Who am I

I want to get better I really do... but if I do than who am I? Who am I if I'm not this sad broken girl? Who am I if I'm not pretending everything is okay? The thought of being happy genuinely happy scares the hell out of me because every time things get good I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to happen to make me spiral again. And without fail I always end up fucking everything up.