cause i’ve got a girl crush.

Title- “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town

PSA:

This was back when I was still identified as cisgender. I’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns. However, for this, I will be referring to myself as my assigned gender at birth. Please do not refer to me as a girl. I only allow masculine nicknames/slang (dude, bro, king, etc.) to used on me. Thank you, have fun :)

I never thought about women that way. Wanting to hold their hands, kiss them, feel their touch against mine; it just never appealed to me. But that was only because I didn’t know it was possible. I didn’t know you could be with the same gender as yourself, nobody told me about it. I didn’t see anything about it on T.V, I wasn’t taught about it, I didn’t know anything about it; until I did. I asked a friend what being gay meant when I was. She told me that was when you date the same gender as yourself. At first, I was confused. Like I said before, I didn’t know about it. But the more I thought about it, the less I cared. Whoever you date and love is none of my business, so why should I care? Sadly, in this day and age, most people care, even when it doesn’t affect them at all. People can date, kiss, make love, marry, do whatever with anybody, I don’t care, as long as nobody is getting hurt; and I left it at that.

One day, I began to think if I was interested in the same gender as myself. I tried to imagine it. I didn’t hate it? I don’t know, it was confusing. I never had a crush on a girl, or even felt anything remotely romantic for a girl. I was boy-crazy and was already crushing hard on a guy (one that didn’t like me back, but he’s irrelevant). I thought some more, but I only got more confused. I didn’t particulary hate the idea of being with a girl, I just wasn’t sure if I like it since I’ve never been in love with one before. I decided to not dwell on the topic any longer. It wasn’t like I was planning on dating anytime soon (despite the fact that I had a crush on a guy). And just like before, I left it at that; that is, until I couldn’t.

It was late at night, and I was just scrolling through social media. It was the same old, same old; except it wasn’t. A picture of a friend popped up. She was in a short, navy blue dress with a sunflower tucked behind her ear. Her dirty blond hair was draped over her bare shoulders, her smile brighter than the sun. Freckles scattered around her cheeks, her eyes shined like diamonds, diamonds that I could gaze at for hours and never get bored of. My face began to heat up as my heart began to race. What was this feeling? I know this feeling, but why am I feeling it now? I was feeling love, but who was it for? Her? No, it couldn’t be...could it?

I fell in love with her. It was beautiful, new, and all around wonderful; but only for a split second. After that split second, everything was a hell.

I hated being in love with her, for I knew she wouldn’t ever feel the same. She was only interested in guys. Was I a guy? Nope, not in the slightest. I was a girl, not a guy. Still, did that stop me from being in love with her? Again, nope, not in the slightest. I couldn’t control it, but how I wish I could. I wanted to be hers, I wanted her to be mine. But it was never going to happen; and it shattered my heart.

The butterflies in my stomach only grew with each passing day, and as disturbing as it sounds, I wanted to rip off each and every one of their beautifully delicate wings and watch them die slowly with pain in my hands. It’s what they deserved. Crying myself to sleep, wishing she liked girls, wishing I didn’t like her. I made a lot of wishes, but none of them ever came true. It was painful. Why did it have to be so painful? As beautiful as love is, it’s also one of the cruelest things to ever exist. Sure, I was used to getting hurt from having crushes, but this was different. At least I had a chance (a slim one, but still a chance), but here, there was no chance to begin with. She would never see me the way I saw her, so I began to hate myself.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to be the one to fall in love with the same gender as myself? Why did I have to steal glances at her in class hoping that she would do the same with me? Why did I have to cry at night because she wasn’t mine? Why did I have to gush about how stunning she looked from every angle? Why did I have to wish for her to always be by my side? Why did I have to make up fake scenarios where she would actually be with me? Why? Why me?

Why did I have to be the freak that loved her?