Holes and memories

There's this friend of mine with such an incredible memory. She remembers everything that happened years ago, date, time, who laughed and who didn't, the grade we were in. When she starts to narrate stories about me, I think, this is so funny, God I was so stupid and wow, how embarassing but it's always like she is talking about someone else, someone that's not even a distant memory for me even though she is me.

And it's sad because it's not like I don't remember stuff. I do, just not the good ones. I remember the terrible things, some crazy mean stuff some adult or mate said to little innocent gentle me down to the time and the way they were sitting or standing when they said it. But I never remember what came after it or what was before it. Just that one terrible sentence and what it did to me years after.

It is kind of funny because the little me was hurt, yes, but it wasn't until I had grown up enough to know how broken I should be because of all those hurtful little things that I truly became broken. Those things happened to me as a kid but I was still okay. And now I am not.

It's like there's this big hole of despair, low self-esteem, physical and verbal abuse right in the middle of my memory. Hole so big I can't even decipher what good ever felt like or what being a child ever felt like.

But it's all good. I'm making new ones now and I hope that years from now, the fact that I'm, was, ever sad or broken, the bad times will be the distant memories. I just really wish things could be okay really quickly.

Anyone know where I can find a time machine? Anyone? No one?

Fine I'll just wait.