FAO: Mum

Dearest Mother,

It is with a heavy heart that I must dismiss you from your current position. I just feel that we are no longer compatible, and our irreconcilable differences have proven to provide an unhealthy environment amongst the other members of this family.

Your continued hostility towards me and my siblings is simply not conducive to a chill household. I do not feel it is unreasonable to for us to play football in the living room, but that your reaction to a broken lamp, unforgivably was.

You should also note that we have made every attempt to avoid this regrettable conclusion. You were issued with many warnings by myself, and your other charges. As recent as last Thursday you were issued with a complaint due to inadequate performance in the kitchen. Matthew cited your fries as being 'somehow undercooked and burnt, all at the same time.' While this may be considered a 'special skill,' it is not one that is appreciated within this home.

Please note, your residency within the property is not being terminated, only your position as a Mum. This means that there are to be no more embarrassing performances at the school gates; no more 'snuggles', no chores and as a further consequence, you relinquish all punishment rights to your deputy in command, Dad.

Your termination is to be effective immediately and therefore, my current grounding will now be void.

Yours Sincerely,

Kyle - your former son.