“The moon is beautiful isn’t it?”

I asked you that with full transparency

And despite the minimal distance between your shoulder and mine

You didn’t seem to mind

You flashed me a smile

Then before I knew it

Our fingers were intertwined

No words were spoken but an answer lingered in the air

Finally, you caressed my hair and answered

“I think the moon is beautiful.”

Somehow I misheard that moon as you

But I didn’t really care

I miss you

I know it’s not mutual

I miss you in the mornings and sob during the commute

I miss you when dusk takes over and I see the moon

I miss you in the whirlwind of life and the flickering static of lights at night

And I lie down in bed wondering when the stirring in my chest will cease and feel alright

But why?

There’s nothing to miss so this distance should feel like bliss

No more tiptoeing on egg shells and analyzing what’s amiss

No more unspoken animosities and apologies that always miss

No more what ifs and no more doubts

No more cuts from shattered fragments of trust

And no more constant breaks and rebounds

This is quiet but even then

I miss you still

I hate that I miss you

I really do

Because in spite of everything that has ensued, it feels like I’ll never stop yearning for you

What do I even miss?

I don’t miss my partner

Dating led to distress, distance and disruption

I miss the bashful boy within

My endearing friend who made plans on a whim

The person I was getting to know

The one who dished out witty quips

Even as he stumbled and tripped

Over words, over pebbles, flitting gazes but it really showed

The sincerity you held

The beginnings of friendship

A spark vanquished in the wind

Where did that unfiltered adoration go?

I have several decades

written into my calendar

but through all the years put on my tab

you're the only person that I have found a home in

I have air to breathe

yet you are the only air that fills me whole

I have warmth in me

yet you are the heat that I truly need

I have a life to live in,

a world to sleep in

yet the life I want to live is by your side

and the place I want to rest is in our bed

between the walls of our home

my muscles ache

and my soul cries out for you

it needs you close

this body of mine yearns to rest in your embrace

but it is my spirit

that constantly calls out your name

( that has not changed - it called for you

even when it did not know

how you feel

just inches away )

my being always cried for you,

and rebelled against the injustice caused by the lack of your presence

but now it is even LOUDER

singing about you after days spent in the turquoise depths

of the water

that soothed us both.

and after joining in our little sanctuary

by the ocean and sand,

it cannot stand the distance it has away from

your fingertips,

from your skin,

your touch

oh how it HOWLS at the most random moments

I am unwell

disconnected in the world I live in

breathing too shallow, too mundane to suffice

when the only time I can breathe deeply is by your side

this soul is lost even after given the map to its home

its pieces are not in place

I am a dislocated shoulder

constantly throbbing for you

I am unwell

without the warmth of my February sun

a winter's warmth glow

that carries heat throughout the year

I feel how you ache for me

and it's a pain that hits me double

as it is a pain that is also my own

it is the same

this ache filters through every layer of my skin

it vibrates in my muscles

it is a constant cacophony of sounds rushing through my bloodstream,

I do not speak all of this often

actually it is quite rare

but what you say with words

I say with my stare

I sing in the silence in-between that I know you sense

and hear it in a way

I am unwell

I function,

I attend life,

I attend people

the air in lungs is without any damage, that is true

and yet, in the end, I seem to be covered with tiny holes

a stained colored-glass letting in light

but not holding in warmth for too long

you're everything

you bind my particles and make them a galaxy

a magnificent cluster of stars

that expends every night

until it becomes your universe

I am your

universe

and you are mine

and all I want is to collide into you

and STAY

I wanted to share it,

my feelings even if they are mostly a flood now

but I try to focus on every little wave

so I can read their lines to you

just a tiny soul missing her home

I feel you through the light that you cascade over the ocean

but I need to touch you to once again feel human

I am without walls

I am without windows

I am without wooden floors

and concrete pavements

to our home

I'm re-building my wings

so the ocean can become

only a drop as small dewdrop

placed on a flame-colored rose

"Oh, lights go down

In the moment, we're lost and found

I just wanna be by your side

If these wings could fly

For the rest of our lives"

mostly feelings in me,

so communicating through songs

(something to start with

while there is too much ocean

in one small human being)