Not Mine To Write

When I have strong feelings for a guy

I tend to write him into my stories.

Maybe not as a whole specific character

But I'll use his characteristics

Because they're so appealing to me

You know?

I'll write his soulful sea-green eyes,

That sidelong glance he gives me

After he's told an awful pun;

The way his shoulder blades

Protrude slightly from the back of his t-shirt,

And how his face gets so red in the cold.

I'll write the calm deepness of his voice

And the lightness of his laughter,

The way he looks when he's

Lost in thought,

The blush that creeps onto his cheeks and ears

When I give him a compliment;

The shape of his arms when he's lifting something.

I'll write how he mirthfully narrows his eyes

In false dislike

When we run into each other without planning to,

And how his lips then immediately spread into a smile 

He can't control

As his eyes sparkle with mischief and a hint of something

I don't understand

And want to understand.

I'll write how he tries to be a Cool Guy,

Suavely nodding to anyone around him,

And how he turns into an absolute dork

When I'm around.

How his smooth words

Turn into awkward but endearing comments;

And how he's so hardcore when he raps,

But gets just a little bit nervous around me,

And how he wrote a song about me 

But won't admit it because he's embarrassed

Even though it's obviously about me.

And I fall in love all over again with the character I wrote.

And sometimes my writing makes it hard to distinguish

The difference

Between it and the actual person.

I have to remind myself:

You are not my character.

You are not my character.

My character is based on you,

And just because my character would do or say this and that

It doesn't mean you would.

Just because my character has this flaw,

Doesn't mean you have the same one.

Just because my character becomes a hero when he least expects it,

Doesn't mean you will.

Just because my character falls in love with the girl who loves him,

Doesn't mean you did.

Just because my character doesn't leave her at the end,

Alone and wishing

She'd never told him how she felt,

And never let herself be so vulnerable

And feel so intensely 

For someone who would just

Let her down,

Doesn't mean you didn't.

Because you did.

I can control my character,

To some extent.

But you are not my character.