What’s the point?
Im so tired everyday I wake up and these feelings wash over me like waves slowly chipping away at me. I feel so alone and hopeless like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders with no one to help me carry it. I cut my skin to feel something other than the empty nothingness that is slowly becoming my new normal. Everything feels so pointless 21 years I’ve felt like this and it’s starting to feel more and more like it’s just not worth. But I can’t bring myself to do it. To swallow those pills or bleed myself dry or tie that rope or hit that tree. I want so badly for it all to just end to feel that sweet release of death. These thoughts keep me up all night. Just wondering why am I still here…. I’m plagued by these thoughts and I want nothing more than to get better. But I don’t know how to do that and if I do get better am I still me? What will change will I wake up in the mornings and not be sad I did will I feel like I am worth something will this pain ever go away or do I just feel this until it becomes too much to bear.
I’m so tired… I don’t wanna be this person anymore. I’m exhausted in every way possible I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I’m sad or I’m numb I really can’t tell anymore. Life feels so pointless and just hopeless. I feel like a failure and all I wanna do is give up. But for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like a failure like I’m letting everyone down and everyday is just more of the same shit. More depression, more intrusive thoughts, more of me not wanting to be here. I’m surprised I made it this far I never thought I’d make it to 18 much less 21 but here we are and I’m still the same sad, lonely, depressed girl I’ve been since I was 12. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…. I don’t know why I’m here.
“What hurts?” She asked cradling the younger woman’s face.
“Everything hurts...” she whispered “my soul is shattered, my mind is in shambles, my spirit is nonexistent. Waking up everyday feeling hopeless, useless, stupid, and worthless hurts... but what hurts the most is feeling like I’d be better off dead.” She said tears now burning down her face.
“I didn’t know you felt like that.” The older woman said holding onto the girl.
“And I never wanted you to.” The girl said burying her face in the older woman’s shirt.
I want you
I️ don’t want just anyone I️ want you. I️ want the way you make me feel, the way we talk. I️ want those glances that say a million things and that smile that makes me feel warm inside. I️ don’t want some meaningless relationship... I️ want you. My sun, my stars, and my moon.
Why I write
I started writing when I was nine after my grandma died. It was like an escape for me. It was a way to put everything I was feeling out there without having to tell them. It helped me process my feelings and come to terms with them. It helped me deal with some other things that happened to me and share them with people without having to tell them it happened to me. It is how I communicate the feelings I don't feel I can talk about.
Be careful. Because...
Be careful. Because love isn't always some epic story most of the time love is thing that breaks you. It's the thing you want so damn badly but you can't quite reach.
She was born happy and smiling 18 years later she wishes she was never born
The way it feels loving you
What did your parents tell you about love? Did they tell you that love makes you strong? That it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy? Or that love will make you smile? Whatever they told you I'm sure they didn't tell how much pain love can cause. They didn't tell you that you can love somebody so much it feels like you can't breath when they aren't around. They didn't tell you that love can take a strong person and make them weak. Or that love can slice your heart into a million pieces. They didn't tell you that love isn't always mutual or how it feels when you love someone who loves someone else. That sometimes love can feel like someone reached into your chest and slowly pulled your heart out.
The broken ones
Have you ever noticed that the kids who broke before they had a chance to be whole are the nicest ones. The ones who endured so much pain and so much shit. The ones who hated themselves and wished everyday that they were someone else. The ones who split their own skin to feel something. The ones everyone wrote off as bad news. The druggies, whores, drinkers, pill poppers.The ones who try so hard to put up walls and keep people out. When you get past those walls they love like it's what they were made to do. It's because they don't want anyone to feel the way that they did. They don't want anyone else to feel that kind of pain so they take it on themselves.