

“No, you should exercise more. You are still not committed enough. You are still not sick enough. don't you want to be special?”

That day the girl did not turn around to run back home. I mean, I could if I wanted to, she thought. The girl stumbled forward for hours, for days. All she thought about was getting to the end. So as skipped meals and guilt piled up behind her, she crawled on. Sometimes she tried to stand, but it made her vision spot.

“Are those birds, Ana?”

“No, that is your weakness. Clear your eyes.”

But the girl found herself laying down. The ground was cold, and smooth as ice. The pressure hurt against the bones of her spine. The air smelled like her breath. Her breath smelled of something decomposing. The girl tried to look behind her, but the tunnel was so long, and she was too weak. She knew if she laid too long she might not rize again. So, propelled by guilt, she pushed herself up onto her knees, feeling something fuzzy beneath her hands. Is that my hair? She didn’t care. I’m fine, she thought. I’m almost at the end, then I can stop. She hovered there for a while. Time had no meaning in the tunnel. Frozen still, she registered a noise. It was so soft she had to strain to hear it. Thump. A pause. Thump. She waited. Thump. Pause. Thump. The pauses kept growing longer.

“Ana?”

“Come on, you’re almost at the end my dear. Soon your pain will go away.”

The girl, not able to do anything else, obeyed. Every few minutes, she crawled one bit farther. Then another few inches. Ana encouraged her, but her voice kept growing quieter. The girl was confused. Aren’t I getting closer?

“Ana, I need you,” she said.

Then the world went grey. When the girl’s eyes opened again, there was silence. No thumping, no Ana. She felt light, and strong. Standing up, she saw the end! She took her time walking, confused with what was there. It was silver and shiny and scratched. A mirror.

“Ana, where are you?” The girl was relieved it would soon be over. I’m here, don’t you see? In your head.

“What?” she cried, “Then where am I?”

Look. So the girl approached the mirror.

“Ana, I don’t see me...I only see you!”