re: when i try not to think. into the trench i sink.
it must be so nice being married to a man who never tells you youre wrong, or challenges you in any real way. the most he does for you is earn money for you to spend on things that adorn your body for a week, until it’s ‘out of style’. or vacations, memories that reside in a collection of beer mugs that you drink out of with your friends regularly. seems like a pretty normal, average, basic life. why are you so angry? how often do you use violence to solve problems with your kids? how often do you use subversive, manipulative tactics to solve problems with them?
i don’t envy you, but i sure do think of you. the way a dog thinks of its chain to a tree. or a mafioso thinks of the cement on its feet.
a lot of what you said was true and that’s why i can’t forget it. but that’s your disease, isn’t it? you find the person’s weakest point, and apply pressure until it warps and bends and becomes strained white and clear and a poor representation of what it once was. it doesn’t feel good. but at least i know i can handle anything now. i’m not not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of what you can do. i realize your ripples only account for a tiny part of the lake… and the ocean doesn’t even notice.
remember that time you were so vain that you thought this post was about you?
i love the ocean. the salt. the noise. the movement. nothing can remain the same, it all must be moving or degrading or swimming or living or dying. everything has a purpose. everything gets used. how efficient. the water is like our earth’s lungs, helping to filter air and provide a source of gas exchange. there’s nothing wrong with imagining sitting at the bottom of the ocean. the quiet is so loud here, the pressure of the universe of water will make your blood start to cook itself. pressure can make anything turn.
someone once told me that there are no spurs big enough to get a horse to do what it doesn’t want to do. that’s true. there are limitations to what physical measures can be taken. and the psychological pressures that we apply to each other seem much more prudent, keen, successful. but see, one is harming the body. the body that the mind has managed to forget about most of the time. physical pressure applied to this object will coincidentally serve as a reminder of the body, and the difference between the body and the brain, and can generate vehemence. a death for a purpose. psychological pressure explores the deepest ravines of the mind; a full mariana’s trench probe; taking into account the things that make you weak at your weakest source. psychological pressure, warfare, abuse, manipulation… is always more damaging than physical, since the wounds tend to last longer. the deep psychological wounds start to fester and erode the physical part. soon, your mind’s pain becomes real, physical pain - a twisted ankle, a tight neck, herniated disc, headaches.
but, someone explored all of earth and yet, she manages to be okay. we should follow that lead. let others explore us. go into our deepest depths with their flashlights and their cameras and their minds built by science to identify every nook, cranny, and creature that exists. dig down deep and find the unique things that your mind can do. let them see it. let them judge it. you will hurt but you will be fine. you can’t take this body into your next life anyway.
like the salt and the sea.
i carry you with me.
over and over we turn and we roll
crashing crashing onto the shoal.
don’t wait too lung, my friend…
the Sun arrives soon, and from that, i cannot defend.
like the salt and the sea.
you live in my memory.
a taste so coarse and poignant.
all that’s similar brings me back to this moment.
like a highlight reel, only with everything -
the bad, the pain, the blood, the lies.
you said you wouldn’t play my game…
filter the salt, so the sea is purified.
who will survive?
who has the fight?
you’ll have to work so hard just to make it through one night.
and do the same again and again - for all eternity.
maybe we should leave the salt in the sea...