Trinity (26)

It’s Tuesday, and everything seems wrong, mostly because everything is right. Everything is normal. But it’s also not.

I spent yesterday evening with my headphones jammed into my ears, the volume turned up so loud that my mom came in to check on me. I figured I could drown out my thoughts with sound, and it kind of worked, but maybe that was on account of a blossoming headache.

I ended up wasted a lot of time switching songs and bands and genres, trying to find one that would both distract me and help me focus. I tried ‘soothing’ piano, but it was too mellow; I changed to alternative music, but there were too many words for me to focus; I skipped Naya Bloom entirely, that brought up weird memories. I bounced from rock to jazz to soul to oldies to movie soundtracks. Nothing worked, but I eventually settled on an indie electronic band called ‘Asteroid Moons’, because the sheer chaos of their tracks felt right.

And at this moment, I have a strange desire to shove some earbuds in and listen to their music now, to drown out everything around me until I’m just the chopped up chords of an electric guitar and a steady but overwhelming drum beat.

But I don’t, primarily because I’m standing in a school where it is technically a violation to wear earbuds. Not that anyone ever minds.

And as I methodically pull books from my locker, Pearl leans against the locker beside me--Lacy Rawlins’--and chipperly babbles away. She’s got her hair pinned neatly halfway up and halfway down, uniform smoothed, pristine white tennis shoes on. She greeted me immediately as I stepped foot on Saint Paul’s campus, and hasn’t stopped to take a breath since.

First period starts in two minutes, and I’m wondering if she’s going to use any of that time to do anything other than yammer on about Katherine Davies.

Katherine Davies was, at some point, the most popular girl in our class. I didn’t know her as such, and neither did Pearl, because her reign of popularity ended in fifth grade, which, by coincidence, is when both of us began at Saint Paul’s.

It was in fifth grade that Samantha Cross, Katherine’s best friend (at the time) hit a growth spurt and started wearing her hair in neat curls, pulling all the attention off of Katherine--who was pretty, but not as pretty as Sam.

Katherine tried to remain Sam’s friend, but even I remember noting Sam’s dismissive, and occasionally quite cruel, treatment of her so-called best friend. Sam is the one, in fact, that started the rumor about Katherine stealing her mom’s diet pills--a rumor that continues to crop up now, four years later.

In the years since then, Katherine has migrated to new friend groups, first to the drama kids, though that didn’t last long, and then on to the volleyball girls. At first, this was of some amusement to Sam, who pointed out that Katherine ‘didn’t have the body for sports’.

This, unsurprisingly, had quite an adverse effect on Katherine, who, apparently, still struggles with her appearance. She ended up gaining more weight in the end, not because she’s not taking care of herself, but because her body is built differently than the slim figure of Samantha Cross.

Fast forward to just last year, when she started dating Henry. She calls it a ‘brief’ period when asked, but it was really almost two months, which isn’t bad when you’re in eighth grade.

Katherine and Henry bonded over religion, mostly, and often went to volunteer together, instead of typical dates. On days when they didn’t see each other in person, they’d call and pray together over the phone. She focused all her attention on him, so that he would have to focus all his attention on her. She is, after all, a middle child in a family with six kids, and will do almost anything for attention.

This is all information that I (mostly) knew already, but Pearl explains it all to me at lightning speed, using a hushed and secretive tone that suggests that it's all top-secret. It’s pointless, really, because she knows just as well as I do that I know most of this, because our school is small and it’s virtually impossible to keep a secret when you’re a part of Saint Paul’s student body.

I’m half-listening, and first period is about to start, and did I finish that history assignment?

I let her follow me to my first-period classroom, and I realize I haven’t said a word to her since a surprised ‘hello’ when I first saw her. I open my mouth, but the school bell rings, and I step backwards into my history class, safely across the threshold, and she startles and strides away mid-sentence.

So. I suppose Pearl is speaking to me again, at least.

. . .

The rest of the school day passes by in a blur. Pearl isn’t avoiding me; in fact, she seems to be seeking me out, and then talking my ear off. Not just about Katherine, about other things, too--anything, it seems like. This TV show she saw a week ago, what feedback she’s anticipating on her English paper, the skateboard trick she saw Dylan do in the parking lot.

I wish we could actually talk, but I’m also not sure what we’d really say. At this point, I’m not even sure what we need to talk about anymore.

What’s really annoying, though, is that I want to have a conversation. About the thoughts floating around in my head, the doubts. Fears. And without Pearl, I’m realizing that I don’t have anyone to talk to.

There’s Maggie, who I guess is my friend, but I can’t talk about any serious stuff with her. It would be weird. And plus, she’d tell everyone else about everything. I think even if I got her to swear secrecy, Mary Kate would still find out.

There’s Henry, but he’s still suspended for another day after his fight with Andrew. And even if he wasn’t, I’m not sure we know each other well enough for me to confide in him. I suppose I do know all of his secrets, but I didn’t learn about them by choice.

And lastly, there’s Kelly. Surprisingly, I think he’s the classmate that probably knows me the most, other than Pearl. Then again, he knew me when I was younger, and I’ve changed, haven’t I? Either way, he’s not an option. Considering that he’s part of the thought-stew in my brain right now, I would rather shrivel up and die than have a conversation with him about him.

And so my great, big revelation for Tuesday is that I really only have one friend.

. . .

At the final bell, I rush down the hall, but not to my locker. I pull a folded-up sheet of paper from my skirt pocket, already slightly worn from the number of times I’d touched it throughout the day to make sure it was still there.

I’d told Maggie that I needed to work on homework during lunch, but I still sat with her and the others first before slipping away to the computer lab. I’m honestly glad I got away--the mood seemed a little off, what with Mary Kate inviting Charles Lee to sit with us. Apparently they're a ‘thing’, and Maggie hadn’t known about it until that instance.

I’ve just reached Pearl’s locker, and I carefully wedge the note in between the slats in Pearl’s locker, hoping that it doesn’t get lost amongst her things. Or maybe it would be better for it to get lost. I don’t know.

It was a spur-of-the-moment idea, but I hadn’t been able to shake it once I thought of it, so I took that time in the computer lab to write her a note. Since we can’t talk in person--well, we can, but it’s been difficult for some reason--maybe this will work?

I duck away from her locker before she can get a chance to see me.

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(first part: https://theprose.com/post/432343/trinity)

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(previous part: https://theprose.com/post/447824/trinity-25)

(next part: https://theprose.com/post/448999/trinity-27)