I'm not the girl you marry. I'm the girl who will show you what unconditional love is. The girl who will always have your back no matter what. I'm the girl who will take your baggage and put it on my back so you don't have to carry it alone. I'm the girl who will love you like you are the most amazing person in the world. The girl who will heal your past and show you just how truly amazing you are. But I'm not the girl you marry. I'm the girl with too much baggage and damage. I'm the girl who has to work really hard to find anything good about herself. The girl who wakes up most days wishing she hadn't. The girl that you'll try really hard to love until you figure out I'm just not worth it. I don't blame you because if I had the choice between me and someone else I sure as hell wouldn't choose me.
I’m not okay
I'm not okay. I know I told you I was I said I was fine and I really wanted to mean it. But it's not true I'm not okay and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I want to be I'm trying so hard to be okay to be fine... but I'm not and I don't know how to fix it. All I want is to be okay even if it's just for a second. I just need a little peace a little break from this hell hole that is my head. I'm slipping and I don't know how to stop it. I don't feel bad anymore about lying about my sobriety because if they cared they'd notice right... I don't feel bad when I say I'm busy when I'm just laying in bed or when I let your call ring out and then shoot you a "sorry can't hang today" text. But I can't tell you any of this because it is not your burden to bear and I do not want to become a burden that you must bear. So I will bear it until I can't anymore. Until there is nothing left of me and I finally give in I will carry this so no one else has to.
Parts of me
I try so hard to hide parts of me from everyone. The part that cries every night when it is time to sleep. The part that longs for the numbness, the peace, the temporary escape the drugs used to bring. The part that wishes so badly to just be done. I am tired beyond belief my mind drags along with my body and my soul that are depleted. Every day I wake up and hide these parts of myself because I fear they will not understand and if they do they will not care or they will use these things against me. This is why I lock the most vulnerable pieces of me away from prying eyes. Away from people who will say that I am weak, worthless, or that I had everything going for me and I threw it away. My entire life I have pushed through hoping that when I make it out of the storm things will be better... but the storm hasn't gone away it has just gotten bigger the winds stronger the rain harder. It knocks me off of my feet every day but I always get back up even when I would rather stay on the ground and give up. But these parts of me that I hide are so heavy and I am not sure how much longer I can carry them on my own. I wish for just one person... one person I can trust with these parts of myself. One person to help me carry them. One person to see me for the whole of who I am and still want me, still believe in me... still, love me.
I opened the door and there you were. As soon as I saw you the biggest smile spread across my face as I ran to you. I wrapped my arms around you as my feet lifted off the floor. I buried my face in the crook of your neck as a tear rolled down my cheek and I inhaled that familiar comforting scent.
I opened my eyes blinking back tears as I stared at the door hoping you would walk through it but deep down I knew you wouldn't.
Brown and green
“Why won’t you look me in the eyes?” the woman asked.
The young woman stared intently at the ground as she whispered “I can’t... I just can’t.” She blinked trying to control the tears that were burning the back of her eyes. The woman reached out laying a gentle steady hand over her quaking hand.
“Why can’t you look at me?” She felt the womans warm breath hit her shoulder sending a shiver down her spine.
“Every time I look in your eyes I get lost... My brain stops working and I can’t think of anything but the little branches of green that mix so perfectly with brown. It hurts... How much I love you hurts because I know that you don't feel the same way.”
I couldn't heal because I kept pretending is I wasn't hurt.
That's what I was used to. Pretend it didn't happen and it will go away right? Wrong you may be able to ignore it for a while but it will always sneak up on you at the worst time and when you least expect it. It will sneak up while you are laying in the dark. In the silence at night when your mind begins to wander. When all of those questions you have been avoiding all day pile up like a log jam in your head. Blocking you from what you want... what you need, sleep... peace. Just a break even if it's temporary even if it only lasts the night. I just need a little break just a little time to breathe. A little time to just not be this person for a little bit. I want happiness I want love and connection. I just want one thing to make all of this shit worth it. I mean I can take it I know I can I've taken it my whole life. But for once I just want to enjoy life I don't want to hate it. I still have things I want to do but they seem so far out of my reach. It feels like I'm in a pool treading water trying to keep my head up but there are cinder blocks tied to my ankles and the harder I fight the more tired I get and the farther down it pulls me.
You were supposed to protect me
You took everything from me. I was a child and you took everything. You took my confidence my voice my happiness my childhood my safety. You just took it like it was meant for you. You made me feel disgusting and worthless. Like I wasn't good enough like I was damaged like no one would or could ever love me and I still feel that way. I was a child and you took everything from me when you were supposed to protect me. You should have been one of my biggest champions but you broke me and now here I am twelve years later the same broken little girl. I can't trust people to stay or to love me. I can't even believe people when they say they love me. Because how could anybody love me... I'm disgusting and you made me feel that way. You made me this person and now it's my job to figure out how to pick up the pieces.
I'm so tired. I wake up every day wishing I didn't but I get up anyway and take on the day even though it feels hopeless. I plaster a smile to my face and just go through the motions just hoping and praying that someone will see through my facade. That someone will notice that I am drowning. I am barely keeping my head above the water and with every wave every ripple the water comes up over my head and I stay under a little bit longer each time. It's like I'm in a competition to see who can hold their breath the longest. But I don't want to hold my breath anymore. I want to breathe without the weight without the panic that I might not resurface this time.
Just one person
I'm so tired of feeling alone. I know I'm not I have so many friends who I know care about me and would do anything for me. So why do I still feel so alone? It feels like it's just me against the world which is nothing new it's always been that way for as long as I can remember. But for the first time, I don't want to be alone. I want one person just one person who will sit there with me in my darkest moments and tell me that it's okay. That it's okay to not be okay and that eventually, I will be. I want someone who will stick by my side, show me that they love me, and make me listen, make me understand. Someone who will tell me that there is nothing wrong with me I'm just going through a rough patch right now and that that's okay. Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved like that. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone... I don't know. All I know is I'm tired of feeling like this.
I loved you
I loved you. I loved you so much it fucking hurt and I thought you felt the same way. But you didn't and now I'm sitting here wondering why I ever believed you did when you showed me so many times exactly what I meant to you.