The End

Hum I always have issues with writing on these challenges. I type something then it I don't know disappears. But I'll try again. Well I'm here at the same juncture in my life again. Fault of no one else but my own. For years I've told myself it's ok to get drunk get high do whatever. No I haven't made it very far so far.

Growing up drinking smoking were just part of the territory. Well 30 or so plus years it's finally became obvious I can't do this anymore. In and out of homelessness. Shelters get a job get place to live gradually drink and drug myself into no job and enough money left for two months rent.

My last job I really needed to be fired. I got high in the bathroom I drank dollar shots in the dry store. I started drinking more going to work than I had drank in years.

So after my final fuck you to a co-worker who also is like the caretaker of apartment I live in. When I first moved in he wasn't to thrilled that I lied about having a job. But I did have like four months rent.

So because I was so panicked about getting a job to pay rent I took a job at corner store where he just got hired. It was ok just not too supportive I mean I was given a key to open the store after three four days training.

Neighbors from the same apartment building are meth addicts. Hadn't used meth since I moved. A guy a young kid found a play. His play was to have me hook him up free stuff cigs chips for meth. Well ok.

So started my crazy betrayal and double life at my job. So now I'm unemployed have my rent paid for November and have a money order ready for December. Ok here is my best plan yet.

I usually panic get worried sick what am I going to do? Lay awake get up trembling inside. None of this fear or fret will go away. So what do I do I drink. This at least occupies my time and puts me to sleep at night.

But here's the vision I am believing to find strength for. No more frantically putting in job applications. Interviewed hospital cook waiting background and references but.... Cancelled interviews with Arby's and Walmart. Have interview tomorrow with public schools for janitor. I'm high now friend came by. I can't go to interview high.

This is the fake lie I've been telling myself. It's ok maybe nobody will know. Well the problem is I do know and I don't want to keep this crap up anymore. My anxiety and fear not having anybody to support me walk with me , or so it seems, makes me go at all possible avenues. I need a job but I really want to make peace with myself. I would rather learn to be stay and want to be honest.

Not having a lot getting by with the real simple basics isn't a horrible thing to me. But having an addiction and making people not know it has become the end for me. So hopefully just realizing that the answer is rather simple and it's been done before I can fundamentally make a huge change.

So here's to me being totally honest there is something that has become a total lie I've used to make a defense for myself. Not sure. Something like as long as I know I've done the most I could to get healthy mentally mostly then I should focus only on what's best for me.

One big lie to self is "everybody" knows what I've done or doing so that makes me less than everybody else.

Hum? This got away didn't it.

Here's what I'm trying to say. I can't keep having a life that I have to hide from people. I really want to change. So we'll see. Stop freaking over jobs bills etc. Relax this could be my last chance to get it