A Day at the Office; and other “Spaceman” Tales

*** Trigger Warning ***

(The author has “liberally” sprinkled this “conservatively” worded narrative with something like humor, which could upset those who cannot bear having themselves poked fun at. If you are one such, turn back now! If you choose not to turn back, as I expect most to do, then save your nasty comments when finished reading :)

10 light years from Earth and closing aboard the gargantuan, although dilapidated,

Starship BBB:

Our commander slumps in his rocker, a long, disgusting strand of saliva clinging from his lip. He swipes at it with mittened fingers. The question he asks comes out as barely a whisper, so that the captain must lean in to hear it. “Captain Joe, we must have a new home. Our Build Back Bullship can carry us no further. What will be our plan of attack?”

“The Earthlings are a primal, emotionally led species, sir. This planet will be easy to conquer. We will wipe them clean, just as we removed the Uranussians from this same solar system forty million years ago. Captain Kamala and I will go in alone. We will, while acting like bumbling idiot Earthlings, infiltrate the government of the strongest grouping of the highest evolved subset; Americans, they are called. What will take quite a few of their Earth years will be only a minute or so of our time. Once we have established ourselves on the inside we will riddle their institutions with the most ridiculous theories imaginable until the Earthlings shun common sense altogether, and those institutions crumble from within. Once the Americans are weakened, we will, in the guise of peacekeeping, start energy wars across and between the other subsets until they have all destroyed one another. The few idiots who are left in the end will so revere us that it will be simple to convince them to drink our fentanyl laced Gator-aid before we proceed with their life draining colonoscopies.”

“Sounds like a great plan, Captain Joe. When will you begin?”

“Of course it is a great plan. You devised it yourself a millenia or so ago, don’t you remember, Colonel Sanders? We will attack tomorrow. I will go in from the east, Captain Kamala from the west. Once we have attained positions of authority we will use their own emotions against them, as emotions are this species’ weak spot. Our good Dr. Fauscist has created a diabolical disease that we will use to inspire fear and panic worldwide. This fear will make the Earthlings so emotionally unstable that they will be unable to think clearly. We will then play on their innate kindnesses and hatreds to convince them that it is their duty to weaken and destroy the very systems that make them strong; law enforcement, education, media, science, and military. Once Captain Kamala and I have attained the highest positions of power in the Earthling’s strongest country we will make ourselves appear so inept as leaders that those leading the opposing subsets will feel emboldened. Wars will break out amongst them in all corners of the globe. A few of the more intelligent of the species may realize what is happening, but their voices will be cancelled by the fake media outlets we will have created, so that their dissenting brains can be removed for study, and food. Basically, we will allow them to destroy themselves, while suffering zero casualties ourselves, as we achieve ultimate and unhindered success.”

”Beautiful, Captain! The plan sounds fool-proof. Godspeed to you both!”

“Aye, aye! Commander. I must go pack my lunch now, as I will be picnic-ing this afternoon in the lovely Delmarva Valley. I look forward to greeting you on a victorious morrow, Sir!”

And that is how I would conquer the world if I were an alien commander!

Reminder! This is a fictional comedy, with fictional characters. Any names or likenesses of actual people or events is a complete and utter coincidence. Surely you don't think the author to be that shallow!