An Open Letter to the Massive Chinese Rocket Pieces Barreling Toward Earth

Dear Chinese Rocket Core Stage,

I have a lot of questions. Like “what’s a core stage?” and “why?” But mostly, I’m curious if God sent you.

I know it seems antithetical, the whole notion that a mythical deity in the sky would send a sophisticated machine made by scientists to Earth to smite us all, but when you think about it, it’s pretty poetic right? You helped build a part of a space station called “Heavenly Harmony” and then decided to take a detour to a planet where the closest thing we have to harmony is everyone agreeing that Ted Lasso’s a really nice guy. Half of this place’s inhabitants don’t believe in God while the other half don’t believe in science, so kudos to you for an inventive way to cover all the bases.

And if it’s not some sort of divine plan, then what? If you’re just doing this for attention, I hate to tell you, but this is the worst time for a captive audience. Sure, a 21-ton piece of space junk the size of a ten-story building might have seemed like big news in 2019, but we’re in the 2020’s now, bitch. We can easily thrive under the constant threat of impending doom as long as someone has a good sourdough starter we can use. The Zoomers have probably already declared you canceled. Somewhere on Reddit there’s a meme where you’ve been photoshopped donning a pair of skinny jeans and a middle part. 

But I digress.

If I am right and you’re supposed to bring some form of reckoning, may I suggest a more targeted approach? I hear Florida is lovely this time of year. In fact, we have a beacon ready-and-waiting to guide your way. It’s orange and wearing a red hat that was made in your home country.

Eagerly awaiting your cosmic justice,

KM Cassidy