The party was like a snake, slowly wrapping around the guests until they could no longer move - the dance floor empty, the balconies sparse. Maybelle let her sandals dangle off one finger, tired and unwilling to move.

Cassidy, Taylor, and Daysha were still gathered around a cocktail table, empty glasses pushed to the side to make room for a tarot card reading. Maybelle had gone to the bathroom then decided to wait here, near the doors, instead of making her way back over. Her feet hurt and her head felt muddied a little as she leaned against a pillar and admired the ballroom.

It had been a surprise that her friend group had even been invited. Chelsea and Brian had gotten engaged, which had been the absolute talk of campus, for the seniors at least. Maybelle couldn't imagine being engaged; hell, she'd never even had a romantic partner before. And then they'd thrown the most grand engagement party their college had ever seen, thanks to Chelsea's family fortune. Campus was small, and pretty much all the seniors knew each other, but Maybelle still hadn't expected the little champagne-accompanied invitation at her apartment door. Maybe Chelsea left one at everyone's door.

The party was held in a historical building just off campus, only a ten minute walk for Maybelle and her friends, but they'd never been inside before today. It was once a grand hotel, according to the plaques, and standing inside it now, Maybelle wished she could time travel back and see it in its full, bustling glory.

She imagined butlers holding leather suitcases in their gloved hands, trolleying them up to the rooms that now held snack tables and offices. Women wearing pearls and little hats would walk into the ballroom, short heels clicking on the marble floor. They'd watch the men at the bar across the way, adjust their lipstick and pretend they didn't notice when the men watched them back.

Maybelle looked up into the sparkling chandeliers, across at the staircase winding up to the balcony, watching two people she vaguely knew flirt with each other, bumping shoulders and suppressing smiles. The ballroom was almost empty now, just a scattering of people at its edges, hidden partially by the large flower arrangements - pink roses and massive fern leaves. Chelsea and Brian were long gone now, and the warm lighting was dim, the pop music replaced by generic Muzak drifting faintly through the room.

"Still here, Maybe?"

Calvin stood just on the other side of the pillar she was leaning against. She was surprised he hadn't brought his friends around with him. They'd been lingering around her table all evening, making jokes while the rest of them rolled their eyes. At one point Maybelle had to pull Taylor away from body-slamming Seb, who kept telling her that her red dress made her look like a crab.

"Still don't know how to tie a tie?" she quipped automatically, peering around the pillar at him. He'd shown up with a knotted tie that, while maybe technically correct, looked horribly uneven. Now it hung over his neck completely undone, pulling her eyes to the unbuttoned button on his dress shirt.

She moved at the same time he did, and they ended up toe-to-toe, looking at each other. Maybelle didn't like that she was close enough to see the beginning of stubble on a face she considered to be always cleanly shaven. "I didn't realize you'd care so much," he said, looking down at their feet. His were in worn tennis shoes, despite the rest of his outfit being formal, and hers were bare. "Forgot how to wear shoes?"

"If you keep staring I'll assume you have a fetish," she told him. "At least I tried." Maybelle held her small pastel pink sandals in between them, brushing them against his stomach and causing Calvin to take a step back.

He narrows his eyes, a familiar expression to her. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know?" She knew he was referring to the fetish comment, but she didn't engage. Boys were predictable, and predictably, he trailed after her when she said nothing and walked around him.

When she reached her table of friends, he was just a step behind. What she hadn't noticed was Seb had squeezed himself between Taylor and Daysha, and Cassidy was explaining his tarot cards to him.

"Basically it means you're gonna die," Taylor interjected melodramatically.

Daysha laughed, and Cassidy shook her head. "No, it doesn't." Cassidy's long fingers splayed over the Three of Swords, and she directed her intense gaze on Seb. "It means heartbreak; you think you've found what you're looking for but it falls through your fingers, lost, leaving you feeling isolated. Not necessarily over a person, even."

"Heartbreak over something other than a person? Sounds like Seb. He'll probably lose his last save in a video game or something," Calvin laughed.

Seb held both index fingers up in front of him. "Whoa, man. As if you have any more game than I do. All that Magic the Gathering is like girl-repellant."

"I'm actually extremely sought-after," Calvin tried to say, but Taylor drowned him out with, "At least he's actually nice to people sometimes." Even though she was a foot shorter than Seb, she was still the most intimidating person Maybelle knew. Luckily for Seb, they were all well aware that Taylor would actually rather sleep with him than strangle him, despite the way she acted.

The rest of them let Taylor and Seb argue, and Cassidy spun her arms around, her long, bat-winged sleeves almost knocking over an empty glass. "Calvin! Your turn for a reading."

He picked up a card suspiciously, moving in towards the table, brushing up against Maybelle's side. "I don't think so."

Cassidy deftly took the card back and shuffled the deck. "If you play something called Magic then I'm sure you'll survive this," she told him breezily.

He made a grim but thoughtful expression, and Maybelle laughed into her hand. He turned at the sound, pinning her with eyes like a hawk. "Fine." Lower, he said to Maybelle, "But put those away, or I'll be too distracted to pay attention." He glanced under the table at her feet, and she huffed.

"Yeah, right. You could make an effort to just not look at me at all, how about that?"

Calvin snorted. "Easily." And Maybelle accidentally caught Daysha wiggling her eyebrows at her. Cassidy had a more subtle satisfied smile on her face. Her friends thought that Calvin and Maybelle's bickering actually meant something, but Maybelle was less convinced.

Calvin was an ever-present distraction, Maybelle knew that. They shared three classes this semester, and each one felt like another opportunity for him to show her up. He was stupidly smart and wildly good at debating, whereas Maybelle was good on paper and couldn't speak when other people looked at her. She'd endured his presence since freshman year, when they'd gotten to know each other during a group debate in a philosophy class. Despite being on the same side of the debate, he had successfully humiliated her by writing out an argument for her to say. It had been riddled with nonsensical and pretentious phrasing, and when she stumbled over her words he'd swooped in like a savior. She wished for every moment after that that she had just broken from his script, but her mind always went blank in moments where she most needed it.

From there Maybelle had poured all of her energy into what she was good at: thinking ahead. She let him have his debates, but she aced every written test and paper. They continued to play this game in their classes today - the two of them consistently had the highest grades in every one of their classes. She knew there was a good chance he liked her, but now that the end of senior year was approaching, what was the point? And besides that, did she like him?

Cassidy was beckoning Calvin close, whispering something as he bent across the table to hear it. Maybelle was jostled by Taylor, who had come around to the other side of the table after calling Seb a dickweed. Maybelle had completely zoned out and missed Calvin's reading, and was beginning to feel the full weight of the night. It was late.

She saw the cards on the table: Seven of Cups for the past, a reversed Eight of Wands for the present, and The Lovers for the future. Maybelle didn't have any of the meanings memorized, but the last one felt self-explanatory. She pushed away from the table, fairly sure Cassidy was in control of the cards, not that she'd ever accuse her friend of that to her face. But in this case it seemed likely.

Taylor took this opportunity to pull her to the side, nearly poking them both in the eye with ferns. "How does my makeup look?" She peered through the leaves back at the table, now a few feet away.

Maybelle did a once-over of her friend. "You literally look like you did at the beginning of the night. Still stunning." It was true, not even a hair was out of place on her blonde head. She must've used a lot of hairspray. Taylor waved a hand. "So my face isn't red or anything? Seb's such a bastard."

After a sigh, Maybelle said, "Yeah, you always say that."

Crossing her arms, Taylor looked at Maybelle. "Alright, Sassy. I hear you complain about Calvin all the time so I don't wanna hear it. Speaking of, why didn't you dance with him?"

Now Maybelle frowned over at the rest of the group. Calvin was still talking to Cassidy, pointing at his cards. His hair was kind of mussed. "He never asked."

Taylor let out a prolonged groan. "This isn't the fifties. You guys have rom-com levels of sexual tension. You could have asked him."

Scrunching up her nose, Maybelle turned back to Taylor. "I don't think that's accurate. And what about you and Seb?" Immediately Taylor's chin jutted into the air, but she said nothing, which was a telling sign. "Taylor? Did something happen?" It would be a relief.

"I might be going to his place tonight. Maybe."

Maybelle internally squealed and externally couldn't stop a grin. "Oh my god, finally."

Taylor was two inch shorter than Maybelle even with her heels on, but she managed to still give the impression of looming over her. "Not a word. It's totally casual, but just, feels right."

Daysha was calling their names, so Maybelle just nodded back, grin still in place. Taylor smiled a little too, contrasting it by saying, "But I might not. Just maybe."

"Maybe, maybe, maybe." The rest of the group was wandering over, minus Cassidy, who was putting her cards away. But it was Calvin, who was behind Daysha and Seb, who had spoken. 'Maybe,' his nickname for Maybelle.

Her eyes skimmed over him, but she then pointedly ignored him. When Cassidy joined them, Maybelle noticed how quiet the ballroom had become. Nearly empty, as it was probably approaching 2 AM. When they opened the hotel's large front doors, a gust of cold night air hit them, sending goosebumps down Maybelle's bare arms.

Maybelle watched Taylor mutter something to Seb, who had to bend down to hear her, then they parted, Seb going left and Taylor going right. Daysha and Cassidy turned right and called goodbye to the boys. Maybelle was last to descend the hotel's stairs, and she watched Calvin, tie almost lifted off his shoulders by the wind, turn left with the barest wave of his hand. Without saying goodbye, he walked away.

Her bare feet hit the cold sidewalk, damp from a little rain, and she turned right to follow her friends back. But she did turn back once, just to look, but he was just a shadow in the night by then.

triangles of tissue paper

held upside down and

held between two fingers

like a dying bird

you have become the most

ordinary version of yourself,

the one who can bend into

a high street kind of shape

when did being human

become important to you

brown paper bag souls

sold by the pound on the

street corner by your house

the world is simple when

you make yourself simple

but the divide becomes

ever clearer, the illusion

rats living in the world's

most glamorous sewer

gnawing on bones, rags,

tissue paper, and souls

until they can no longer

remember the warmth

of their own sun

my life's too easy

to feel so listless

i'm always asking the page to tell me something new:

the next words,

the next step,

the next thing to believe

is that what i am, just empty-headed?

a monster of society's making, pinched into

shape by the people standing nearby to me?

glass towers never looked so empty,

even when they shimmer like crystal

take my words, spin them like silk into scarves

lay them at eye-level and tell me something

i don't know

bare my chest

my neck, my shoulders, my thighs

touch this skin

but you're incapable of seeing

what's just inside

i'm afraid of being seen but you

don't see it

you may force these words

from my lips or from the page

and still

they drop meaninglessly into your palms,

my lifeblood, my pain and love and sorrow -

my entire reality, in pieces, at your

fingertips and it all means nothing to you

you, who have not the keys to unlock them

you, who has not the courage to ask what it is

you, who has taken what i do not give

you, who still does not understand the power words hold

the power that i wield

and forget

for it and many other things have been used against me

and you are too blind

and i am too cowardly

and words rise and fall between us like the beating heart

dec 2 24

i listen

to

silence

on the other side of the line:

how well do I really know You?

vice versa and

inhale

how well do I really understand Us?

cause

i don't wanna be the girl that waits on the front porch

for you to get home, for you to take a phone call, for you

to break the silence

with words

that we're used to saying

because we're used to saying them

am

I really a coward and

if i'm not why do i feel like i am

you make me forget the world is horrifying

this makes me feel guilty

this makes me feel guilty

this

feels impossible to explain to you

exhale

because I don't know how I know You

and

what if You don't know Me either

you saw specks of light, fireflies,

falling through the air under the

street lamps, illuminated by the

headlights. but they were only

falling leaves.

they were just as beautiful.

you remembered that you

are human. there were two

accidents on the same road,

different cars, one on the way

there and one on the way back.

it gets dark so early and why

does that instill a terror in you?

you were reminded that you

are your own person, that

your existence does not depend

on another. the barista recognized

you, and - human kindness -

you were seen. all it took was for

him to ask you what's on your

jacket, and recognize the water

lilies on your wallet.

human minds are simple and

stupid. you were pleased, you

felt better about being alone.

you're not just a body or a

floating mind, and you've

always felt safe here, among

your people, in a coffee shop

you're moving away from.

you are not an accessory.

you have free will.

you do not lose personhood

because you are alone.

words were easy, you were alive.

things fell into place: you knew

where to look, even when you're

a little blind. you were brave in

ways no one else finds brave.

you found a friend, two, three.

you were not alone, you did

not drown. the stars came up,

the moon peeked through the

rainclouds, you parked your

car on the same street as the

person you knew the most, the

reason you'd crawled out of your

house in the first place. and in

the rain, he said a quick casual

bye, like it wasn't the last time

you might ever see each other

again.

sometimes you are too scared

to live, and sometimes

the universe gives you a hug

in the form of strangers

because it is ok, you are alive,

and you, alone and together,

are human.

11.14.24

parts of me , flecks of skin ,

want to shape this earthly body

into a shape that fits yours

in the heat death of the universe

i want to still be able to

hold that shape , want to still

love you like i always did

what if

my head doesn't always fit

on your shoulder ,

what if

it barely even stays on mine

i don't want the song lyrics

circling in my head to come true ,

not when we can sing about

the warmth of your arms instead

we stare into silence , but

that doesn't mean a thing

everything else means a thing

the way you look at me

means a thing , it must ,

it must on a universal level ,

because otherwise what is this

sometimes i wonder if

i fall in love too easy ,

even if it's rarely love and

so uncommon i don't

even know what it means

when time runs out ,

when the earth can't spin

any more , tell me you'll

still be trying ?

11.12.24

i am acquainted with monsters;

how do i know you're not one of them?

i am blind

and i am stupid.

life is perpetually not what it seems.

i seem happy, but who am i?

it breaks my heart.

i break my heart over and over again,

wondering who you are. picking at the

dirt on your soul and trying to see what's

underneath, please, let there be more

underneath.

giving you up would break my heart.

none of it was a secret,

and jokes are rarely jokes.

which just means i can only blame myself

for lying and deceiving myself. for

pretending that any of this is ok.

ok?

maybe it's unfair.

but that's what i hate about myself.

i am weak, and malleable.

i do not stand up for my people.

i can barely stand up myself.

it breaks my heart.

it breaks my heart.

naïve . eyes like shiny seashells .

you don.t see what you choose

not to see .

so . what do you desire . the

love of another or for their

mind to pulse at the same

rhythm .

how long can the sailor hide

his rowboat from the storm .

when he's traveled so far as

to no longer see the shore .

stranded forward . stranded

backwards too . left with a

single lantern still lit .

you believed you could have

what only the gods may have .

you believed the lantern

would be enough to guide

you . you are alone . you

are stranded . you don.t know

who you are without this ocean .

naïve . tired . and terrified of

using the oars to reroute .

you must . the saltwater is

bitter . it splits your tongue .

young. heart swollen as the

sun . too reckless and too

careful . built of deep sea

sand and shiny blue shells .

using the oars to reroute .

you must .

Orion,

Do you ever feel like two people? No, a hundred; a thousand? Do you ever think that freedom comes at such a cost, and that happiness does too?

I say, where does who I am end and who I become begin?

I am, in many ways, myself. But even that is everchanging as the reflections on a rippling water's surface. Constantly influenced. Constantly adjusting to the circumstances. Should I hold my own a little more? Should I be who I am or who I become?

In some ways, I am everything. All knowing, all powerful. King of my own destiny; maker of ideas and my own world. And yet none of it comes to fruition without people, or earth, or day, or night. Should the daylight take hold of me, I am one being. Should the night, I am another. It is the same of those around me. My face a mirror, a ripple, just light glinting off the edge of glass. Bouncing effortlessly from one state to the next.

I readjust. I am many people and many faces. One who is joyous, one who is tired. One who believes strongly, one who is weak. One who is adventurous, one who is cowardly. I have changed, and I no longer can distinguish selves from other.

There are two minds. Rational; dream. What the rational mind knows the dream mind rejects. What the dream mind conjures the rational mind denounces as impossibilities. I live in a thin space between the two, where both come to me, pleading, and I, knowing nothing and having no assurance, sit idly by and make rash judgements. I cannot be governed by either. For the rational mind rules with fear, and the dream mind with hope. Reality sits with me in between.

Who am I to deny a dream its influence? To let the promise of something beautiful be enough to wrap my fingers around it, grab it, let it drag me to its natural end. It sounds easy until the rational chides me. There is nothing so beautiful as to be worth the cost. There is no action without an opposing reaction. There is no such folly equal to following what is unproven; what is only a dream.

I am torn in two, or four, or eight. Continuously and indefinitely. Each face not recognizing the other. I am more soul than body, more space than presence. There is no end to what has no beginning.

Forgive me, I have written with no end in sight. I seek answers no mortal can give. Just know that I consider everything just so. And that for that, I am aggrieved. In this world I may only take one action per decision, and I handle each carefully. Forgive me, then, if I make the wrong one.

Yours truly,

Artemis

he said autumn's the best season to be in love. it's true that it's the most romantic, or, seems like it anyway. walks, hand in hand, through the ever-changing leaves. a muted color palette, and the coziness that comes from temperatures just a little cooler. i like to listen to fall music from the 60s; it's all about falling in love, enjoying the weather, how lonely hearts drift and want for another. so sappy. in the best way.

it felt like fall today, in every way. i baked cookies; the air was chilly; i'm still in love. some days everything's ok. i'm still afraid of the planet spinning, but i'm alright for now. i think too much, but i never decide anything at all. head full of loose piles of fall leaves and nothing else, sometimes. i caught the sunset out my window. opened the blinds and then closed them again, like an eye blinking, to watch the pink sky.

i like wearing tall socks to keep in the warmth. i like how he smiles when he knows he's in love, when he looks at me. i'm sure i have a smile just the same, it's just that i don't know mine, wouldn't recognize my own face. my ears get too cold, and i'm thinking i'll need to start wearing hats because i want to walk every park in the city during fall. i want to see every leaf before i go. before they go. i like feeling the weight of his arm over me, the comfort that he's there. we watched a show i used to love and i sang the theme song. the nights are long and warmer with him. the days still drag, the sun still cackles at my back, hidden, because i don't look at her. i want to know if autumn is the best season to be in love, but the only way i'll ever know is to be in love every other season as well. i want to. i want everything i've never wanted before. i want autumn walks and days and nights and warm drinks, telephone calls, long dresses, nose kisses, weekend cafes, silly keychains, reading side by side, blankets up to our necks, dinner with friends, strolls in the dark, leaves under our feet. this time, i want it all.

-

10/14/24