before the dawn catches us unarmed
(caution: not suitable for the younger readers)
I have become intoxicated again
you are such a potent wine, my friend
to escape your withdrawal effects,
tomorrow I will drink in excess
― Kamand Kojouri
Faint light slips into the bedroom, the sun almost completely set behind the horizon, heated air and the sweet smell of flowers filling the air around us. She gazes at the view behind the window and inhales deeply the rich, intoxicating fragrances, smiling as if she could feel it all right in her bloodstream. Mmm, then again, maybe she could, who was to tell. I try not to get too lost in the landscape of her bare legs and gentle curves picking from under the thin sheets that she lightly spread over her waist and thighs. The day was way too hot to cover yourself with anything else than that. I shift over to her from the other end of the bed and lift a delicate bright strap of her bra back into place, fingertips gliding against her shoulder as I lean closer and kiss the skin there with affection, lips still feeling a bit swollen from a whole afternoon spent on tracing the alluring map of her body. She gazes up at me with a sleepy smile and I return it, slightly lost in thought, my energy still moving around me in smaller bursts. Not as wild and untamed as before, but always so alive in my veins. Always keeping me in some form of an alert.
“I have seen the way he looks at you.”
I start slowly.
“He fancies you.”
My voice lingers in the air as I watch her lift up slowly, sitting on the bed with a slight frown, her expression no longer as relaxed and calm, knowing exactly who I’m referring to. The image of my mountain man bodyguard and the closest thing I have to a friend, playing before my eyes.
“And you tell me that after you just wrapped me in your overwhelming chaos?”
“I was a bit unstable, but it doesn’t change the fact that he likes you.”
“Again. After what just happened?”
There is some irritation now in the way she moves her hands.
“One does not fight the other. Call me a conundrum. Besides, I want you to be happy.”
“I am happy in my life, I don’t need much.”
“Wren, you need a companion. Not just people and nature to nourish.”
“I had you for a while.”
“But I can’t give you all the things that you deserve. I wasn’t meant to give happiness. I was brought to life only for the sake of destruction, to be a warrior, and thrive. Nothing else.”
“And yet, you made me happy. You never stopped.”
Her fingers move in a somewhat softer manner as she states it. I inhale deeper, lungs filling with her scent, my mind in so many places at once.
“As I said. Not in the way you fully deserve.”
“That’s your opinion.”
I gaze up at her, my head slightly bowed, energy crackling under the smooth surface.
“Are you drawn to Ramsey? Do you return his feelings?”
“He’s nice and caring. Very protective and could keep me safe.”
I shake my head a bit, displeased from not getting what I wanted.
“You’re not answering the question. I didn’t ask for his description, Wren. I asked if you feel the way that he does for you?”
“I could, one day. Perhaps. But I don’t have those feelings now. My heart is still elsewhere.”
She signs slowly and then looks to the side; shifting on the bed and moving the knees closer to her chest, wrapping arms around them, and resting her chin there as the white sheets crease around her form, her thoughts seeming to drift off somewhere far away. An unexplainable mix of emotions fills me, contrasting and burning like the heated ash above a bonfire. I feel both relief and a deep form of sadness. I want her to find true joy in life, yet can’t seem to let go of her completely. I don’t want to share her, but I know this will be for the best. Beings like me weren’t meant for the bliss and love of another. Not for long anyway. Creatures like me were only meant for one thing. Annihilation. Just that. At times it even surprised me I got this much out of life as I had, many years and days spent on moments of sweet surrender and pleasure. Even through the chaos of my life and the never-ending demands and orders placed on me, I still found traces of happiness with another soul. The many, meaningless times lost on lust and rapture with strangers, I did not count. It wouldn’t be worth the while.
Those others that cross into my path, were only a pleasant distraction and a way to loosen the demands and tensions of the day. As humans say, just empty calories, nothing nutritious or satisfying enough to last for longer. But with her it felt good, hopeful, lasting... and without leaving a slightly bitter aftertaste to it that came with the rise of a new day. She was always a constant in my life, something I gravitated to so naturally, without even thinking, and whatever I gave to her, she returned it with openness and vulnerability, letting me experience pureness I had never shared with anyone else. And no matter how far we would stray away from each other, somehow we would always glide back, in one way or another. I didn’t have any expectations when it came to us, I didn’t plan or demand. All I knew was that in her, there would always be a safe harbor to come back to. The gentleness I needed in my ever-breathing turmoil that one day threatened to burn me alive, leaving only ash and smoke behind.
But my future didn’t scare me, despite how it was planned out and how it had to end, I still felt some strange form of peace and calm. Gentle streams of water moving under the everlasting fires. A sense of knowing that whatever happened I would always return back. New life, new century, yet the same goal, just like I have done so many times before. But this form of knowledge had also a more subtle feel to it. As if sensing that when I would return, certain energy would always be a home for me, the kind of energy that was right here with me, in this room. I touch her arm and gently squeeze it. She looks at me, seeming to be still lost in thought but then finally her eyes truly notice me.
“I just want you to be happy.”
“I know, and understand that. But could you understand something as well?”
Tell me.
I mouth in a whisper and she shivers.
“Believe it or not, but I am already happy in my life. It’s not perfect, but I don’t need it
to be that way, I never needed that. And...”
She sighs and puts a hand over my chest, mouthing slowly.
I am happy.
And I believe her as she says it, feeling her truths under my ribs, beating to the same rhythm as her words do. I nod and lean in, pulled in by gravity I never fought to resist, kissing her slowly and with intensity, both devouring the air that fills her lungs, and returning her back to life as I move away just by a few inches. Always needing to be close. She inhales deeply, making a hitched sound, her chest rising and falling rapidly. She then stares at me in a daze and pulls me on top of her, pressing her thighs into my hips, smiling lazily. Deliberately shifting her hands to my waist, and untying the belt of the pale, rose color robe that I covered myself with and exposing the soft skin there. Fingers slowly sliding up, cupping my breasts, and rubbing sensually against the nipples that immediately harden under her touch. My head lifts and the back arches as a soft moan escapes my mouth, her thumbs toying with me in such a way that causes me to growl, both wanting to throw those hands off of me and beg her to never stop. I bit on my mouth, feeling my teeth graze dangerously rough against it the skin there, feeling a drop of blood on the tip of my tongue.
So bad for me, yet so good.
I mouth to her, as her eyes pull me into something deeper than both of us put together. Something I cannot call, and don’t dare to name. Feeling that if I ever did, that current that swirls around me in her presence might drown me and cause me to never return. I could not yet decipher if that was a good thing for me or not. I watch her smile turn even lazier as her hands drift down to my waist and then to my bare back, nails hungrily tasting the skin there. Gliding her sharp edges against my muscles, drawing eager lines, and painting her needs so freely, allowing me to read her without any words ever needed. My back strains from all the energy that fills me up instantly, threatening to explode and overflow me without mercy. Almost forcefully, I grab her wrists, moving her hands away from me and pinning them down by her sides.
Her eyes flash a deep green light, yet she doesn’t do anything to stop me, the corners of her lips lifting in a hungry manner. I smile at that and let her go for a moment; slipping out my robe smoothly, eyes never drifting from hers, keeping her locked in my firm gaze. I push her slightly back on the bed and watch her as my hands glide up her legs, pressing my thumbs into the skin and then gripping her knees. Spreading them wider without any warning; making her gasp sharply, her chest rising and falling with effort. Then something unexpectedly shifts in her, eyes narrowing like that of a cat, energy simmering. The bright side of the moon turning into the dark one. I feel like swallowing but can’t seem to move one muscle or a fiber, somehow frozen by the sight. Stopped in time and stranded in the center of everything.
I won’t give you permission.
She states and my eyes darken, unblocking the temporary paralysis, blue light pouring out of my hands like a slow pulsating smoke, crawling intently in her direction, a growl tickling my throat. She doesn’t react in any way, just mouths with a warning this time.
You’re just going to have to take it on your own.
I feel her challenging me and the beast in me that I normally keep tamed, stirs in me eagerly, its jaws clapping with satisfaction, prompting me to make a move. I let it roam in my veins for a moment, closing my eyes and feeling every atom and simmering particle of the blue energy dancing around in me. It feels good, spreading and expanding in unsteady waves, gliding against my muscles and coating my bones with sticky dripping thirst. Mmm, that black molasses on the soul. The beast in me gets impatient and I smile. Itch, itch, itch. Tap, tap, tap, scratch. Like nails scraping against fine wooden floors, releasing their rich, old smell. My smirk spreads and yet I don’t soothe the beast, not letting it rule me completely. No matter what, I always desired some form of control. Giving in into my demons, but never letting them take over completely. Instead of bowing to them, joining them for the ride as equals. Always as equals. Just like with her.
My right hand grabs tightly on her knee, never leaving the spot, while the other hand moves slowly up her thigh, the line of her hip, and sinks into her soft waist. I watch her every reaction, listening to every inhale and rushed breath, my eyes hungry and burning, but my movements gradual, almost calculated. As if a traveler experiencing the cosmos for the very first time, hungry for each star, flickering light, and every sigh of the dark matter. Ready to taste colors, clusters, and her night sky on my tongue. My nails start to move against her skin, playing with her side and stomach like an instrument, creating my favorite symphony that I still had yet to learn. I learn it every lifetime all over again. I hear her purr softly under my touch, eyes closed and a smile lingering against her slightly parted lips. I lean down, tasting the tip of her tongue and then grazing my teeth against her lower lip, grabbing it lightly, sucking and pulling on it a bit before smiling and drifting lower, giving attention to the length of her jaw. Then her neck and my favorite place; the gentle line of her collarbones, enjoying the feel of her pulse under my mouth. My hands drifting to her back and unhooking the bra, freeing her from any unnecessary layer of material, not wanting anything between us.
Mmm, mmm.
I look up at her and notice that her eyes have become a deep emerald shade, flickering small embers of fires between intense stripes of blue. Such a contrast. I think to myself and bore my eyes into her, my hand moving up higher to her shoulder and across her chest. Very slowly, I drive my fingernail in the middle of her ribcage and trace it down carefully between the breasts, and down to her lower stomach, leaving a straight sharp burning line there, marking what’s mine. Feeling the blood in my veins boil every time her body jumps from the contact of my nail against the sensitive skin there, uncontrolled shaky echoes of moans escaping her throat. Her eyes open without warning, green energy blazing around her dilated pupils, spreading out and dancing around the eyelashes. Tiny specks of sweet madness touching her cheekbones. Her hands move suddenly to my shoulders to draw me into her, but I block her even faster, grabbing her wrists and pinning them above the head of the bed.
No, play nice, little one.
I mouth and she growls somewhere from her lungs. It wasn’t easy when you could barely hear yourself and distinct traces of your own voice, but such sounds did not require instruction. No, they definitely did not. I gaze at her and pin her hands tighter, pushing my hips against her to make sure she doesn’t move even by an inch. I inhale deeper and use my other hand to reach out for my robe, slipping its belt slowly out and then tying it around her wrists. Her eyes narrow at that. I could always tell when she was torn between possessing and being possessed. She might have been a delicate creature at heart, yet her fires ran deep, deeper than anyone could even imagine. Except her. She knew exactly how to coax the flames from under her skin.
I watch her as her legs stir impatiently under me.
Patience is virtue, love.
I say and fasten the ends of the belt to a small hook attached to the back of the headboard. Subtle and away from curious eyes.
Mmm, I will make it... worth your time.
I whisper by her ear, knowing that she understands the meaning behind my soundless words, my voice leaving vibrations against the heated skin. Without rush I kiss her neck, sucking on the skin there and hearing her pleased muffled cries, gazing at her closed eyes and intensifying my energy, waiting until her eyelids flutter and she catches my stare. I put both of my index fingers in the center of her chest, and then drag them down at a steady pace, watching her gasp sharply as the nails reach her lower stomach. Moving under the edge of her underwear and pulling it down, smiling as she automatically raises her hips, releasing her from the last threads of unnecessary clothing, and running my lips against her legs as I do so.
The night sky never tasted so good.
I whisper and glide my fingers up the strings of the exquisite violin in the form of her thighs, and the lines of those gentle curves. Imagining Bach, Mozart, and bits of Rachmaninoff’s piano concerto number 2 mixing, blending, and swelling in my veins in such magnificent indescribable ways, rubbing against them and scorching their edges. Each vibration and instrument begging for my attention as my own symphony opens up to her. Starting on the outskirts of her yearning constellations and tracing the skin with starved hands, playing her, strumming her, causing her to reach the most delicious and highest notes that her unique voice could allow. Tasting her stars deeper and deeper in my mouth until her whole body rises, tensing in the most excruciating pleasure, my nails digging into her hips, steadying her as she trembles beneath me in the most vulnerable surrender, a supernova dying and coming back to life.
***
I feel her stroking my back gently, tracing the line of my spine and painting unknown patterns against my skin while I lay on my stomach, the night embracing us under its deep shadows. I smile and slowly shift around, gazing at her and those warm eyes, her green energy twinkling softly in the otherwise dark room. Only the street lamps and the fading light of the moon coloring our bodies. I shift a strand of her hair behind the ear and gaze at her. She tilts her head and searches my face for something, lifting slightly and wrapping the white sheets against her chest higher, her hands shifting and moving in a curious manner.
“How are your energy levels doing?”
I furrow my eyebrows not enjoying coming back to reality again. I lift my hands and answer her slowly.
“They are good, I’m sure you can sense it, depending on how deeply you just felt me.”
Even in the dark, I can see a faint blush cover her cheeks, yet she doesn’t let me drift her attention elsewhere for long.
“Still, I want to know.”
“They are stable, relaxed. Because of you, for many reasons.”
She nods.
“Tell me how the situation looks now, with the... girl.”
She hesitates at the last word as if she wanted to say something else but stopped herself at the last moment. I don’t ask her what it was.
“Its... I’m working on it.”
She exhales slowly and looks at me with concern. I try for the irritation not to set, it doesn’t seem to be worth it, everything around still feeling so good. I didn’t want to drift too far away from it yet. Nevertheless, I decide to pick honesty.
“It’s a struggle at times as you can tell. I’m strong, but not used to such circumstances.”
She nods thoughtfully and then picks up one of my hands, inspecting it gently. Gazing at the wounds that were already halfway healed. There was no pain to it, just the view of marks slowly fading. I wasn’t bothered by it, just by what caused it. Now that, truly made my blood sizzle and muscles itch in hungry frustration. She lets go of my hand and takes a little while before asking, her eyes still on my hands.
“Tell me. Tell me how these got worse.”
I don’t answer and she looks at me with more intensity, so many feelings painted on her face.
“Tell me why I felt your essence, being almost torn apart to shreds. Tell me why my chest wanted to explode with yours for that one excruciating moment?”
It’s my turn to flinch this time. I didn’t care about the pain, it was as ordinary for me as breathing. My training didn’t go smoothly from the very beginning, it took a lot of work to get to a point where I was now. So it was irrelevant for me if I felt it, just as long as I would stand tall in the end. A slayer, a conquer. But the thought of her having to experience my pain, to cause her to hurt - that was unacceptable. I sit up, not bothered by my bare form, and sign to her with increasing guilt.
“I’m sorry, I had no idea what would happen.”
Something in her becomes smaller and the sight of that - that was a definition of true pain for me. Nothing else could ever hurt me in such a way.
“It’s not your fault.”
“That could be debatable.”
“It doesn’t matter, just tell me about it.”
I nod and try to calm down my feelings and sensations.
“I realized who she was, even if I still don’t have all the answers yet, shifting through the dark like a blind person. But still, I gained confidence about her, and about what she could do to our kind. I knew what I had to do.”
“So you released it.”
Her hands seem to almost whisper as she moves them carefully.
“Yes, some of it. But it didn’t work the way I expected it to.”
I inhale deeper, sensing something wanting to get off my chest. As if needing to speak of it, admitting to it. Such a new feeling for me to experience.
“It did not work. Instead, it took vengeance on me. My powers attacked me, Wren. They attacked me and I could not stop them.”
I look to the side and notice the moon slowly emerging between the clouds of a calm summer night. It soothes me in a way, even though my hands seem to fight me as I sign to her the next words.
“I could. Not. Stop them. Me.”
She inhales sharply and then without warning grabs my arms above the wrists and wraps her fingers around them tightly, grabbing my attention again. I gaze at her and the energy, that suddenly swirls faster in her eyes, escaping her fingertips and burning my skin. My eyes grow a bit wider but I know it’s her turn to speak.
It won’t stop you.
Her energy penetrates me to the deepest layers and finally, I exhale. She lets go of me and signs with calm but sizzling power.
“That’s just a minor detour on your path. But you’re stronger than all of that. You just have to find your steady grounding.”
I watch her chest lift and fall, her breaths seeming so quiet mine.
“You need to reach out to her. You need to feel her to truly know what she’s made of. What she is capable of.”
She stops for a second and then grabs my chin, searching for something in my eyes.
And then... you will know what to do.
I watch the words come out of her mouth and nod in agreement, her fingers still holding my chin. Yes, it was time for a proper confrontation. It was rather overdue by now. The time was right to finally taste the dark matter with her own lips. And if it would taste bitter and deadly? Well then, all the more reason to do it. Whatever was to happen, action had to be taken, and not just the half measures. And not just that; a new approach was required and she planned to do anything to achieve her goal. No more delaying. Gravity was pulling her in just the right direction. All she had to do, was let it.
_____
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