breath-gasp and other small rebellions
ain't it something—the way we parse our lungs into polite portions, like
granma's teacups lined up all pristine & proper on Sunday?
such
tiny
sips
of
sky
the body knows better. knows how to gulp-swallow-devour the world when we let it. when we don't cage it in business-casual breaths & conference-room dreams & fluorescent-lit desires.
see: the newborn's first raw scream
the lover's ragged gasp
the runner's victorious heave
the swimmer's desperate surface-break
& here we are, making do with these careful little breaths. these timid
micro-doses of existence. like we're afraid the universe might notice us
taking more than our share.
but listen,
the stars didn't explode into being
just so we could
inhale
in
mea
sured
doses
remember: every cell in your body descends from creatures who knew how to BREATHE, really breathe, who pulled oxygen from ancient seas & figured out how to scale mountains & sprint across savannas & sing whale-songs through ocean depths.
you are their wild inheritance.
so go ahead:
breathe like you mean it.
breathe like you're stealing fire from gods.
breathe like you remember what your atoms were
before they learned to play human.
because this thing you're doing now?
this shallow-chest half-life ventilation?
it's not breathing.
it's not living.
it's just
rehearsing
for
the
stillness.
Passion Plays
Rebecca was not only naked, she was also in an extremely compromised position when Buddy burst into their bedroom. Ramon, equally naked, was compromised as well, though less so than was his physically constrained lover. Ramon‘s surprise was immediately apparent, though his attitude changed quickly and naturally from shocked disbelief to defensive self-preservation. Rebecca’s initial reaction, oddly enough, was not surprise at being caught, but was a misplaced anger at Buddy’s unannounced intrusion into the bedroom... as if a man should have to knock before entering his own bedroom. “What is he doing here?” Was the first question that came to her mind, rather than, “what am I doing here?” Why was he not at work, where he belonged? And why didn’t the dumbass knock on the god-damned door? After all, was a vulgar scene with the mother of Buddy’s children as the starlet of the sordid play what he really wanted to stumble in on?
But, Buddy being Buddy, Rebecca wasn’t about to get too rattled, even though she was tied to the bedposts. After all, Rebecca’s primary weapon was her tongue, and that weapon was still free to be yielded at will, though the rest of her fortress was openly indefensible. Her tongue had, in the past, chastised, reasoned with, and sometimes even manipulated Buddy, though her husband was nothing if not level-headed and rightfully so, as the man had a lot to lose. And believing she understood the risks of doing what she was doing in their home in broad daylight, and having done similar things successfully many times prior, Rebecca had played this very scenario out a hundred times in her mind, a thousand times maybe; what she would do if he caught her? What she would say? The risk of getting caught was half of the excitement anyways. Besides, after nearly twenty years together she knew very well how to pull Buddy’s strings and how to push his buttons, so what was the worst that could happen? That he would ask for a divorce? Sadly, divorce would probably be the best thing for them both. She was even ready for it. She wouldn’t mind going back to work now that the kids were a little older. It would get her out more, allow her to meet new people. It might even be fun, especially as she would keep the house with half of what she and Buddy had built together in it, which was quite a lot. So although the initial shock of Buddy crashing in on her and Ramon had been unsettling, Rebecca actually felt a thread of hope, despite how things had gone down. It was almost a relief that Buddy knew her secret, and that a ball which she fully expected him to fumble was now in his court, as Buddy was so simplistic in his nature that it was likely he would barely understand the game that was being played here. That is not to say that Buddy was stupid. He was not that at all. Predictable was the better word.
Now then, if only he would come back, she thought. It had been… what? An hour now? She couldn’t see the clock which had been knocked to the floor during the scuffle. She was actually quite proud that her husband had put up such a fight. Who knew Buddy had it in him, to kick a muscular and younger man like Ramon’s ass so handily? Of course, he’d had an advantage from the start, having burst in while Ramon hovered over her with his own dick in his hands. It had not been an easy thing for Ramon to go from such an attitude and position directly into fighting mode, so the poor kid had gotten his ass kicked pretty much straight away. Still, who knew her Buddy was even capable of such speed and brutality? She certainly hadn’t. Perhaps she didn’t know Buddy as well as she thought she did? And wasn’t this the absolute worst time for her husband to start revealing hidden talents to her?
Yes she’d displayed anger after the initial shock, demanding that Buddy untie her, but her cursings had gone ignored. And now her legs were cramping, the muscles in them tightening high-up around her hips from being outwardly extended like this for so long. “Where the fuck is he?” Her frustrations boiling over she fought at the ropes, jerking as hard as she could this way and that, but her efforts only tightened the knots until her feet were numb and her wrists bloody. It was an absolute emotional roller coaster for her, being left here alone on the bed to wonder what was happening while being incapable to act. Where had Buddy taken Ramon off to? The kids would be coming home from school soon, and the thought of Austin or Callie walking in to find their mother like this began a new round of flailing from her, one that never-minded the numbness or the blood, but it was no use. She could not break herself free. “Fucking Ramon and his bondage shit!“ She screamed! “Ahhhhgggg! Shit! Shit! Shit!” But none of that did any good.
Unable to free herself through anger, and with nothing else to do, Rebecca began to cry. What the fuck? How had she gotten herself into this position, anyway? How had she allowed it to happen? But she knew the answer. Boredom was how, and Ramon had satisfied it. It was her friend Trish who took her to the gym when she hadn’t really wanted to go, dragging her there as though she knew that Rebecca would meet Ramon there, or someone like him; someone young, hot, and aggressive. Ramon’s come-ons had been fast and furious, his confidence magnetic, all of it together creating a delicious whirlwind inside her that demanded release. His lovemaking had also been fast and furious; full of games, tricks, and surprises, unlike Buddy’s ritualistic fumblings. But that wasn’t really fair, was it? Buddy wasn’t bad in bed, just different… respectful. And what woman fantasizes about respectful? Buddy had satisfied her when she was younger and knew no better, but Ramon demanded things of her that Buddy would never, ever think of; dirty, degrading things that Rebecca found she craved once exposed to them. Ramon‘s deviancy led her onward from tea-bagging, to anal, to bondage, to threesomes, the surprises neverending. Sex with Ramon was nothing short of a super-hot adventureland after eighteen years of doggy-style and sixty-nining with Buddy.
It had been wrong. But while she knew it was wrong, she was also powerless to stop it.
Her tears brought another round of spasmic jerking, this one delivering new waves of discomfort to her wrists and ankles while at the same time increasing the cramping in her hips. If only she could close her legs she would be ok, so she fought to close them, to pull the ropes binding her ankles to the foot board loose, or even to break them, but nothing happened except that her cyclical tears started again, and the convulsions, and the worry. Where the fuck could Buddy have gone? Her next prayer was actually spoken aloud, “Please, please, please let him come back before the kids get home! Please, God!”
Her prayer said, she quit fighting and succumbed ever-so briefly to the situation. But submission brought no relief from the pain in her wrists, or the ache in her hips. If only she could close her god-damn legs! “Where the fuck are you, Buddy!” She screamed it this time, as loud as she could, hoping the neighbors might hear it, or anybody else for that matter, anyone who might free her before Callie walked in and saw her mother this way, spread-eagled atop the covers, sticky and stinking, dried cum on her breasts and stomach.
Where the fuck were they? Where could Buddy have taken Ramon that was taking so long? She’d heard the garage door open when they left, and then heard it close again, so they’d obviously gone in the car. Could Buddy have taken Ramon to the police station? For what though? For fucking his wife? Maybe he took him to a lawyer’s office? They could certainly have gotten plenty of DNA evidence of her infidelity off of him. Jesus, if Buddy did file for divorce he could wind up with the money, the house, the kids… everything! Wouldn’t that suck! She had never contemplated that scenario, but here it was, right in front her!
She might have, metaphorically of course, really screwed the pooch this time.
But Rebecca knew better than that. She knew Buddy Carpenter better than she knew anyone in this world, better even than she wanted to know Buddy Carpenter... and the Buddy she knew would never do all of that. He was not devious enough to imagine it. Even in the furious state Buddy was in as he led Ramon from their bedroom he would not have been thinking that way. Divorce done properly is a calculating and malicious undertaking the likes of which Buddy did not have in him. Divorce is a means of destroying one’s enemy without that enemy even realizing it is involved in a war. The subtleties of a successful divorce must be worked out over time, secretly and manipulatively, which makes using divorce as a resolution a woman’s way, does it not, a man being too plodding and direct for it’s success? No, a man catching his wife in this way would not be thinking about how to win the divorce as he drug her lover from his bedroom, would he? “So then,” Rebecca wondered. “What would a man be thinking as he did so? Or rather, what would her man be thinking?”
A memory surfaced then, a distant one from long ago, from way back before she and Buddy were even married. It was the memory of a promise made in the dark of night as she’d held up her new diamond ring, the better to see its sparkling promise in the soft light of a dim harvest moon. “Remember this.” He’d told her as she’d barely bothered listening, lost in the dreams of a suddenly extant wedding day, “leave me if you no longer love me. I’ll be ok with that. But if you ever, for the rest of your life from this point forward, fuck another man while we’re married, I swear to God I will kill you both. Not because you didn’t love me, but because you didn’t respect me enough to cheat on me.”
“Oooh,” she recalled thinking at the time. “Such a tough guy in his cardigan and loafers!”
It had been an empty threat, hadn’t it? Spoken to frighten a giddy girl only twenty years old into obeyance? It wasn’t something Buddy would actually do, that he could actually do, was it? In her time with Buddy he had never shown any sort of bent towards violence whatsoever, absolutely no inkling of it to the point that she had begun to find him almost sickeningly docile and weak, what with him bending to her nearly every wish and want... nearly. She tried to convince herself that it was “always” so, but that was a lie, wasn’t it? Buddy did put his foot down on some matters, and when he did so, that was it. He was at those times frustratingly inflexible, and it was doubly annoying that he was almost always proved right on those matters in the end, despite her hissy-fits to the contrary.
But murder? Buddy was far too kind and gentle to go that far.
Ramon now? Ramon looked like he could kill. His wildness was part of her attraction to him; what with his testosterone infused muscles, and his dangerous looking tattoos and piercings. Ramon seemed almost eager to kill, or at least he had appeared more likely to be a killer up until the moment when Buddy stomped the shit out of him right here in front of her very eyes. She’d found out quick enough that Buddy was not weaker than Ramon, as she had thought and expected him to be. Not even a little bit.
Shit-fuck! What was she thinking? No one was going to kill anyone, were they? But what would she do if Buddy did kill Ramon? Would she turn him in? Could she? How could she do that to Austin and Callie’s father when this whole thing was her fault to begin with? But on the other hand, how could she not? In fact, the thought zipped across her mind as quickly as a shoo-fly at a picnic, that turning him in might be an even better way than divorce to be rid of Buddy. She would get everything! But the thought soured as quickly as it came, as it would come at the cost of her kids hating her forever… unless she could think of a way?
The tears were just about to start again, the whole emotional cycle to begin again, when there came to her from the very wall’s themselves the distinct rumble of the garage door opening. He was back! Oh shit, he was back! But how to greet him? What to say? How to act? Her instinct was to fix herself up a little, to wipe away the mascara that surely stained her face and the dried cum that had her feeling sticky and stiff all over, but that option being unavailable to her, the only other one was to wait here spread-eagled, naked, and to attempt to exhibit a look of shame, even if she did not feel it.
The wait was a long one, too. She could hear him downstairs rifling through drawers and cabinets looking for God knew what. Rebecca thought to call out to him, to find out what he was doing down there, but she did not. She did not call out because suddenly, for the first time in their seventeen years together, Rebecca felt a cold apprehension toward a man who had ever and always been good to her; who was good to both her and their children, who was a good provider, and a good example of what a man should be. How was it then that she had stopped loving him? That she had become unhappy? That she was unfulfilled? How had it happened?
Unfulfilled? Shit! As though Ramon was fulfilling anything at all inside of her other than her vanity. And the unmanly way he had cowered naked before Buddy disgusted her, although even she had to admit that today she’d seen a strength in her husband that she’d never seen before, or at least that she’d never noticed, and would never have believed existed.
Those thoughts left her when came a squeak from the stairwell. He was coming up now, Buddy was. She could sense his weight on the steps, slowly and heavily, one by one, tromping as a young boy will tromp toward some disdainful task. She saw his shadow first, and then his form in the doorway, a countenance so sad upon him that she would not have believed it was him had she not known better, having rarely ever seen him visibly unhappy. Odd it was… to see that her husband actually had feelings. He’d never bothered showing them to her before, had he? Maybe if he had things could have been different, but he stopped there in the doorway not looking at her, the melancholy look on his face unchanging, though his eyes wore an icy expression.
Rebecca began in that same annoying, instigating voice she always assumed with Buddy. “Are you going to untie me before the kids get home? You don’t want them to see me like this, do you?” Even now she failed to notice the condescension in her own voice, probably because it was always there when she spoke to him. Over the years this had slowly become her “Buddy voice.”
He stepped into the room without answering. She noticed then that there was a piece of paper in one of his hands and a pistol in the other, that old revolver of his that he never pulled out since the kids were born. She’d nearly forgotten about that old thing. The idea that the gun was so old that it probably wouldn’t fire anymore gave her some confidence. He set the gun and the paper down on the dresser and walked over to the bedside. Anger had once again replaced Rebecca’s attempt at shame. That pitiful look he was wearing was the very embodiment of why she was cheating, wasn’t it? She softened a bit, however, when he began untying her right hand from the headboard. Thank God!
”Hurry up… please.” She might yet manage to get decent before the kids got home, if he fucking hurried. And she would need to hide Ramon’s things, seeing the pile of his clothes on the floor reminded her. “Where is Ramon? Where did you take him?”
”To the Mason County Bridge.”
”To the bridge? Why?”
”I told him he might survive the jump, but that I was surely going to kill him if he didn’t try it.”
When Buddy didn’t elaborate, she had to ask. “Did he jump?”
Buddy’s answer sounded bored. “Yep.”
Her mind raced. That bridge was pretty high, and the river pretty shallow beneath it. She wondered if the jump was survivable? “Did you see him?”
”He was floating.”
He picked up the paper. “Sign this.”
”Not until you untie me.”
”I’m not untying you.”
”Oh yes you fucking are!” She said it, but he was speaking in that unbending tone he sometimes used, the one that always pissed her off so, the one that told her he was done arguing.
He held the paper up to her so she swatted at it with her one free hand, knocking it away. “What does it fucking say?”
”It says that Jeremy and Lilly are going to assume custody of Austin and Callie. They already have control of their trust, as executors.”
”So you’re going to shoot me?”
”Yep.”
“Jesus, Buddy. You can’t let the kids find me like this.” She played along, not really believing he would do it.
”I called Lilly. She’s picking them up from school.”
”What’ll you do… after?”
”I haven’t decided. I might shoot myself after, I might not. Prison might not be so bad. I guess I can always kill myself in my cell if it is that bad”
”Buddy, you can’t do this. Think about the kids.”
”Me? You wanna put this on me? You think I should be worrying about the kids? Maybe you should have thought about the kids, Beck?”
”All I do is think about the kids.”
”Oh, so now you’re going to put this on them? The kids have caused you to miss your chance at a good time? Is that it? Because of them you can’t be tied up and jacked-off all over whenever you want to?”
”He has a kink.”
”Had.”
”What?”
”He had a kink.”
”Whatever.” She was busy trying to reach the ropes tying her left hand with her free right one. Letting her struggle he picked the paper and pen off the dresser.
“You gonna sign this?”
”No.”
Setting them back down, he picked the pistol up next. There was nothing left to do, or to say. Sensing a new resolve, she stopped struggling with the ropes and leaned back against the headboard. “Go ahead,” her anger flared. “You don’t have the balls. I dare you to do it.”
So he did.
Amazingly, her eyes open, Rebecca saw the blast at the barrel’s end, and she felt its hammer blow. She even heard it’s echoing report, though from someplace far, far away.
The Thin Line Between “Friend” and “Love”
Ever wonder why there's more chemistry between friends than between lovers? Or why you started to realize that your best friend is actually your type versus the person you started to date a week ago? You'd never tell them though because you're afraid it would jeopardize that friendship, but secretly your best friend might feel the same way. Only until one or the other confesses will they both be in pain while watching their best friend fall for someone they don't have as much chemistry with. Yet, they're both stuck in the "friend" zone.
preface
war is always within and against the self
I.
the first War is against imposed order
from the cradle
of civilization
to the grave
of the soul
II.
the second War is against perceived other
a processing
of elimination
to iron our
difference
III.
the third War is against the internal org
neutralizing
of operation
to pin a
dying flesh
IV.
the fourth War is against the imagination
12.12.2024
War I, II, III, IV challenge @dctezcan
Sinatra Cabernet
He sang to me in silence
Behind closed doors and blind
His words spoke smoke of glass
Broken numb against my mind
Fallen deaf unto the pass, I called
And beneath betrothed in kind
My throat lump cries too heavy now
And woeful are these times.
Sorrow now, as sorrow heaves
True sorrow grieves—
He sang to me in silence.
Behind closed doors and blind.
Threads of Quiet
I am stitched together by threads of quiet,
woven through moments no one sees.
The laughter shared in fleeting hours,
and the tears that fall to unseen seas.
These threads are delicate, fraying at times,
but they hold me steady, keep me whole.
In the silence, I find their strength,
binding pieces of my soul.
No need for mending by other hands,
these scars are mine to weave anew.
Each thread a testament of time,
a story only I construe.