I’m a broken mess that doesn’t know anything but being broken

I have struggled with depression but I didn’t understand what it was. I wasn’t educated in it and I neglected to look into it. I was only 14 when the doctor diagnosed me. My parents didn’t do anything about it so I didn’t think it was anything major. I wish they did because I spiralled all the time. I thought I was too emotional because I cried a lot because feelings overwhelmed me, if anything bad happened it would take me way longer to get out of the funk and greave it. It just was too long. It took a few years sometimes to move on but my happy moments were less and less. That pure joy on the inside was fading faster and faster. Though my parents were hella toxic. That’s a topic all on it’s own. But I’m still healing from that. So after the last big family breakdown I broke down. I left I couldn’t handle it anymore. You’d think leaving would help but it didn’t. I didn’t have any tools in my toolbox to help me regulate and actually deal with what had happened. I was taught to stuff it all away and ignore it. So that’s what I did. I learnt to mask from a very early age so when people watched me bleeding out they didn’t know it because I told them I wasn’t bleeding out. I buried it down deep. I started feeling good but the smallest things broke me again and instead of being able to bounce right back I fell and I kept falling deep into this pit of darkness. I kept stuffing and stuffing. Then I was feeling okay again. Though this was a start of feeling bad all the time and having maybe a few good things here and there. I thought this was how life was meant to be and I was questioning who wants to stay in this life feeling like this? Who would want to bring kids into this dark world. Have their pure joy and happiness crushed and turned to dust. Their light dimming to nothing. Why? What for? I then found love, my first relationship at the age of 23 almost 24 she light my light up but I was fooled because I was stupid and ignored her toxicity. But I let that go for just over two years. She ended things on my 26th birthday. That’s where my big fall into the pit of nothingness. I started self sabotaging everything, I was hating on myself and doing very disgusting things to punish myself. I was shutting off big time. I left a really good place and went back home to my mum. I couldn’t stay where I was because I didn’t want to hurt the people how cared for me. But I did it anyways. I shut them out. I got distant. I repeated the same things again. I am trying to fix it now because I miss them and I love them all so much. My family I built and chose. It’s been one blow after another. I started started getting better though I found a job where I was thriving in. But I worked myself into a giant burn out and with a crappy boss I set high bars and when I started burning out i wasn’t doing so good at work. But she wouldn’t let me have a break. I left. But that was the right thing because I started doing something I loved even more. I was taking care of my Grammy. Though that included other toxic family members that she lived with as well. One being my abuser when I was younger. It was hard after a while but I was with someone I cared about and who needed me to be okay and take care of her. I pushed through. But I hit a dark patch again. I seemed help from my doctor. I was working really hard with him and he was working really hard with me. Then after all that hard work I was diagnosed with bipolar and a shit ton more. I was happy because now I can get the right help and treatment. But I was also sad and overwhelmed. Why couldn’t the adults in my life care enough to help with my struggles to get these diagnosis’s when I was younger. Not the bipolar but the asd and adhd. But instead I got shamed in public for my bad grades, called lazy and disrespectful. Punished for my sensory issues because I’m just a spoilt brat. I have started a lot of therapy about trauma, and my diagnosis’s but I also started medications. One at a time and slowly finding the right dosages and right medications. I was lucky because the first one I had worked with me. Though a lot of bad things have happened when I started taking my meds. So I’m worried my meds are whacked and not working properly because their the wrong meds. But I don’t know because these last four months have been killer. My therapist has been busy and I have had to cancel a few appointments myself. But it’s all getting worse. I have had three very important people removed from me because of things out of my control. I keep getting told that I’m not the problem and I haven’t done anything wrong. But my Grammy is now in a home my cousin who I foster has been removed from my care and my three year old who biologically isn’t mine has been removed from my care as well. I haven’t been allowed to see her for over a month and it’s killing me. I haven’t seen her in over a month my cousin for two weeks and my Grammy has been in a home for a few months now. I don’t get to see her when I want I don’t get to help her, cook for her, I can’t bring her home. Im not enough. I can’t change anything. I can’t fix anything because no one will tel me why they are taking them. My Grammy I understand because I truly am not enough to take care of her. Im one person she needs more than one. No one else in my family can do it because they are selfish and just lazy. The only one person here that could help me and would help me is my Aunty but she works a full time job and she has a back injury. It’s all too much. It’s like my meds are being taken over and not working but I’m scared that if I stop it’ll be worse. But I know it’ll be worse. I truly do. Because I know the meds are working. They have been working. Im just in a dark patch. But I’m really hiding it all. I am speaking to my doctor soon. I wish it was a quick fix. I have 28 years of trauma to fix and heal myself from. Im only at the beginning and it’s dark as fuck right now and I’m all alone. But I know I can do this. I just wish i wasn’t alone I’m sick of being alone. Though I have pushed away people because I am so used to being alone. I Always had to do things on my own. Surrounded by family but all alone. I had to do it alone. Then some people are there and I don’t know what to do with it because they will leave to. I’ll have to get hurt and learn to do it alone all over again. I’m just a broken mess and hope one day even when I struggle I won’t push someone away or fade away. I have hurt a few good friends because of this. Nothing will change that. Nothing at all. I want to reach out but I’m scared I’ll hurt them again or they might hurt me because I unintentionally hurt them by trying to protect myself. Because I’m selfish. Idk what the purpose is of writing this but it has helped a little and taken a little weight off my shoulders. Because the thought of running away and disappearing from everyone and starting new isn’t so strong. Even though I feel like I have nothing I know I have somethings. Besides if I leave that’s selfish because people rely on me, need me. Though sometimes I feel like I’m only around because I can do these things and be there for them. It’s not true that’s just an intrusive thought. I’m more than that to them. I know that it just hard. This journey is going to be hard and it’s going to hurt before it gets better. I’m going to break a lot. I’m going to have setbacks as well as progress. I just need to make sure I can get through that. I’m not expecting any interaction I’m not looking for attention I wrote this but writing it in my notes is like I’m trying to silence myself. At least here I can trick my mind into thinking I have said it out loud because others can see it.