Love Hate Relationship

I'm embarrassed

that it took me this long to realize.

All that time I looked for love from others

Because loving myself

was just too hard

Even if I felt it

- for a fleeting moment -

I couldn't be trusted

Only someone else

could tell me I was worthy

And if they left

it confirmed what I knew all along

I was

Too Much,

Not Enough,

Disgusting,

All Wrong.

I was a manipulator, a whore,

who tricked them all

into loving me.

Only now can I see clearly

That I'd been looking

for approval

almost since the beginning

For reasons,

some chemical, some not

Some examined, some left better

~ in the shadows ~

If they lied so powerfully

I could hate myself

I argue they're better

there in the dark,

where they were made.

The thing about

looking for love on the outside

Is that you lose the ability

to make it for yourself

Like when you take

too many antibiotics

And your body forgets

how to make the good bacteria

that kept you balanced and clean,

and now you're just itchy and weak.

Fortunately for me,

Even though I sustained

many cracks along the way

I managed not to fully break.

And the thing about cracks is

they may hurt

or make a thing look less perfect,

but they also let in the light

And eventually it shone bright enough

For me to see the Truth of myself

I was at the end of the line to be loved by me,

but I saved the best for last.