Bubble of youthfulness

Some times I just can't breathe.

I mean, I actually go through the motions of taking in air. My chest expands like it should but there must be a leak somewhere because the air never gets where it needs to get.

And I find myself opening my mouth and gasping and just begging that rich burst of oxygen to go where I desperately need it to go.

And it hurts so bad. All these unidentifiable things in my head translating into physical pain. It's not a medical condition. It's all in my head, the loneliness, the gaping hole in my chest but it feels so real.

It makes me feel crazy, like I want to zip down my skin and step out of my body and find myself in a different place.

And some times I reach for my phone and actually make the effort of reaching out to someone, seeking help. But then I send my friend a text and he doesn't reply. Then I stare at my phone for so long. Maybe he went to the bathroom. And now he is out. And now he will surely text me back. But he doesn't. And then I check my WhatsApp. Not a single message.

And I feel my chest expand again but no air gets to my lungs. Because there is this void I always hope to fill with meaningless texts, talking over my pain and making jokes that make me look stupid, convincing myself that I'm okay in that by bubble of youthfulness. And it hurts any time I don't even get to do that.

Then I'm back where I started.